Category Archives: News

Altruism

According to Merriam Webster, this is defined to be a belief in or practice of disinterested and selfless concern for the well-being of others; unselfish regard for or devotion to the welfare of others; opposed to egoism; willingness to do things that bring advantages to others, even if it results in disadvantage for yourself.  Here are some examples:

“Some may choose to work with vulnerable elderly people out of altruism”.

“An altruistic firefighter risks his life to save another’s life”.

Ever since I became an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous, drank the Kool-Aid and starting doing Service Work, I have learned by experience that the more you give, the more you receive!  That is a fact.

In fact, I also firmly believe I could NEVER fully refund what AA and SA has given me.  In other words, if I got what I truly deserved, I would be dead.  I was a terrible, awful man who caused a lot of havoc in other people’s lives for over 10 years.

Since I have come into recovery, I sincerely hope that I am much more happy_destinyapart of the solution than part of the problem today.  Some days are obviously better than others and I am not ALWAYS sick (DIS-EASE) for more than 24 hours, 1 full week or 1 full month.  I have a conscience that tells me, “this does not feel right. this is wrong. stop. behave.”

“We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.” Read more

 


Quick to Listen

We all want to be right, especially in the heat of an argument. But instead of settling for being right, what if we tried to make things right?  Click here

 

Concepts, Rewards and Principles

Concept 1: Final responsibility and ultimate authority for SA service should always reside in the collective conscience of our whole Fellowship.

Concept 2: The leadership of SA, as represented by the General Delegate Assembly and the Board of Trustees, has become for nearly every practical purpose the active voice and the effective conscience of our whole society in its service matters.

Concept 3: To ensure effective leadership, we should endow each element of SA’s service structure, the General Delegate Assembly and the Board of Trustees and its staffs and Committees with a traditional “Right of Decision.”

Concept 4: At all responsible levels, we ought to maintain the traditional “Right of Participation,” allowing a voting representation in reasonable proportion to the responsibility that each must discharge at that level.

Concept 5: Throughout our structure a traditional ―Right of Appeal‖ ought to prevail, so that minority opinion will be heard and personal grievances receive careful consideration.

Concept 6: The General Delegate Assembly recognizes that the chief initiative and active responsibility for most service matters should be exercised by the Board of Trustees.

Concept 7: The Bylaws of the Board of Trustees are a legal instrument empowering the Board to manage and conduct service matters. The SA service structure documents are not legal documents. They rely on tradition and the SA purse for final effectiveness.

Concept 8: The Trustees are the principal administrators of overall policy and finance.

Concept 9: Good service leadership at all levels is indispensable for our future functioning and safety.

Concept 10: Every service responsibility should be matched by an equal service authority, with scope of such authority well defined.

Concept 11: The Trustees should always have the assistance of the best possible committees, staffs and consultants. Composition, qualifications, induction procedures, rights and duties will always be matters of serious concern.

Concept 12: The General Delegate Assembly and the Board of Trustees shall observe the spirit of SA tradition, taking care that it never becomes the seat of perilous wealth or power, that sufficient operating funds, plus an ample reserve, be its prudent financial principle, that it place none of its members in a position of unqualified authority over others; that it reach all important decisions by discussion, vote and whenever possible by substantial unanimity; that its actions never be personally punitive nor an incitement to public controversy; that it never perform acts of government; and that like the Fellowship it serves, it will always remain democratic in thought and action.

SA, as such, would never have an organization in the sense of a “government” that could issue directives by committee or Board to individuals or groups within the fellowship. Our committees and Board could only provide services and we’ve tried to organize them to function effectively. But SA has no government in the political sense*.

*”The Co-Founders of Alcoholics Anonymous (Biographical sketches their last major talks),” Pg 25. The Twelve Concepts for SA approved by the General Delegate Assembly, January 2004

Download entire SA Service Manual => Click Here


Twelve Rewards of the 12 Step Program

  1. We can all have Hope, instead of desperation
  2. Faith, instead of despair
  3. Courage, instead of fear
  4. Peace of Mind, instead of confusion
  5. Self-respect, instead of self-contempt
  6. Self-confidence, instead of helplessness
  7. The respect of others, instead of their pity and contempt
  8. A clean conscience, instead of a sense of guilt
  9. Real friendships, instead of loneliness
  10. A clean pattern of life, instead of a purposeless existence
  11. The love and understanding of our families, instead of their doubts and fears
  12. And the freedom of a happy life, instead of the bondage of an alcoholic obsession.

All this and more through AA, are we grateful enough? Gratitude will continue the miracle of your sobriety, I found that out.
as written by Ann C. of Niles, Ohio – sober April 1, 1948
Ann C. wrote this “a number of years before” the 1985 International Convention in Montreal, Canada where she set it to tape at the Oldtimers Meeting. She wrote it to show the contrast that can take place in any of our lives if we will try to follow the AA principles.

 

12 Spiritual Principles to Live By

Life is hard. It doesn’t matter if you’re living in a huge mansion or standing in line at a soup kitchen, the truth of the matter is not many of us are given the tools while growing up to cope with the many stressors in our lives. But there are people out there who seem to have an idea of how to stay optimistic in these changing times. I spent much of my adult life perplexed by their good natures, and even more confused by their good will, until I learned that there were principles — and, by principles, I mean universal truths — that I could apply to my own life and literally change how I felt, not only about myself, but about the world around me.

Some of them seem like common sense, but you need to understand going into the exercise that reading these principles and actually practicing them in your day-to-day lives are two entirely different things (and that the latter requires vigilance and willingness). The phrase “easier said than done” applies here. But, the truth is, if you’re reading this, then chances are you’re in the same place I was when I first discovered these practices, and that means you’re ready.

Here are the 12 spiritual principles I try to live by on a daily basis:

ACCEPTANCE

There’s this thing called The Serenity Prayer that goes something like this: “God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.” What painful, awful thing in your life are you accepting that, in all truth, you can actually change? Once you deeply accept that only you have the power to move forward in your life, then you can take the action to do it. But there are also things that you cannot change, and the work here is to accept that you can’t manage that situation or this person or that thing. There is power in powerlessness also, because it frees you from conflict and allows you to enjoy the rest of your life with real aplomb.

LIVE YOUR TRUTH

You’d be surprised how many lies I told myself and how many times I suffered because of them. Indeed, the lies I told myself fed into the lies I told other people and left me isolated when all I ever craved was connection. Can you believe that? My cure for loneliness was isolation. But I changed all of that when I started to speak my own truth and gave the people around me the opportunity to truly know who I was and what I stood for. We live in fear of what other people will think or say about us, but do you really want those kinds of people in your life today? Tell your truth; embrace who you are and let the naysayers know that, if it’s going to make a difference as to whether they love you or not, then it should start making a difference now.

REMAIN GRATEFUL

I have a friend who, for one morning every month, pretends to be blind. He wakes without opening his eyes, fumbles his way to his kitchen to make coffee then heads off to the bathroom to shower and brush his teeth. He eats a bowl of cold cereal and dresses himself and doesn’t allow himself to open his eyes until he gets behind the wheel of his car to go to work. And he does this so that he can live in gratitude of the many gifts in his life, least among which is the gift of sight. I try to practice gratitude also, although not with as much verve as my friend; but I recognize that, in today’s world, it is easy to become entitled and walk around with a sense of indignation and lose sense of the things that really matter, and fall away from gratitude. Everything in your life is worth exploring, whether it be the fact that you can walk and run or the knowledge that, if it ever gets to be too much, the world is designed to accommodate you and help you not feel so abandoned or alone.

HAVE FAITH IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

We come into the world, each of us, with our own baggage (sometimes it’s an abandonment issue, sometimes it’s simple trust issues, etc.). We acquire these as children, but we discover that these lessons no longer serve us in adulthood, and we become forced to re-parent or reeducate ourselves. Part of this means learning how to trust our friends and partners and spouses. These relationships are important and you need to think of them as a carefully concocted stew of love and patience and understanding. When we distrust the people closest to us, what we are actually doing is adding negative ingredients to the pot — jealousy, possessiveness, suspicion… of course, they are going to react in a negative fashion. And we are often shocked when conflict arises, but it is conflict that could have been avoided if we’d made a conscious decision to come from a place of love than one of antagonism and unrest. People are sometimes going to let you down. This is a fact of life. But it is our responsibility to not create an arena for them to do so.

BE OF SERVICE

My wife is an amazing woman. I am in awe of her, but still got a bit resentful one night when I did the dinner dishes and didn’t get so much as a thank you when all was said and done. It was then that I realized that I was looking for a payoff for simply being of service, and that was when my life changed. It isn’t an act of kindness if you expect something for it, and once you remove the payoff from the equation, you will find yourself catapulted to the next level of true selflessness, and that is the understanding that the reward for loving is loving; the reward for being of service is being of service. And the self-esteem that comes from reaching out and helping other people is invaluable. Because it gets you out of your own head and helps you not feel overwhelmed by problems or other concerns. It helps you feel connected.

LAUGH AT YOURSELF

It never ceases to amaze me how sensitive I am. People who care about me — who I know absolutely love me — will sometimes point out one of my idiosyncrasies or talk about something stupid I did in mixed company and, for a long time, it would hurt my feelings and I would over-react. Granted, we all need to monitor how we are perceived (you don’t get a second chance at first impressions), but learning how to laugh at yourself can help build stronger relationships. You family and friends should not be made to feel as though they need to walk on eggshells around you; it’s up to you to create a safe, non-judgmental space for those around you because it is only in this space that you can experience the joy of authentic laughter. And, the fact of the matter is, I can’t possibly be the only one to leave a public restroom with toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

LIVE IN THE MOMENT

Your past is inescapable, your future is unavoidable, but your present is forever unrestrained. We sometimes spend more time obsessing over things that have happened and dreading some unforeseen future that we forget the simple truth that, right now, in this moment, we are okay. No matter what is happening, even now — reading this — you are okay. Take a breath. Enjoy this one, perfect moment, because it is yours. You have plans and obligations, sure, but we’re not there yet; right now, it’s just us, living in this wonderful moment, and reveling in the fact that, in and of ourselves, we are complete, we are worthy of connection, and we are enough. When things get hectic, remind yourself of this and get centered. Only in the moment are we ever our perfect selves.

PRACTICE RESTRAINT OF PEN AND TONGUE

This was a hard one for me to learn. But then I realized that a lot of the conflict in my life was of my own design. I had to adopt a new way of relating to other people. I had to ask myself, “Does this need to be said?” then, “Does this need to be said now?” and finally, “Does this need to be said by me?” The three simple questions, in one fell stroke, eliminated so much pain and drama in my life that it left a huge space in my life that could only be filled with a new influx of love and understanding. Not only did people suddenly want to be around me, but the problems that I thought could only be managed by me seemed to work themselves out on their own. I had, for lack of a better term, inadvertently learned how to get out of God’s way.

LEARN TO FORGIVE

This one’s a hard pill to swallow, because I’m not a huge advocate of “Turn The Other Cheek” — I believe that you have to talk about (and really process) some wrongs that have been done to you before you can get to the part where forgiveness is possible. But, I also believe that it gets easier every time you do it, and that the emotional work involved is worth the effort it takes to get there. Some transgressions are unforgivable, true. But most aren’t. Bear in mind, I am not telling you to run out and forgive everyone; I am telling you to LEARN to forgive, because that’s where the spiritual growth will come from: it will come from the journey toward forgiveness.

REMAIN TEACHABLE

I have a friend who is a huge naysayer when it comes to new concepts and ideas. The simple truth is, he’s so busy seeing THROUGH everything that he can’t see ANYTHING. And, sadly, as a result, he will always be right where I left him, because his capacity for growth is stunted by his inability to embrace new ideas. But this doesn’t have to be YOU. Allow yourself to have an open mind. Accept that even the worst-dressed person at the party may have something interesting to say to you and put your hand out to say hello. Rediscover your sense of wonder. No matter how old you are, the world still has a lot to show you. We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having very Human experiences. Avail yourself to each and every one.

EVERYTHING YOU CAME HERE LOOKING FOR, YOU CAME HERE LOOKING WITH

I cannot tell you how much time and energy I wasted searching for some sort of outside “thing” to fix me. And everywhere I went, the answer was always the same: We’re Perfect. In and of ourselves, we are whole and complete. Inner Peace comes from accepting this as Your Truth. Granted, there are things about ourselves that we can change, and there are outside things that we can acquire that will enrich the quality of our lives, but none of those things are the destination of any spiritual journey; every spiritual journey is designed to help you find yourself. Because it is only when you’ve found, accepted, and learned to love yourself that you are capable of connecting with anything else, whether it’s other people, your family, or a God of your own understanding. Believe it.

BE COURAGEOUS IN LIFE

Maya Angelou is a celebrated American author and poet who once taught that Courage is the most important of all the virtues because, without it, you cannot practice any of the others consistently. It takes courage to love. It takes courage to be honest and to speak your own truth. It takes courage to forgive. It takes courage to reach out and help other people. The list goes on and on. I had to learn very early on how not to let fear dictate my behavior; I had to learn how to not let fear inform my decisions. You can do this, too. I promise you. It’s in you. If you’re reading this, then you’re ready to take a few chances and truly grow. And, if worse comes to worst, keep this in mind: A turtle cannot walk — it cannot move forward — unless it sticks its neck out.
Reference

The (Only) Seven Spiritual Principles We Need to Succeed

Phone Etiquette in the last decade

The following script was originally written on December 22, 2004 by Paul S., founder of Sexaholics Anonymous Phone Bridge.

Suggested SA Phone Meeting Guidelines and Etiquette

(to be read periodically or when new members join, or if needed)
1. When qualifying or sharing, we try to avoid graphic terms that may trigger lust in some participants.  For example, many groups use the term “sex with self” in the place of masturbation. We also avoid the language of lust in other words please refrain from profanity….especially sexual words…..  such as the ‘F” bomb.

2. We also avoid mentioning specific geographic locations so as to not trigger others. For example one California caller mentioned all the beautiful people on a  certain commuter train line everyday and next thing a New Jersey regular was thinking how he needs to fly out and go on a commuter train 3000 miles away just to see if he can handle it…. Moral- please don’t hurt us by giving us new knowledge that our addicts can use.

3. In order for SA to remain a safe place for recovery, looking for acting-out or romantic partners in a phone meeting is strongly discouraged.  Therefore, caution needs to be exercised when calling each other between meetings. For example, it is suggested that phone numbers not be exchanged between male and female members.

4. Some people breathe more heavily than others and we may not realize it. So, we ask everyone to hold the mouthpiece of their telephone handset a bit away from their mouth and nose, unless they are speaking. Smokers are asked to blow away from the phone. Please mute your phone “before” you eat a bag of potato chips.

5. If we need to carry on with other activities during the call it is important to check with the group that we are not making noise that interferes with the meeting. Going outside and/or starting your car can be very distracting. Press the 5 key on your phone to mute and the 4 key to unmute and speak, or better yet save us the beeps and just use the mute button on your own phone.

6. Speakerphones do not transmit clear sound and pick up background noise, so we try to use speakerphone mode only if we are quietly listening.

7. To avoid interruptions during the meeting, it is suggested that we turn the ringer off the second line if we have a two-line phone and that we disable call-waiting by dialing *70 prior to calling the bridge number.  Call-waiting will automatically reset when we hang up.

8. Pets: If we’re on a small phone meeting our dog will probably woof at exactly the time needed for some comic relief, so it’s not usually a problem.  But if we’re on a large phone meeting and our dog, cat or orangutan gets frantic, it’s probably best to put them in another room! : )

9. By attending the meetings and sharing in a sober way (not a drunkalog, or everyday of how issues of 30 years ago or even thirty days ago have us stuck. We should encourage members who are stuck at insobriety per the White Book to get a sponsor, and work the Steps….. attend face to face meetings etc..

10. There is only one day we can do something about……Today.  In 1963  if  you had a realization that Donald Duck in Disneyland didn’t have any pants on but just a shirt, and it haunts you still, try therapy or whatever, but SA meetings are not the place to process it, especially day after day. We all know the problem. We do not share the problem in SA meetings. In SA we share the solution.

11. Doing service …by being prepared to chair the meetings and/or having literature handy when you call in.

12. By helping the meetings be as real SA as possible, so feel free to politely challenge newcomers who think it may be a chat line, or a social club. We do not need to know they just walked the dog, or that they are taking another call from their astrologer, or by their interuptive questions asking if Joey in East Jabip is online, or how is the traffic on highway 666, or what is the reading, and then just share what they did all day anyway…. Really shouldn’t we all show up on time and stay for the entire hour meeting? If one’s work environment is frantic or disruptive please spare us and just go on mute, rather then jump in and out, saying here I am, then announcing I am leaving, and later breaking in “I am back”……if someone walked in and out and in again to a face to face meeting and announced it loudly every time would it be tolerated?  Certainly to share on topic is great, but don’t ask for recaps, then assume we all have been just waiting for their share with baited breath… Newsflash your mother and us are not on the SA phoneline waiting for you to announce you are home!

13. In the same vein please challenge cross talk (or questions and answers) between callers as it is against tradition and just rude to the other callers.

14. By carrying the message, taking telephone flyers to face to face meetings and letting others know of this SA resource.  What have you done to help the phone meetings “Carry The Message”.

15. By staying sober and letting others know the phone meetings are helping you achieve the sobriety. Lets become the soberest wing of SA, lets all be able to say, and mean THAT JUST FOR TODAY I DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH MYSELF OR ANYONELSE (EXCEPT MY SPOUSE) NO MATTER WHAT….. AND MY (WHITE BOOK) SOBRIETY (AND SEXUALY ABSTINENCE) ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY LIFE!  It is my impression sober people are saying it, and unsober ones aren’t. Try saying it. Keep saying it. Eventually you will mean it.

 

Three-Way Calling Feature

Wow, I cannot believe that so many people are unaware of the OBVIOUS.  Our SA Phone Meeting directory of phone numbers and access codes are “publicly available” on the Internet.  However, when people join a teleconference, they sometimes forget that anyone could be listening.

“We also use telephone meetings with two or more members, using the three-way calling feature available in many cities.”

That is why the “Virtual Intergroup” fought so hard for over 10 years to convince the SAICO Trustees and members of Sexaholics Anonymous that the “phone meetings” met a need.  Particularly to those that are unable to attend “face-to-face meetings” in their area, those that are disabled and even those traveling and away from their local home group.

Tradition Three states, “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober.”  Yet, there are many people who would rather BAN someone then focus on their own Character Defects.  In fact, many years ago I read a story about a guy, namely Jesus Christ who was crucified for his strange beliefs and behavior (Read more).

Recently, we are in LOCK-DOWN, due to the Coronavirus / COVID-19 Pandemic and many people are frustrated they cannot get to their local meetings.  WOWBoy, those Trustees sure did not see this coming 15 years ago (Read more).

Getting Started

Are you new?  Are you confused?  Do you have Mis-Perceptions?  Click here

Step “Zero”

“There is an unwritten step underlying all twelve. Call it Step Zero: “We participated in the fellowship of the program.” No one seems able to stay sober and progress in recovery without it, though some try. For most of us, without associating in some way with other recovering individuals, there is no lasting sobriety and none of the fringe benefits of recovery, growth, freedom, and joy. This holds true even for “loners” (those without groups). We don’t try to explain this; it is simply a fact.

We begin by meeting regularly with other members. If there is no group where we live, we start one ourselves, even if it is meeting with only one other member. Fellowship is that crucial to our recovery. We can’t do it alone. We pray to be led to another sexaholic who will want to hear our story, then we follow all leads that come to our attention. We contact the SA Central Office for any contacts there may be in our area and ask for materials and know-how. (See part III and Appendix 3.) Many groups have started in just such a manner. Long distances may separate members at first; some travel more than a hundred miles to meet with others.

Commit yourself to your group, whether it is being formed or is operating but still small. Attend every meeting on time. This ensures maximum benefit to you and the group, which cannot have continuity without regular participants. The measure of such commitment will be the measure of your recovery.

Can’t see the forest through the trees.

We also use telephone meetings with two or more members, using the three-way calling feature available in many cities. Some members subscribe to discount long-distance phone service for considerable savings. Speaker phones enable a loner to sit in remotely. We augment this by letter writing and attending other types of Twelve Step meetings, many of which are open to the public. Much benefit can be gained there in learning how to apply the Steps in one’s life and in seeing how meetings are run (Coup d’etat).

We cannot put this strongly enough: Experience has shown us that we must be part of others or we cannot maintain effective surrender, see ourselves rightly, or work the Steps. Without regular participation in the fellowship, there seems to be no recovery”. (Sexaholics Anonymous, White Book, pages 63-64).

Can’t see the forest through the trees.

An expression used of someone who is too involved in the details of a problem to look at the situation as a whole. When a person focuses too much on small detail (trees), and misses the big picture (forest). It would be like someone needing to paint an entire house in one day, but spending half the day on picking out the right color (Read more).

Recently, I joined an SA Phone Meeting and I heard another woman share about Penguins.  Penguins have to keep high body temperatures to remain active. They have thick skin and lots of fat (blubber) under their skin to keep warm in cold weather. They also huddle together with their friends to keep warm. What Penguins Can Teach Us About Team Work (Read more).

 

Candles

Every time I light a candle, I believe God enters the room.  It offers a real sense of peace and serenity for me!

Do you remember that old Police video – Wrapped Around Your Finger? Click here

candles

Why do Christians burn candles in Church?
As with many things in Christianity, lighting a candle during worship probably began not as a ritual, but from a practical reason, and as the years passed well meaning believers sought meaningful symbolism in what they did.

I will do three things in this response:
1. Offer some understanding of what Christians believe regarding candles in worship
2. Give my understanding of the historical origin
3. Offer personal opinion on the use of candles, symbolism and how we worship

Most clergy in a liturgical church will tell you that the candle represents Jesus as the Light of the world, or that the light and fire represent the presence and power of God (similar to the pillar of fire that led the children of Israel in the exodus). Some might say that each believer lights a candle prior to worship to symbolize his/her life as a offering, being burned up in service to God. All of these (and many more could be added) are nice gestures of symbolism. Christian faith is filled with symbolism, all of which is helpful to instruct us and to help us understand our faith in a way that goes beyond the intellectual level. Anything you do, like getting on your knees in prayer as an act of humility, can be very helpful and meaningful for communicating nuances of our faith beyond the intellect.

In the Orthodox Church each member is encouraged upon entering the worship place to purchase a small votive candle, light it, and place it in a small sandbox. There are various beliefs and reasons for why Orthodox believers do this – as with all symbolism, one individual might be taught an angle on a symbol that is not quite correct, yet their particular practice becomes meaningful. They then pass along their unique view to others and the process of growing symbolism continues. No church looks back in history more than the Orthodox Church for rationale and explanation of practice. They point to early references (like Eusebius, circa 360 AD) of candle usage, but even by this time traditions for symbolism had already developed. But how did the use of candles start?

I am not aware of any clear historical references, but there are some things we do know that can allow us to make some fairly good assumptions.

While it is true that Judaism and other religions in the ancient world used candles in symbolic ways, candles were used principally as a light source in ancient times. If Christians met before or after dark candles would have been used in the meeting place or home just to keep from stumbling around. When Christians met in the dark Roman catacombs candles would have been used for a light source. As people arrived they most likely would have placed all candles or wicked lamps in one place – it would not be safe for every person to carry and handle a fire source – tunics and robes could easily catch on fire. Ten or twenty candles sitting on a stand would give off significant light for an entire room.

This is probably how the practice of bringing, or lighting, a candle started – in a most natural way, not initially for symbolic reasons. The same can be said for many other Christian symbols like icons and prayer beads. Read more

Life in the fast lane

“He was a hard-headed man he was brutally handsome
And she was terminally pretty
She held him up and he held her for ransom
In the heart of the cold, cold city
He had a nasty reputation as a cruel dude
They said he was ruthless said he was crude
They had one thing in common: they were good in bed
She’d say, “Faster, faster “The lights are turning red”
Life in the fast lane
Surely make you lose your mind
Life in the fast lane, yeah
Eager for action and hot for the game
The coming attraction, the drop of a name
They knew all the right people
They took all the right pills
They threw outrageous parties
They paid heavenly bills
There were lines on the mirror”

~Lyrics from Eagles singer Joe Walsh

Read more 

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In SA we “Lead with my weakness”

My biggest weaknesses are as follows:

  • searching for job, enormous anxiety & pressure, 5th step every day, every hour
  • self esteem, confidence, insecurity – criticism, insult, confidence, courage, serenity prayer
  • resentments – pray for others, freedom from bondage
  • wife – unsolicited advice, mother, friends – get a new network; women, lust, refuse all hits as toxic – fantasy, relief

Condemnation – the act of condemning.

strong censure; disapprobation; reproof.

condemn – to express an unfavorable or adverse judgment on; indicate strong disapproval of; censure. to pronounce to be guilty; sentence to punishment: to condemn a murderer to life imprisonment. to give grounds or reason for convicting or censuring: His acts condemn him. to judge or pronounce to be unfit for use or service: to condemn an old building.

No one should be admonished from the 12 step meetings

admonish – to caution, advise, or counsel against something. to reprove or scold, especially in a mild and good-willed manner: The teacher admonished him about excessive noise. to urge to a duty; remind: to admonish them about their obligations.

Meetings – How They Work

“As I come into the fellowship, I’m confronted with my disease.  First, in my initial contacts with other members; then in meeting after meeting.  But there are parts of the disease still hidden in that deep hole inside me, sides of me I never want you to see, and eventually they start festering.  So, one by one, I’m forced to get rid of them.  The problem is, how do I keep my disease from always running into a dark corner?”
That’s how one member put it in trying to describe something of what happens in meetings.  The problem is our blind sides; we all have them.  So, the question for us is, How do we work our personal programs and conduct our meetings and fellowship so as to “walk in the light”? Here’s what has been working for us:
1.  By getting sober and staying sober and holding to the concept of sexual sobriety in our SA meetings.  Without sobriety we have nothing to offer anyone.  SA offers sexual sobriety, progressive victory over lust, and recovery.  When this is our aim, meetings can become a sanctuary of serenity and light.
2.  By not imposing uniformity.  We don’t prescribe doing the Steps by formula or in exactly the same way some other member does them.  We do the Steps in our own way and time; we “Live and Let Live.” But working the Steps does work for us.
3.  By telling the side of our stories we really don’t want to tell.  This is different than a mere “sexalog,” relating our sexual experiences.  It is rigorous self-searching and self-revealing honesty about every aspect of our lives.  We arc fitting the pieces of our lives together differently every time we tell our stories or share.
4.  By telling exactly where we are today(where we’re failing today, as well as where we’re succeeding.  “I’m as sick as my secrets,” the saying goes.  So we reveal our secrets; we bring the inside out.  Self-honesty, in humility, yet so powerful.  We lead with our weaknesses.
5.  By continually working the principles of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions in our lives first, and in our fellowship.
6.  By helping others through identification.  When we want to communicate to another member, we speak in terms of “I,” not “we” or “you.” We don’t tell them what’s wrong with them or give advice; we relate what happened to us.  When we thus identify with another, it may not only help that person, but often reveals something about ourselves we’ve missed before.  We don’t tell; we share.
“I can tell you what’s wrong with you without identifying, but this keeps me from looking at myself and can be destructive to you.  But when I bring it up by identifying through my own experience, it means I’m bringing myself out into the light.”
7.  By taking responsibility for our own recovery.  There’s a difference between taking responsibility for our recovery and being in charge of it.  When we take responsibility, we’ve stopped saying “Fix me” and are willing to take the actions necessary to get well.  We’re
willing to take direction and work the Steps.  This same attitude is what leads us to tie in to another sober member as helper or sponsor(one who can help us learn how to work the Steps in our daily lives.  When we remain “in charge,” however, we’re shutting ourselves off from the light and help of other recovering members.
8.  By leading with our weakness.  There is an attractive healing atmosphere in meetings when someone is transparent, naive, “innocent,” and self-revealing at depth.  He or she may even be a newcomer, which is often the case and why we need them to help keep us honest.  Vulnerable, and like a child, we take the supreme risk of exposing the truth about ourselves, dark as it may be.  We lead with our weakness because that’s where we’re hurting, and this becomes the point of our identification with each other, the point of true union.  Once this single ray of light shines in a meeting, it finds ready reception and response in the others present.  Honesty is catching; we’re learning to walk in the light.
9.  By commitment to the group.  SA members commit themselves to SA meetings.  We attend every meeting we can.  On time.  Meetings, on time.  Why this emphasis?
When the meeting is handled in a haphazard manner, there’s a feeling of What’s the use? There’s the feeling of being let down, that the secretary, leader, or other members don’t care and are not really a part of.  And if there’s no feeling of mutual caring, then / can’t be a part of.  How can I become a part of something that’s always shifting around? A feeling of separation and isolation comes into play(deadly for us.
Meetings starting on time and a general orderliness are one of the legacies we’ve gotten from the best of other Twelve Step programs.  Instead of “doing our own thing,” which characterizes our self-obsession, we commit ourselves to every meeting and to being on time.  No matter what(spouses, jobs, money(we put the group first because we put our own sobriety first.
Commitment to sobriety is commitment to the fellowship of sobriety.

 

Meeting Guidelines

We can benefit from the unwritten guidelines that have contributed so profoundly to the success of other Twelve Step program meetings and have proven as valuable in our own.
1.  Leaders of meetings are servants of that meeting.  They don’t “carry” the meeting; they merely facilitate it.  A common mistake of those who have no prior Twelve Step meeting experience is to feel they must comment on everything that is said or “help out” in some way by giving “the answer.” The effective leader surrenders this impulse and lets the meeting work itself.
2.  The leader of the meeting does not have to acknowledge a raised hand; he or she can call on someone else.  They can interrupt the one talking, if it is called for.  This is in line with our common tradition.  At the same time, a good meeting is one where the leader’s presence is inconspicuous and non-controlling.
3.  Most groups stick with a certain basic set of readings that are read at every meeting, adding to this to suit the particular meeting.  A list of suggested readings from which to draw is included in the Suggested Meeting Format.  We use authorized SA and AA literature only, both for use during meetings and for distribution on the literature table.
4.  Participation guidelines:
– There is no cross talk.  We don’t interrupt others.  However, the leader has the right to remind the person sharing of guidelines, time consumed, etc.
– We don’t give advice.  We talk in the “I,” not the “we” or the “you,” speaking from our own experience.  If we want to respond to what someone has said, we do so only in terms of our own experience.  “I can only speak for myself, but whenever I did such and such, this is what happened in my life .  .  .”
– We don’t get carried away analyzing what caused our behavior or attitudes.  If we were victimized
in early life, we slowly learn to face and work through it in acknowledgment, acceptance, and forgiveness.  We talk as those who are now responsible for our attitudes and actions and are willing to take responsibility for our lives and recovery.
– In sharing, rather than displaying our knowledge or insights, we lead with our weakness and give of ourselves.
– We avoid politics, religious dogma, and other divisive issues.  We also avoid explicit sexual descriptions and sexually abusive language.
– We avoid dumping, self-pity, and blaming others.
– We don’t take the “inventories” of others; that is, we uncover and work on our own defects, not those of others.  We refer to our own experiences.
– We do speak honestly of where we really are today.  We try to develop transparent honesty of complete self-disclosure, letting the other members know where we are currently, regardless of length of sobriety.
– We do lead with our weakness and take the risk of total self-disclosure.
– By attending on time and sharing regularly, we give of ourselves to others in the group.  We get back recovery.
(See the material under the heading “I Am a Sexaholic” under Step One, in this book, and read the article “Meeting Quality and Use of Non-SA Literature,” in Discovering the Principles.)
The Sobriety Definition
Tradition Three states that “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober.” Given this requirement, one might think that sexual sobriety would be a relative matter that we define for ourselves.  On the surface, this might appear to be an attractive and democratic idea.  We think not.
Our rationalizations are ingenious.  We tried masturbation only, or having “meaningful relationships” only, or having affairs where we “truly cared” for the other person.  Or, we resorted only to one-nighters, prostitutes, or anonymous sex “so nobody got hurt.” Over the long haul, these forms of experimentation did not work for us.  There was no real recovery.  Sobriety works for us.
How can we consider ourselves sober if we are still resorting to whatever or whomever we are using addictively? With most of us coming in, there was never any doubt what we had to stop doing.  We knew.  However, if we come into an SA group where we can define our own sobriety, watch those rationalizations come alive! And if we define our own level of sobriety, that’s all we’re likely to reach.
In defining sobriety, we do not speak for those outside Sexaholics Anonymous.  We can only speak for ourselves.  Thus, for the married sexaholic, sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the
192
spouse.  For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind.  And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust.*
Of course, we recognize that one can be sexually “dry” but not sober from lust or dependency.  The “dry drunk” syndrome, discovered in AA, applies to us as well, single or married.  But we try to avoid passing judgment on the quality of another’s inner sobriety.  That must come from the individual.  And if such persons keep coming back, the fact of whether or not they are living free from the power of sexual lust, fantasy, or dependency, not to mention switching addictions, usually becomes apparent.  This aspect of recovery seems to be progressive.  Thus, our SA expression: “True sobriety includes progressive victory over lust.” But progress we must or recovery eludes us! The real problem for all of us(single, married, man, woman, from whatever lifestyle(is one and the same: the spiritual misconnection.
We have found that more important than the mere length of our calendar sobriety is its quality and our own personal integrity.  Physical sobriety is not an end in itself but a means toward an end – victory over the obsession and progress in recovery.  We are often the only ones who know on the inside of our souls whether we are truly in sobriety and recovery.  (It is also possible we can be fooling ourselves.) Better to acknowledge where we really are than hide behind the badge of our sobriety date, cheat ourselves, and threaten our union with one another.
The fact that marrieds can have sex with their spouse and call themselves “sober” is no advantage at all.  It can even work against recovery.  Some marrieds confess that even though they aren’t “acting out” any more, victory over lust still eludes them.  As a matter of fact, it often seems harder for marrieds to get victory over lust and dependency unless they go through the experience of total sexual abstinence.  And more often than we might suppose, marrieds
(* In SA’s sobriety definition, the term “spouse” refers to one’s partner in a marriage between a man and a woman.)
can be heard complaining that singles have it easier! Let’s face it: sexaholics(recovering or not, single or married( can expect to have problems with sex! Not to mention the host of other problems entailed in trying to live with and relate to others.
What we strive toward is not only the negative sobriety of not acting out our sexaholism, but progressive victory over the obsession in the looking and thinking.  We also strive toward the positive sobriety of acting out true union of persons.  The great blessing (or curse, as the case may be) of our condition is that unless and until we can give unconditionally and relate with others, the vacuum left inside us from withdrawal will never be filled.  All along, we had thought we could make the Connection by taking; we see now that we get it by giving.  Our whole concept of sex begins to change.  Sex finds a simple and natural place it could never have before and becomes merely one of the things that flows from true union in committed marriage.  And even here, we’ve discovered that sex is optional.
Unity in fellowship and good spiritual quality in meetings are supported by this definition.  Without defining sexual sobriety, we would make it possible for those who are still practicing lust in some fashion to lead meetings and hold policy-making positions affecting not only the group but SA as a whole.  This could also compromise the spiritual atmosphere so that the power of God’s presence would not be active in the meetings and fellowship.  While groups may stay together without a commitment to sobriety – just as individuals may temporarily feel better without it(we have found that there is no true spiritual unity in groups without a shared commitment to sobriety and progress in recovery.  “Personal recovery depends on SA unity” (Tradition One).  Sobriety and victory over lust are the bases for our unity and common welfare, which must come first.  Our sobriety is the sine qua non, the necessary basis of our recovery and fellowship.  Without experiencing it, we have nothing.
For us, sobriety works.
We “Live and Let Live,” but we do not call one another sober unless we are practicing sobriety.

Spirit of Rotation

Tradition Two: The Principle of Rotation

(Short Form) “For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority–a loving god as he may express himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.”

The purpose of this blog is to enhance unity by encouraging discussion of one element of Tradition Two: The Principle of Rotation.

 

The format poses inventory questions followed by material from published sources of CA, NA, and AA. This blog explores the question, as it relates to our fellowships’ rotation of leaders, “do we serve or do we govern?”

 

Do we practice rotating leadership, stepping out of office regardless if we believe others are not available, not willing and not qualified or do we remain frozen in office?

The AA Group Pamphlet, p. 34

“Traditionally, Rotation keeps AA members from becoming frozen in office. It also ensures that group tasks, like nearly everything else in AA, are passed around for all to share…to step out of an AA office you love can be hard. If you have been doing a good job, if you honestly don’t see anyone else around willing, qualified, or with the time to do it, and if your friends agree, it is especially tough. But it can be a real step forward in growth–a step into the humility that is, for some people, the spiritual essence of anonymity…rotation helps to bring us spiritual rewards far more enduring than any fame. With no AA “status” at stake, we needn’t compete for titles or praise–we have complete freedom to serve as we are needed”.

AA Grapevine, September 1992

“But then I began to see rotation in action, and i learned the difference between ruling and serving. Rotation is one of the ways we use to make sure we serve and don’t rule…AA’s tradition of rotation ( even if it permits some inexperience and even ignorance ) was a bit shocking. Could such a structure stay intact? Wouldn’t it finally fall apart? The answer, i discovered, was this: AA is unified and strong, because we are not organized…we’ve insisted that all those serving AA derive their authority from a loving god expressing himself within the informed group conscience.”

Do we practice rotating leadership assuring anonymity in service or do we have leadership exhibiting personal endeavors and individual personalities?

 

Do we practice transitory and rotating leadership allowing dependence on the god of our understanding to lead, via group conscience, or do we govern through fixed and official leadership?

Bill Wilson, AA Grapevine, October 1947

“AA may be able to function upon the power of its own fundamental principles rather than upon the prestige or inspiration of a highly personalized leadership. Thus the whole can become of transcending importance over any part; continued unity and success can then mostly depend upon god as we understand him working vitally in thousands of hearts rather than a few. Deep down, I think we in AA have begun to sense this magnificent possibility. The widening conviction that active leadership ought to be transitory and rotating; that each AA group with respect to its own affairs need be accountable only to its own conscience; that our committees and boards are really servants, not officials; that we, as a movement, ought to remain poor, so avoiding the risks of disrupting wealth…such concepts certainly leave little room for a prestige-clothed leadership.”

Do we experience through rotating leadership at all service levels, a kind of democracy rarely possible elsewhere or do we experience an authoritarian and fixed leadership interfering with our true ultimate authority?

Bill Wilson, AA Grapevine, January 1948

“We humbly hope and believe that our growing AA tradition will prove to be the will of god for us… and we need not depend overmuch on inspired leaders. Because our active leadership of service can be truly rotating, we enjoy a kind of democracy rarely possible elsewhere…therefore we of AA are certain that there is but one ultimate authority, “a loving god as he may express himself in our group conscience.”

Do we believe as individual members that our service committees govern and cannot get along without us and our directions, advice or orders and do we connive for re-election, unwilling to step aside quietly allowing god, through our group conscience to lead?

AA, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions p.134/5

“…the Group now has a so-called rotating committee, very sharply limited in its authority. In no sense whatever can its members govern or direct the group. They are servants. Theirs is the sometimes thankless privilege of doing the group’s chores…the committee gives no spiritual advice, judges no one’s conduct, issues no orders…and so they make the belated discovery that they are really servants, not senators. These are universal experiences. Thus throughout AA does the group conscience decree the terms upon which its leaders shall serve…the bleeding deacon is one who is just as surely convinced that the group cannot get along without him, who constantly connives for reelection to office…”

Do we selflessly serve as leaders, guided by group conscience, or do we exert authority to seek power, property or prestige through governance?

 

 

AA Grapevine, September 1992

“In setting up services and make sure they worked well, it was tempting to forget the principle of rotation…how much more difficult it was to hold on to the principle of rotation and make sure humility (rather than power building) was at the center of our efforts. We learned that even though it was more difficult to rotate and have to constantly move through a period of learning, this was good for the individuals involved and for AA…no one person or small group of people, needed to stay in particular serving positions…many people got a chance to serve rather than just a few.”

Do we manipulate the traditions through uninformed, ill informed or manipulative opinions, exerting personal leadership or do we remain open minded, actively learning about tradition and willing to change our minds to achieve unity?

 

Coup d’état

From a young Manhattan real estate mogul to a U.S. President, Donald Trump has been on Forbes’ radar and in its pages for decades.

The big-talking populist, turned Republican front-runner appeared on the 1982 inaugural list of Forbes 400 richest Americans, then in 1990 reportedly fell “within hailing distance of zero,” all the while—and still today—arguing our calculations short his actual worth.

This back and forth elicited “Forever Frenemies” is the cover of the magazine. Read more


Yesterday and today at the Noon SA Phone Meeting, there was a lot of controversy, mostly related to “principles before personalities”, which is written in our 12th Tradition.

Misperceptions

It started when I read the SA Purpose and gave special attention to the wording “…does not wish to engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sexually sober and help others to achieve sexual sobriety.”

I intentionally read that this reading is “Reprinted for adaptation with permission of the Alcoholics Anonymous Grapevine. Copyright The AA Grapevine, Inc.” and someone on the call took offense to that.

Wow.  I often wonder if people have anything better to do with their time when they get on the teleconference and complain about other members, or me specifically as the moderator / secretary of the meeting.

I learned over 20 years ago, “whoever complains about the coffee, is next week’s coffee maker”.

“Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern” according to our 2nd Tradition.

A coup d’état literally “blow of state”; or an overthrow, is the sudden and illegal seizure of a state, usually instigated by a small group of the existing government establishment to depose the established regime and replace it with a new ruling body. A coup d’état is considered successful when the usurpers establish their dominance and legitimacy. If a coup fails, a civil war may ensue.  Read more

Well, unless I’m wrong, I believe my “higher power – GOD” is trying to tell me something.  I decided that I will take a break for a few weeks, maybe a few months.  I submitted my letter of resignation, already.

The good news is, I already feel better.  Because if the truth be told, it was going to get more and more challenging as the little league baseball season heats up.  Plus, my son is participating on a boys choir.  My daughter is very active in her schools’ drama program and lacrosse is just around the corner.

Josef StalinI certainly have better things to do with my time then to engage in controversy.  I feel like the victim sometimes.

“Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so.” (AA BB pg. 62)

I firmly believe that there may always be people more sober, recovered and healthier than I, but I would challenge no one loves SA more than I.

“How sweet it is to see how sweet it is” was the old slogan at the AA ODAAT meeting in my area.  In other words, when I really examine my life, I have nothing to complain about.  Getting sober in Sexaholics Anonymous and better yet, staying sober for any length of time is one of the biggest joys I can experience.

The other day, an elder statesman from the call informed me about the Bible reference “7 x 70 = 490 times Jesus told Peter he needed to forgive others”.

In this image taken from video North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, center, salutes during a military parade marking the 65th anniversary of the country’s founding, Monday, Sept. 9, 2013, in Pyongyang, North Korea. (AP Photo/KRT via AP Video) TV OUT, NORTH KOREA OUT” width=”300″ height=”150″ />

I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance.

Elder statesmen and bleeding deacons; reading same thing yesterday and someone cut me off.

White Book is outside SAICO.

Hands Services Inc.
ATTN: SA Publications
3947 Landmark St
Culver City, CA 90232

Read more

Phone numbers are not controlled by the group.

SAICO has participated with www.saphonemeeting.org

Am I in my group a healing, mending, integrating person, or am I divisive? What about gossip and taking other members’ inventories?

Am I a peacemaker? Or do I, with pious preludes such as “just for the sake of discussion,” plunge into argument?

Am I gentle with those who rub me the wrong way, or am I abrasive?

Do I make competitive AA remarks, such as comparing one group with

#1 no, no at any meeting; phone meetings tend to get a lot more rowdy;
face-to-face meeting – get sponsor suggested in script, don’t agree, temporary, glen 20 years of sa sobrity

civility, judgement goes out the window

railroad group conscience; make phone calls & email others asking people to attend to vote a certain way

we had several business meetings that i personally did not attend because i believe in the 2nd tradition

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.


A monarchy is a form of government in which sovereignty is actually or nominally embodied in one individual reigning until death or abdication. They are called monarchs. Forms of monarchy differ widely based on the level of legal autonomy the monarch holds in governance, the method of selection of the monarch, and any predetermined limits on the length of their tenure. When the monarch has no or few legal restraints in state and political matters, it is called an absolute monarchy, and is a form of autocracy. Cases in which the monarch’s discretion is formally limited, either by law or by convention, is called a constitutional monarchy. In hereditary monarchies, the office is passed through inheritance within a family group, whereas elective monarchies use some system of voting. Each of these has variations: in some elected monarchies only those of certain pedigrees are eligible, whereas many hereditary monarchies impose requirements regarding the religion, age, gender, mental capacity, and other factors. Occasionally this might create a situation of rival claimants whose legitimacy is subject to effective election. Finally, there have been cases where the term of a monarch’s reign is either fixed in years or continues until certain goals are achieved: an invasion being repulsed, for instance. Thus there are widely divergent structures and traditions defining monarchy. Read more


Dictatorship is a form of government where a country is ruled by one person or political entity, and exercised through various mechanisms to ensure the entity’s power remains strong.

A dictatorship is a type of authoritarianism, in which politicians regulate nearly every aspect of the public and private behavior the citizens. Dictatorships and totalitarianism generally employ political propaganda to decrease the influence of proponents of alternative governing systems, as is the nature of nationalism of any governing system.

In the 19th and 20th centuries, traditional monarchies gradually declined and disappeared. Dictatorship and constitutional democracy emerged as the world’s two major forms of government. Read more


Nemesis—the inescapable agent of someone’s or something’s downfall. synonyms: archrival, adversary, foe, opponent, arch enemy. Read more

Additional Resources

Big Book AA 1939 The Little Red Book Hazelden 1946 Ed Webster Twelve and Twelve AA 1952 Twenty Four Hours a Day Hazelden 1954 Richmond Walker Stools and Bottles Hazelden 1955 Ed Webster; Defects & Meditations Basic Text NA 1982 White Book SA 1984 Answers in the Heart Hazelden 1989 Daily Meditations for Men and Women Recovering from Sex Addiction Daily Reflections AA 1990

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Block Internet Pornography (K9) Europe & Middle-East Region (EMER) Women In SA (WISA)

Headquarters and Central Office: Sexaholics Anonymous Inc. (http://saorg.server278.com – Pilot Site)

The Web sites and contact information listed on this site are for information purposes. We have provided this list to facilitate information about local groups and meetings. Listing of these Web sites and contact information does not constitute or indicate review, endorsement or approval. There may be a local group even if a Web site or contact information are not shown. Please contact SAICO.

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