Category Archives: News

Condemn, attack, lambaste

Do you want to be RIGHT or do you want to be HAPPY?

Today on the Daily Sobriety Renewal, our secretary (AKA trusted servant) admitted he got ‘rattled’ when someone was not on mute while he was reading / sharing and lost his train of thought.

More importantly, the SA 08:30 DSR has become very ‘controlling’ and I feel the need to speak up to protect the 12 Traditions.

Here is what Roy K. has to say in our Basic text…

“MEETINGS ~ HOW THE WORK: As I come into the fellowship, I’m confronted with my disease. First, in my initial contacts with other members; then in meeting after meeting…
By not imposing uniformity. We don’t prescribe doing the Steps by formula or in exactly the same way some other member does them. We do the Steps in our own way and time; we ‘Live and Let Live.’ But working the Steps does work for us…

MEETING GUIDELINES: We can benefit from the unwritten guidelines that have contributed so profoundly to the success of other Twelve Step program meetings and have proven as valuable in our own.

Leaders of meetings are servants of that meeting. They don’t “carry” the meeting; they merely facilitate it. A common mistake of those who have no prior Twelve Step meeting experience is to feel they must comment on everything that is said or “help out” in some way by giving “the answer.” The effective leader surrenders this impulse and lets the meeting work itself.

The leader of the meeting does not have to acknowledge a raised hand; he or she can call on someone else. They can interrupt the one talking, if it is called for. This is in line with our common tradition. At the same time, a good meeting is one where the leader’s presence is inconspicuous and non-controlling.”

(SA WB pg. 185-189)

——————————–

MEMBERSHIP RULES?

Around 1943 or 1944, the Central Office asked the groups to list
their membership rules and send them in. After they arrived we set
them all down. A littlereflection upon these many rules brought us to an astonishing conclusion.

If all of these edicts had been in force everywhere at once it would
have been practically impossible for any alcoholic to have ever
joined A.A. About nine-tenth of our oldest and best members could
never have got by!

At last experience taught us that to make away any alcoholic’s full
chance for sobriety in A.A. was sometimes to pronounce his death
sentence, and often to condemn him to endless misery. Who dared to be judge, jury, and executioner of his own sick brother?

1. GRAPEVINE, AUGUST 1946
2. TWELVE AND TWELVE, P. 141

As Bill Sees It (pg. 41) => http://saphonemeeting.org/images/AsBillSeesIt.pdf

P.S.  Definition of “edict” – a decree issued by a sovereign or other authority. Any authoritative proclamation or command.

———————————

Here are some more references:

* http://saphonemeeting.org/blog/heres-to-the-crazy-ones

* http://saphonemeeting.org/blog/listen-silent

* http://saphonemeeting.org/blog/are-you-disturbed

——————————–

Feel free to share this with others. I personally get very, very upset when moderators & others CRITICIZE and/or INTERUPT others.

We are ALL equal.

Losing face is EXTREMELY disturbing! More importantly, notice the first word in the first step is “WE”.

criticize—indicate the faults of (someone or something) in a disapproving way. Form and express a sophisticated judgment.

synonyms: censure, denounce, condemn, attack, lambaste, scorn, disparage, denigrate, give bad press to, run down.

interrupt—stop or break the continuous progress of (an activity or process).

synonyms: cut in, break in, barge in, intervene, put one’s oar in, put one’s two cents in, interject.

Peace, Love & Service

Marriage

The other day my wife said she believes in Prenuptial Agreements.  Not me.  I think it is a joke.  If you truly love someone does money matter?  How much can you take with you to heaven?

However, I don’t have any money.  So, it’s easier to say that.

On the other hand, I think rich, successful self-made millionaires are wise to consider such an agreement because I also believe “love is blind”.  Moreover, it is very easy to be deceived by a “sugar daddy”.

A prenuptial agreement, antenuptial agreement, or premarital agreement, commonly abbreviated to prenup or prenupt, is a contract entered into prior to marriage, civil union or any other agreement prior to the main agreement by the people intending to marry or contract with each other. The content of a prenuptial agreement can vary widely, but commonly includes provisions for division of property and spousal support in the event of divorce or breakup of marriage. They may also include terms for the forfeiture of assets as a result of divorce on the grounds of adultery; further conditions of guardianship may be included as well.

In some countries, including Belgium and the Netherlands, the prenuptial agreement not only provides for the event of a divorce, but also to protect some property during the marriage, for instance in case of a bankruptcy.

Many countries, including Canada, France, Italy, and Germany, have matrimonial regimes, in addition to, or some cases, in lieu of prenuptial agreements.

Postnuptial agreements are similar to prenuptial agreements, except that they are entered into after a couple is married.

Read more

Adultery

Every day I wake up and try to say this prayer— “God thank you for helping me stay clean, sober and free of lust (as best as possible) all of these days in a row.  Please help me not take a drink, drug or masturbate just for today.

Fortunately, I have been successful in 2 out 3.  I have not found it necessary to take a drink or a drug in over 6,100 days.  God willing, ODAAT November 7 will be my 17 year AA anniversary.

But my prayers don’t stop there.  I continue to ask God for help by saying, “please help me not have a sex with another woman, look at pornography, flirt with another woman, stare at another woman, use the language of lust, watch TV or Movies and fantasize about sexual images in my head for the next 24 hours”.  This is one hour at a time and often one minute at a time.

So what is adultery?  It is voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse.  I got engaged on the top of the Eiffel Tower in January 2002 and married that same year in October on the Chesapeake Bay.  After I lost my virginity on my 18th birthday I had many one-night stands.  In fact, I met my wife in 1992 and was not faithful to her those first 10 years of dating.

When I took my solemn vow of marriage I said, “In the name of God, I  take you, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death.”  I’m proud to say I have never had intercourse with another woman since I put that diamond ring on my wife’s finger.

The SA White Book points out how we acted out whether or not our relationships were committed, meaningful, or whether we just resorted to a little sex with self as a physical outlet.  Ironically enough, I am pretty sure I may have had sex with another married woman while I was single once or twice, but I can’t remember.

So when I examine my life over the past 46 years I know I have sinned.  I certainly am guilty of committing fornication-voluntary sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons or two persons not married to each other.  Thank God for the Twelve Steps because I have made amends for past wrongs.

I was raised Christian and even attended a Catholic high school.  There we learned about Mortal and Venial Sins.  For example, I’ve often wondered if I’m guilty of infidelity which is basically marital disloyalty or breach of trust.  Jimmy Carter said it best, “I’ve looked on a lot of women with lust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times”.

As I’m writing this post, this is day 10 for me without masturbation and pornography.  I can’t say that I watched much TV or Movies either over the past week and a half.  The Sexaholics Anonymous sobriety definition “means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the spouse.  For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind. And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust.”  Thank GOD, I have never committed adultery in my life!


How to Live ODAAT or in my case One Minute at a Time?

It took me several years to learn that the first word in the first step is “We”.  I had a guy used to tell me I had a problem with my “eyes”.  He said, “your “eyes” are too close together.  I thought he meant I needed glasses.  What he was trying to say, “stop talking about myself”.  Instead think about how many times I use the word “I”.

Today we must use all the tools available to us, including phone calls, email and even text messaging.  If you never setup a Twitter account, I encourage you to visit http://www.saphonemeeting.org/twitter.html.  The primary advantage is you do not have to manually add multiple people to a “SMS text message”.  Instead, you send only one message to short code: 40404 and everyone you decide that follows you will get the message automatically on their phone.

We setup this account => http://twitter.com/saphonemeeting several years ago and I know a friend of mine has used it to help him stay sober.  We have 78 people following our Tweets.  I follow Patrick Carnes.  I recommend creating a separate account for social purposes outside of Sexaholics Anonymous for anonymity purposes.

Now if I could only get some sleep and find a job 🙂 Winning the lottery would be nice also, but I’ve never bought a ticket in my life.  I believe the best investment you can make is in yourself.

Happy New Year!

Join Us

2020 could not have been much worse for the average human being. Who could have predicted this tragic Pandemic that has taken the lives of so many and caused millions to stop and think about the value of creation. Now that we have a “COVID-19 Vaccine“, 2021 should hopefully be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Starting with Australia, New Year’s celebrations begin and continue practically every hour as you travel west across the Globe. To convert to your local time zone, click here.

24 Hour Marathon

Beginning tomorrow @ 0800, the SAPhoneMeeting Website Committee is proud to announce a twenty-four hour marathon of Sexaholics Anonymous video/audio conference meetings. All over the World we will be streaming live recovery meetings. Below is the current AGENDA (subject to change):

Start: Thursday, December 31, 2020 @ 0800 (Eastern Time)
End: Friday, January 1, 2021 @ 1600
Topics: 12 Steps, White Book Study, Essay, etc.

Instructions

To Join Zoom Meeting: Click here

Meeting ID: 839-874-7514
Passcode: 123
One tap mobile: 19292056099,,8398747514#,,,,*123#
Find your local number: Click here

Featured Event

Agenda

12/31/2020
0815: Step Into Action Book Study (Live)
1315: Guest Speaker – Gwen (1997 International Convention)
2015: White Book Study (Live)
2215: Featured Speaker – Chris Z. from PA
2415: Guest Speaker – Peter from Whales, United Kingdom

We will continue previously recorded SA & AA Speakers including Roy K, Harvey A and Jesse L throughout the evening.

Friends of 12 Noon Group

Day: Friday, January 1, 2021
Time: 1100, 1200, 1300, 1400
Dial: 712-770-4010
Access code: 965-990

Thank you

We would like to take this opportunity to thank all those who have been very generous with your time and financial support to launch a series of very successful Zoom meetings for the past nine (9) months.

Sanskrit proverb

Look to this day,
For it is life,
The very life of life.
In its brief course lie all
The realities and verities of existence,
The bliss of growth,
The splendor of action,
The glory of power —
For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision,
But today, well lived,
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.

Top 10 places around the world

  1. New York, NY
  2. Edinburgh, Scotland
  3. Sydney, Australia
  4. Lake Tahoe, California
  5. Paris, France
  6. London, England
  7. Vienna, Austria
  8. Miami, Florida
  9. Las Vegas, Nevada
  10. Hawaii

One Day at a Time

THERE are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is YESTERDAY with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. YESTERDAY has passed forever beyond our control.

All the money in the world cannot bring back YESTERDAY. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. YESTERDAY is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is TOMORROW with its possible adversaries, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. TOMORROW is also beyond our immediate control.

TOMORROW’S sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds–but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in TOMORROW for it is as yet unborn.

This leaves only one day–TODAY–. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities–YESTERDAY and TOMORROW that we break down.

It is not the Experience of TODAY that drives people mad–it is remorse or bitterness for something which happened YESTERDAY and the dread of what TOMORROW may bring.

LET US, THEREFORE, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.

New Lease on Life

Everything is temporary.  How we feel.  That natural high disappears, just as quickly as that powerful feeling of despair, temptation, anger, etc.

Life is too short to be ‘right’ instead of happy.

wake_up

Today, I want to recognize all the people that I know that have died in my lifetime.  This is a long list.  This includes famous people as well as people I knew personally.

Let’s start with Michael Hutchence, lead singer from Inxs.  I’m listening to him right now on three separate CDs.  His death was tragic, like most.  On the morning of 11/22/97, Hutchence, aged 37, was found dead due to suicide while depressed and under the influence of alcohol and other drugs.

Some other people I would like to talk about include Robin Williams, Phillip Symour Hoffman, both my Grandmothers, my two cousins, a guy who I temporarily sponsored in AA.

 

Three Legacies

Service, Recovery and Unity.

Read more

I have strong desire to stay sober today and want to do as much service as humanly possible!

Sobriety is my #1 priority.

It’s more important than my 13 year marriage, 8 yr son,  almost 11 yr daughter, and my job/career.

Because if I dont stop the obsessive lust compulsion, I wont have anything.

The point is, I’m just very fragile. I dont need to lobby in front of a bunch of sick people “why I want to volunteer and be a trusted servant”.

Someone hurt my feelings Thursday because I asked about the pin #, criticizing my “dialogue”.

If you need help, and I currently have extra time I want to get involved. I was excited to manage the script on Wed and Friday but if someone else wants to do it I will stay out of the way. I fully recognize the value of service.

——————————————

Here is my recovery history:

* 1990 found Narcotics Anonymous

* 1992 began AA & Alanon

* 1995 began SLAA & SA

* NA/AA sobriety date: 11/7/1996

* 2002 married

* 2013 began SAA

I’ve ALWAYS had job(s) in 12 step recovery since I started my journey and took it seriously (23 years straight). I could never repay what the program(s) have given me.

As far as Sex Addicts Anonymous is concerned, I’m relatively new. I want to take it slow.

My inner circle begins with Adultery (13 years) and I include strip clubs and adult video stores.

I struggle with middle circle behavior: masturbation, pornography, Sports Illustrated swimsuit, Victoria Secret, staring @ women, flirting with women, using the language of lust, watching TV/Movies and fantasy.

The greatest thing I’ll ever become is “human”. I committed fornication from age 18-34. I’m now 47 and still breathing. I’m guity of sin perhaps ever since early childhood. Alot of what I hear at meetings is about developing a “moral compass”.

Amen

 

Annoyed Easily

12 Step Meetings are a great training ground to practice a little “Patience, Love, Respect, Tolerance and Forgiveness”!

“…they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks—drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.” (AA BB Doctors Opinion)

God gives us the ability to show GRACE:
a way of moving that is smooth and attractive and that is not stiff or awkward; a controlled, polite, and pleasant way of behaving; skills that are needed for behaving in a polite way in social situations; unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification; a virtue coming from God

..another day in the park.  Off to work, now.

Misperceptions

misperception_earth

Virtually all scholars maintained false perceptions for over 12 centuries that the “Earth is Flat”.  This was a myth.  In fact, 1 in 4 Americans don’t Know Earth Orbits the Sun (ref). People used to think the Sun rotated around the Earth.  This was not the truth.


With the development of the heliocentric model by Nicolaus Copernicus in the 16th century, the Sun was believed to be the center of the Universe, with the planets (including Earth) and stars orbiting it.

History of the center of the Universe – Click here


I learned about this story from my “spiritual advisor” – a minister at a local AA meeting I attend frequently.  He referred me to Max Lucado who has written many books on similar parallels.

When we come into recovery, often we think the World revolves around us.  I certainly did.  But this is wrong.  I needed to find a power greater than myself and the program let’s me choose my God as long as I’m not it.

What is the truth? Actual state of a matter. Conformity with reality.  A verified or indisputable fact.

Copernican heliocentrism is the name given to the astronomical model developed by Nicolaus Copernicus and published in 1543. It positioned the Sun near the center of the Universe, motionless, with Earth and the other planets rotating around it in circular paths modified by epicycles and at uniform speeds.

In astronomy, the geocentric model (also known as geocentrism), is a description of the cosmos where Earth is at the orbital center of all celestial bodies. This model served as the predominant cosmological system in many ancient civilizations including the noteworthy systems of Aristotle.

So the point is, whether you agree with someone or not, the truth is the truth.  If someone tells you something, or you over hear gossip/rumor, that doesn’t necessarily make it fact.

Meeting Guidelines We can benefit from the unwritten guidelines that have contributed so profoundly to the success of other Twelve Step program meetings and have proven as valuable in our own. 1. Leaders of meetings are servants of that meeting.  They don’t “carry” the meeting; they merely facilitate it.  A common mistake of those who have no prior Twelve Step meeting experience is to feel they must comment on everything that is said or “help out” in some way by giving “the answer.” The effective leader surrenders this impulse and lets the meeting work itself. 2. The leader of the meeting does not have to acknowledge a raised hand; he or she can call on someone else.  They can interrupt the one talking, if it is called for.  This is in line with our common tradition.  At the same time, a good meeting is one where the leader’s presence is inconspicuous and non-controlling. (SA WB pg. 188)

3rd Tradition: The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober.

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee—Thy will (not mine) be done.’’ These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. (AA BB pg. 85)

Anonymity

“By leading with our weakness. There is an attractive healing atmosphere in meetings when someone is transparent, naive, “innocent,” and self-revealing at depth. He or she may even be a newcomer, which is often the case and why we need them to help keep us honest. Vulnerable, and like a child, we take the supreme risk of exposing the truth about ourselves, dark as it may be. We lead with our weakness because that’s where we’re hurting, and this becomes the point of our identification with each other, the point of true union. Once this single ray of light shines in a meeting, it finds ready reception and response in the others present. Honesty is catching; we’re learning to walk in the light.” (SA WB pg. 187)

For the past 20 years I have heard many people discuss their fears about “what if someone found out?”

I believe the addict is the “last one to find out”.  In other words, generally speaking, everyone already knows the addict’s life is unmanageable, or they are out-of-control, or at the very least a bit crazy.  However, perhaps the addict is very good at hiding it.

Having been a master of disguise for over 40 years, I believe you cannot bullshit a bullshiter.  In other words, when I was a child, they used to say, “if you spot it, you got it” and “if you smelt it you dealt it”.  In AA they say, “a real tosspot calling a kettle black”.

“In some sections of A.A., anonymity is carried to the point of real absurdity. Members are on such a poor basis of communication that they don’t even know each other’s last names or where each lives.” – As Bill Sees it, page 241

“…[Dr. Bob] said there were two ways to break the Anonymity Tradition: (1) by giving your name at the public level of press or radio; (2) by being so anonymous that you can’t be reached by other drunks.” – Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers, page 264

Additional references: