Membership Rules?

Around 1943 or 1944, the Central Office asked the groups to list
their membership rules and send them in. After they arrived we set
them all down. A littlereflection upon these many rules brought us to an astonishing conclusion.

If all of these edicts had been in force everywhere at once it would
have been practically impossible for any alcoholic to have ever
joined A.A. About nine-tenth of our oldest and best members could
never have got by!


At last experience taught us that to make away any alcoholic’s full
chance for sobriety in A.A. was sometimes to pronounce his death
sentence, and often to condemn him to endless misery. Who dared to be judge, jury, and executioner of his own sick brother?

1. GRAPEVINE, AUGUST 1946
2. TWELVE AND TWELVE, P. 141

Read more (pg. 41)

P.S.  Definition of “edict” – a decree issued by a sovereign or other authority. Any authoritative proclamation or command.

Meeting Guidelines

We can benefit from the unwritten guidelines that have contributed so profoundly to the success of other Twelve Step program meetings and have proven as valuable in our own.

  1. Leaders of meetings are servants of that meeting. They don’t “carry” the meeting; they merely facilitate it. A common mistake of those who have no prior Twelve Step meeting experience is to feel they must comment on everything that is said or “help out” in some way by giving “the answer.” The effective leader surrenders this impulse and lets the meeting work itself.
  2. The leader of the meeting does not have to acknowledge a raised hand; he or she can call on someone else. They can interrupt the one talking, if it is called for. This is in line with our common tradition. At the same time, a good meeting is one where the leader’s presence is inconspicuous and non-controlling.
  3. Most groups stick with a certain basic set of readings that are read at every meeting, adding to this to suit the particular meeting. A list of suggested readings from which to draw is included in the Suggested Meeting Format. We use authorized SA and AA literature only, both for use during meetings and for distribution on the literature table.
  4. Participation guidelines:
  • There is no cross talk. We don’t interrupt others. However, the leader has the right to remind the person sharing of guidelines, time consumed, etc.
  • We don’t give advice. We talk in the “I,” not the “we” or the “you,” speaking from our own experience. If we want to respond to what someone has said, we do so only in terms of our own experience. “I can only speak for myself, but whenever I did such and such, this is what happened in my life …”
  • We don’t get carried away analyzing what caused our behavior or attitudes. If we were victimized in early life, we slowly learn to face and work through it in acknowledgment, acceptance, and forgiveness. We talk as those who are now responsible for our attitudes and actions and are willing to take responsibility for our lives and recovery.
  • In sharing, rather than displaying our knowledge or insights, we lead with our weakness and give of ourselves.
  • We avoid politics, religious dogma, and other divisive issues. We also avoid explicit sexual descriptions and sexually abusive language.
  • We avoid dumping, self-pity, and blaming others.
  • We don’t take the “inventories” of others; that is, we uncover and work on our own defects, not those of others. We refer to our own experiences.
  • We do speak honestly of where we really are today. We try to develop transparent honesty of complete self-disclosure, letting the other members know where we are currently, regardless of length of sobriety.
  • We do lead with our weakness and take the risk of total self-disclosure.
  • By attending on time and sharing regularly, we give of ourselves to others in the group. We get back recovery.

(See the material under the heading “I Am a Sexaholic” under Step One, in this book, and read the article “Meeting Quality and Use of Non-SA Literature,” in Discovering the Principles. SA WB pg. 188-89)

Altruism

According to Merriam Webster, this is defined to be a belief in or practice of disinterested and selfless concern for the well-being of others; unselfish regard for or devotion to the welfare of others; opposed to egoism; willingness to do things that bring advantages to others, even if it results in disadvantage for yourself.  Here are some examples:

“Some may choose to work with vulnerable elderly people out of altruism”.

“An altruistic firefighter risks his life to save another’s life”.

Ever since I became an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous, drank the Kool-Aid and starting doing Service Work, I have learned by experience that the more you give, the more you receive!  That is a fact.

In fact, I also firmly believe I could NEVER fully refund what AA and SA has given me.  In other words, if I got what I truly deserved, I would be dead.  I was a terrible, awful man who caused a lot of havoc in other people’s lives for over 10 years.

Since I have come into recovery, I sincerely hope that I am much more happy_destinyapart of the solution than part of the problem today.  Some days are obviously better than others and I am not ALWAYS sick (DIS-EASE) for more than 24 hours, 1 full week or 1 full month.  I have a conscience that tells me, “this does not feel right. this is wrong. stop. behave.”

“We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.” Read more

 


Quick to Listen

We all want to be right, especially in the heat of an argument. But instead of settling for being right, what if we tried to make things right?  Click here

 

Here’s to the Crazy Ones

Do you know who is in this video?  I’m sure most people recognize Steve Jobs and Albert Einstein.  Click here

plato_quote


votingCounting Votes; Voting Results

Majority:

Does Robert mean … the Majority of the entire membership? … the Majority of the members present? … the Majority of the Votes Cast? How should you count the blank votes, the illegal votes, the abstentions

Read more:

http://sa.org/docs/servman2014.pdf

http://www.roberts-rules.com/parl17.htm

http://www.rulesonline.com/rror-08.htm

http://ctb.ku.edu/en/table-of-contents/leadership/group-facilitation/main

http://www.omafra.gov.on.ca/english/rural/facts/05-035.htm#approaches

https://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Meeting_Basics/The_Meeting

Hootchy-Kootchy

My present job as an Uber driver puts me face-to-face with temptation on a daily basis. Unfortunately, there are a lot of parties and festivals this weekend in Baltimore (e.g. http://baltimorecomiccon.com, Power Plant Live, Pier V pavillion and Druid Hill park).

Below are a few terms and definitions according to Webster dictionary that were surfaced from some of the wild “taxi rides”.

Slut—promiscuous woman; prostitute; a saucy girl; minx; slutty clothes; bimbo; hoochie; Jezebel; floozy, tramp, wench, whore

Minx—a sexually attractive and playful woman who often causes trouble; a pert girl; a wanton woman; a clever little minx; a blond actress who was usually typecast as the minx in melodramas

Hoochie—a sexually promiscuous young woman; took up with some hoochie he had met at a biker bar; hootchy-kootchy exotic dance

Jezebel—the Phoenician wife of Ahab who according to the account in I and II Kings pressed the cult of Baal on the Israelite kingdom but was finally killed in accordance with Elijah’s prophecy; shameless, or morally unrestrained woman; as far as the family matriarch was concerned, her son’s fiancée was a gold digger and a Jezebel


Grope—feel or fondle (someone) for sexual pleasure, especially against their will. “he was accused of groping office girls”; fondle, touch

Roy K. – Founder of SA

Roy Ronald Kuljian (aka Roy K., Friends of Roy) is the founder of Sexaholics Anonymous.  He was born on March 1, 1927 and passed away on Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at age 82.  Roy was a resident of Simi Valley, Ventura County, California. Spouse: Iris Bray Salway (aka Friends of Iris).

Roy was often criticized for his strong Christian morals and righteous personality.  He wrote many articles including Sobriety Interpretation and about Spouse and Marriage.  I had the pleasure to meet him twice before he passed away at the International Convention Jan 10, 2003 in Newark, NJ and again in Jul 6, 2007 in Adelphi, MD.  What I remember most about Roy was how mysterious his attendance at the convention was.  In other words, rather then soak in the glory of so many followers, he quickly snuck out the back door and went down to the local church to give a very religious sermon.  Read more

Roy’s battle with cancer is sad, but his LEGACY lives on. Members of Sexaholics Anonymous will forever be grateful. History is very powerful and those who had the opportunity to meet him are the messengers for the future. Perhaps a biography will be written which will allow us all to get to know him better.

Tragedy 11/24/12: “a dog was running along the beach and was playing in the surf.  Next thing you know, the dog got stuck in a strong riptide and began getting pulled out to sea.  So his owner, Roy’s 17 year old grandson ran in after him.  Then he got stuck in the undertow so his father watching this from the beach ran in after him.  Then the father got stuck and the mother ran in after all of them.  Later, the dog managed to make his way back to shore but the rest of the family died.  Roy lost his son, his daughter in law and their child that day. Roy’s wife survived, witnessing the entire episode from the beach”.


The Kuljian Family – Obituary

The Freshwater community tragically lost three members of the Kuljian family Sat, Nov 24, 2012. Howard, his wife, Mary, and their son, Geddie, perished in the surf of Big Lagoon where they often took family walks with their surviving daughter/sister, Olivia. Mary Elena Scott was born in Peoria, Illinois on April 8, 1955. She was the daughter of James Scott (deceased) and Ruth Krenn Scott (deceased). She had two brothers, Michael Scott (deceased) and David Scott as well as one sister, Theresa Jenkins. Mary is survived by their spouses, and numerous aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, and nephews.  (Eureka Times, 2012 – Read more)

Listen & Silent

Did you know that both words have the same letters?

There is a famous saying, “take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth.  Listen to learn, and learn to listen”.

If you are new to Sexaholics Anonymous, it is suggested that you listen to others in the beginning before you start sharing.  This way you can learn about the various suggested guidelines and personality of the 12 Step meeting.

Generally, every 12 Step program is different and you will find that just about every group / meeting is slightly different.  This is true for obvious reasons.  SLAA & SAA will describe different forms of sexual sobriety than SA.  Whereas, AA and NA will often be too embarrassed to talk about about the ‘elephant in the room’.

When I started SA, around 1995 (give or take a year, it’s a little foggy, being it was so long ago) I remember folks suggesting going to Alanon as a supplement to the “S” fellowship because there were more meetings to choose from.  The nice thing about Alanon is that they accept just about everyone and are not as strict about specific addictions and have some of the best phone meetings.  In fact, most Alcoholics say they first stopped drinking and then started going to Alanon to learn more about relationships.

Interestingly enough, a friend of mine gave me a copy of the AA Grapevine over 10 years ago and guess what was on the cover?  “Now about Sex”.  The stories that followed were all about relationships.


cross_talkUnfortunately, when you join a SA Phone Meeting, there is a good chance that you may witness some strange behavior.  The attendance ranges from 5-50 callers with an average around 20 people.

The other day, during the 0830 business meeting I shared the following observations:

  1. The Daily Sobriety Renewal (DSR) phone calls are problematic simply by the mere nature of the meeting format.
  2. When Roy K. (founder of SA) first introduced the DSR questions, I suspect he meant it to be something that a small number of guys (4-5 people) in his accountability circle would discuss on a daily basis.  Or perhaps a one-on-one discussion with your sponsor, as I did with Bill W. Read more.
  3. I found out later, hindsight is 20/20, that the real purpose of the renewal call was for me.  Not for anyone else.  My sponsor was simply trying to get me to admit and accept that I was a sex addict and the only way I could stay sober for any length of time was focus on the next 24 hours.
  4. When we started the 12:00 p.m. Noon SA teleconference, we had an caller get into a car accident and it was very disruptive to everyone at the meeting.  This was before we had the ability to mute the entire line.  However, for 45 minutes everyone sat there trying to tell the guilty caller to “mute your line”.  Eventually, he got back on the line after we listened to sirens and people yelling, exactly what had happened.  As you can imagine, everyone on the call, immediately changed their perspective and felt empathetic.  “Oh, are you alright? are you hurt?”  The lesson here is, pray for patience & tolerance.  But be careful, you might just get what you ask for.
  5. I have also noticed that moderators some times behave worse than the caller who is “un-muted”.  It is really a testimony of recovery for the person sharing and the secretary how they handle the aggravating noise and annoying sounds.  It’s as though people take it too personal, when much of the time it is completely innocent.
  6. The best solution ALL of the SA Phone meetings should do is enable the mute feature by default so that when callers first join, they are automatically muted.
  7. We can learn a lot by other 12 Step programs such as Alanon, OA and Greysheets who have mastered the phone bridge and navigating difficult situations.
  8. When I started coming to the SA phone meetings shortly after they started in 2004 there was a lot of KAOS to say the least.  Not only was there background noise, most of the callers were NOT sober and talked about very toxic, graphical images.  It was not a sober environment.  The same challenges with control, power and people talking over one another (shouting to be precise) still exist today, but it has gotten exponentially better.
  9. Shortly after this website was formed, the phone lines changed over and over.  I believe this website has always played a integral role in sparking the changes with the phone meetings.  Read more  The PBX system that originally hosted the meetings would frequently freeze up and shut down due to capacity limits and thus in order to resolve someone needed to manually restart the server.
  10. In 2009, the phone line was down for 7 straight days and there was NO Sexaholics Anonymous phone meeting (PERIOD).  Imagine how you would react if you were accustomed to attending a SA meeting daily and then all of a sudden there was no way to get through.  That’s why this website began!
  11. Today we use a 3rd party service by free conference and rarely is there a problem with the line being unavailable. Read more
  12. Lastly, if you do the math, when there are 20 callers on the line, that means if there are 3 questions or requests by moderator to say something, you have to mute yourself afterwards.  Thus, 3 times each caller needs to mute themselves also means 3 more times they need to un-mute themselves.  Multiply that by the number of callers and you get well over 100 times that you are rely on others to do the right thing.  It really boils down to patience and tolerance.  More importantly, TRUST.  Just like when you are driving over a bridge, you trust the bridge will not collapse.  Or when you are driving down a 2 lane road and you trust the oncoming traffic will stay in their lane.  Trust that others are rooting for you.  Even if you notice rude behavior, trust the process, trust Sexaholics Anonymous and trust God that he wants the best for his children.

Anonymity

For the past 20 years I have heard many people discuss their fears about “what if someone found out?”

I believe the addict is the “last one to find out”.  In other words, generally speaking, everyone already knows the addict’s life is unmanageable, or they are out-of-control, or at the very least a bit crazy.  However, perhaps the addict is very good at hiding it.

Having been a master of disguise for over 40 years, I believe you cannot bullshit a bullshiter.  In other words, when I was a child, they used to say, “if you spot it, you got it” and “if you smelt it you dealt it”.  In AA they say, “a real tosspot calling a kettle black”.

“In some sections of A.A., anonymity is carried to the point of real absurdity. Members are on such a poor basis of communication that they don’t even know each other’s last names or where each lives.” – As Bill Sees it, page 241

“…[Dr. Bob] said there were two ways to break the Anonymity Tradition: (1) by giving your name at the public level of press or radio; (2) by being so anonymous that you can’t be reached by other drunks.” – Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers, page 264

Additional references: