Every day I wake up and try to say this prayer— “God thank you for helping me stay clean, sober and free of lust (as best as possible) all of these days in a row. Please help me not take a drink, drug or masturbate just for today.
Fortunately, I have been successful in 2 out 3. I have not found it necessary to take a drink or a drug in over 6,100 days. God willing, ODAAT November 7 will be my 17 year AA anniversary.
But my prayers don’t stop there. I continue to ask God for help by saying, “please help me not have a sex with another woman, look at pornography, flirt with another woman, stare at another woman, use the language of lust, watch TV or Movies and fantasize about sexual images in my head for the next 24 hours”. This is one hour at a time and often one minute at a time.
So what is adultery? It is voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse. I got engaged on the top of the Eiffel Tower in January 2002 and married that same year in October on the Chesapeake Bay. After I lost my virginity on my 18th birthday I had many one-night stands. In fact, I met my wife in 1992 and was not faithful to her those first 10 years of dating.
When I took my solemn vow of marriage I said, “In the name of God, I take you, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death.” I’m proud to say I have never had intercourse with another woman since I put that diamond ring on my wife’s finger.
The SA White Book points out how we acted out whether or not our relationships were committed, meaningful, or whether we just resorted to a little sex with self as a physical outlet. Ironically enough, I am pretty sure I may have had sex with another married woman while I was single once or twice, but I can’t remember.
So when I examine my life over the past 46 years I know I have sinned. I certainly am guilty of committing fornication-voluntary sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons or two persons not married to each other. Thank God for the Twelve Steps because I have made amends for past wrongs.
I was raised Christian and even attended a Catholic high school. There we learned about Mortal and Venial Sins. For example, I’ve often wondered if I’m guilty of infidelity which is basically marital disloyalty or breach of trust. Jimmy Carter said it best, “I’ve looked on a lot of women with lust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times”.
As I’m writing this post, this is day 10 for me without masturbation and pornography. I can’t say that I watched much TV or Movies either over the past week and a half. The Sexaholics Anonymous sobriety definition “means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the spouse. For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind. And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust.” Thank GOD, I have never committed adultery in my life!
How to Live ODAAT or in my case One Minute at a Time?
It took me several years to learn that the first word in the first step is “We”. I had a guy used to tell me I had a problem with my “eyes”. He said, “your “eyes” are too close together. I thought he meant I needed glasses. What he was trying to say, “stop talking about myself”. Instead think about how many times I use the word “I”.
Today we must use all the tools available to us, including phone calls, email and even text messaging. If you never setup a Twitter account, I encourage you to visit http://www.saphonemeeting.org/twitter.html. The primary advantage is you do not have to manually add multiple people to a “SMS text message”. Instead, you send only one message to short code: 40404 and everyone you decide that follows you will get the message automatically on their phone.
We setup this account => http://twitter.com/saphonemeeting several years ago and I know a friend of mine has used it to help him stay sober. We have 78 people following our Tweets. I follow Patrick Carnes. I recommend creating a separate account for social purposes outside of Sexaholics Anonymous for anonymity purposes.
Now if I could only get some sleep and find a job 🙂 Winning the lottery would be nice also, but I’ve never bought a ticket in my life. I believe the best investment you can make is in yourself.