Category Archives: News

Patience is a Virtue

Patience—The ability to wait for something without getting angry or upset is a valuable quality in a person; the ability to wait calmly; the capacity to accept delay without getting angry.

Virtue—a quality or trait that most people consider to be morally good or desirable in a person

Quick Quiz:  “Patience is a Virtue” suggests that getting angry when you have to wait is:

  1. a good personal trait
  2. a bad personal trait
  3. a sign of patience

For the record when I first came into SA in 1995 one of the first things that I became resentful at was “TIME LIMITS” on shares.

Generally speaking at 90% or more of AA meetings there is no time limit on a shares.  How do you put a time limit on the “Language of the Heart” by setting restrictions, parameters and stipulations? Time Limits have their ADVANTAGES, don’t get me wrong.  However, it has been my experience it creates controversy, contention and aggravates patience!!!

I would add, once you establish a time limit, then you need a time keeper.  however, that responsibility is much greater than one person.  then the entire meeting and group takes on a DIFFERENT atmosphere.

Thus, in addition to the secretary and/or ONE time keeper, you end up having 3, 4, 5 and perhaps 20 or more time keepers.   Then, the call EXPECTATIONS become more focused on HOW LONG you talk instead of WHAT you talk about.

Quantity vs. Quality

This is a chronic problem with Sexaholics Anonymous because we are almost forced to share our sobriety date during introductions.  Similarly, it’s a CONTEST of “Length of Sobriety” vs. Quality of Sobriety.  Shame because you don’t have enough time or that nobody is willing to listen long enough to get to the truth.  Sad.

What are your thoughts on time limits?

 


 

WOW, in case you are wondering I stated my apologies up front that I will “probably do it wrong, but I will be trying as best as I can”.  Thus, it is absolutely amazing that we join this call to try and support one another but unfortunately, we are all VICTIMS of Sex Addiction.  Thus, we all struggle with a “mental illness” that our literature says we are “self-centered”.

So, even though I volunteered to be your “trusted servant” and it helps me to stay engaged in the meeting and more attentive on the call, I am quickly reminded that the DISEASE or (DIS-EASE) is much stronger than my best intentions.  Specifically, “Dan from Illinois” who took it upon himself to step on my toes and replace me.  For the record, the secretary who shared first went over the 120 second time limit, then the 2nd caller went over, and the 3rd caller went over, etc.

Why is it that nobody has any conception of time?  See, in my opinion it comes down to CONTROL.  We are incapable of controlling our disease of addiction.  The serenity prayer reminds us all, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things we cannot change…”.  Thus, people places and things. “Control freaks, trying to control other control freaks.”  Furthermore, I realize this sounds a little cynical, critical and self-righteous BUT… “Stay in your own lane”!!! Mind your own business.  Live and Let Live.  It’s embarrassing. Rude. ROLE MODEL.  Walk the walk, don’t just Talk the Talk.

 


“Selfishness—self-centeredness!

That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we

have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God’s help.

This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God

(AA BB pg. 62) Click here

 

Altruism

According to Merriam Webster, this is defined to be a belief in or practice of disinterested and selfless concern for the well-being of others; unselfish regard for or devotion to the welfare of others; opposed to egoism; willingness to do things that bring advantages to others, even if it results in disadvantage for yourself.  Here are some examples:

“Some may choose to work with vulnerable elderly people out of altruism”.

“An altruistic firefighter risks his life to save another’s life”.

Ever since I became an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous, drank the Kool-Aid and starting doing Service Work, I have learned by experience that the more you give, the more you receive!  That is a fact.

In fact, I also firmly believe I could NEVER fully refund what AA and SA has given me.  In other words, if I got what I truly deserved, I would be dead.  I was a terrible, awful man who caused a lot of havoc in other people’s lives for over 10 years.

Since I have come into recovery, I sincerely hope that I am much more happy_destinyapart of the solution than part of the problem today.  Some days are obviously better than others and I am not ALWAYS sick (DIS-EASE) for more than 24 hours, 1 full week or 1 full month.  I have a conscience that tells me, “this does not feel right. this is wrong. stop. behave.”

“We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.” Read more

 


Quick to Listen

We all want to be right, especially in the heat of an argument. But instead of settling for being right, what if we tried to make things right?  Click here

 

Three-Way Calling Feature

Wow, I cannot believe that so many people are unaware of the OBVIOUS.  Our SA Phone Meeting directory of phone numbers and access codes are “publicly available” on the Internet.  However, when people join a teleconference, they sometimes forget that anyone could be listening.

“We also use telephone meetings with two or more members, using the three-way calling feature available in many cities.”

That is why the “Virtual Intergroup” fought so hard for over 10 years to convince the SAICO Trustees and members of Sexaholics Anonymous that the “phone meetings” met a need.  Particularly to those that are unable to attend “face-to-face meetings” in their area, those that are disabled and even those traveling and away from their local home group.

Tradition Three states, “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober.”  Yet, there are many people who would rather BAN someone then focus on their own Character Defects.  In fact, many years ago I read a story about a guy, namely Jesus Christ who was crucified for his strange beliefs and behavior (Read more).

Recently, we are in LOCK-DOWN, due to the Coronavirus / COVID-19 Pandemic and many people are frustrated they cannot get to their local meetings.  WOWBoy, those Trustees sure did not see this coming 15 years ago (Read more).

Getting Started

Are you new?  Are you confused?  Do you have Mis-Perceptions?  Click here

Step “Zero”

“There is an unwritten step underlying all twelve. Call it Step Zero: “We participated in the fellowship of the program.” No one seems able to stay sober and progress in recovery without it, though some try. For most of us, without associating in some way with other recovering individuals, there is no lasting sobriety and none of the fringe benefits of recovery, growth, freedom, and joy. This holds true even for “loners” (those without groups). We don’t try to explain this; it is simply a fact.

We begin by meeting regularly with other members. If there is no group where we live, we start one ourselves, even if it is meeting with only one other member. Fellowship is that crucial to our recovery. We can’t do it alone. We pray to be led to another sexaholic who will want to hear our story, then we follow all leads that come to our attention. We contact the SA Central Office for any contacts there may be in our area and ask for materials and know-how. (See part III and Appendix 3.) Many groups have started in just such a manner. Long distances may separate members at first; some travel more than a hundred miles to meet with others.

Commit yourself to your group, whether it is being formed or is operating but still small. Attend every meeting on time. This ensures maximum benefit to you and the group, which cannot have continuity without regular participants. The measure of such commitment will be the measure of your recovery.

Can’t see the forest through the trees.

We also use telephone meetings with two or more members, using the three-way calling feature available in many cities. Some members subscribe to discount long-distance phone service for considerable savings. Speaker phones enable a loner to sit in remotely. We augment this by letter writing and attending other types of Twelve Step meetings, many of which are open to the public. Much benefit can be gained there in learning how to apply the Steps in one’s life and in seeing how meetings are run (Coup d’etat).

We cannot put this strongly enough: Experience has shown us that we must be part of others or we cannot maintain effective surrender, see ourselves rightly, or work the Steps. Without regular participation in the fellowship, there seems to be no recovery”. (Sexaholics Anonymous, White Book, pages 63-64).

Can’t see the forest through the trees.

An expression used of someone who is too involved in the details of a problem to look at the situation as a whole. When a person focuses too much on small detail (trees), and misses the big picture (forest). It would be like someone needing to paint an entire house in one day, but spending half the day on picking out the right color (Read more).

Recently, I joined an SA Phone Meeting and I heard another woman share about Penguins.  Penguins have to keep high body temperatures to remain active. They have thick skin and lots of fat (blubber) under their skin to keep warm in cold weather. They also huddle together with their friends to keep warm. What Penguins Can Teach Us About Team Work (Read more).

 

Zoom Meetings

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENTS

Join Now: Click Here
Meeting ID: 839-874-7514
Meeting Format:Click Here
Phone #: (646) 558-8656
Local Phone Number: Click Here
Read More: Zoom Meetings
Official Schedule: Click Here for ALL of our SA Audio & Video Conference Meetings.

Struggling with the Pandemic? Are you having problems with your regular “Home Group”? Can’t get outside? Quarantined? It’s a great opportunity to connect with members of SA on an entirely different level. ROUTINE is important. By sharing your screen, it feels much more like a normal meeting that you are used to attending in a local church basement. COVID-19: Read more

Unfortunately, due to our society worldwide, the TELECONFERENCE services are getting bogged down with too many callers. Thus, the Free Phone Services that used to be relatively LIMITLESS are now enforcing restrictions that limit the capacity. We are adding new ZOOM meetings daily to keep up with the demand. Download Center: Click Here (select “Zoom Client for Meetings” or “Zoom Mobile Apps” – App Store / Google Play)

Security, Privacy and Anonymity

Click here => Administrator Advanced Features

We’re always striving to deliver you a secure virtual meeting environment. Starting April 5th, we’ve chosen to enable passwords on your meetings and turn on Waiting Rooms by default as additional security enhancements to protect your privacy.

Meeting Passwords Enabled “On”

Going forward, your previously scheduled meetings (including those scheduled via your Personal Meeting ID) will have passwords enabled. If your attendees are joining via a meeting link, there will be no change to their joining experience. For attendees who join meetings by manually entering a Meeting ID, they will need to enter a password to access the meeting.

Virtual Waiting Room Turned on by Default

Going forward, the virtual waiting room feature will be automatically turned on by default. The Waiting Room is just like it sounds: It’s a virtual staging area that prevents people from joining a meeting until the host is ready.

Tell a Friend

Pay it Forward!  Help yourself and more importantly carry your “EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH & HOPE” to the newcomer and/or oldtimer

ODaaT ~ One Day at a Time. 

In some cases, One Hour at a Time! Read More

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Three Franks, Steve and a George

MidLife Crisis

I really feel like I’m going through a very difficult time in my life.  I’m 48 years old and there are so many things I HAVE NOT accomplished.

mid-life-crisisThe good news, I FIRMLY believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, God introduced my wife and I 24 years ago and we have remained somewhat “happily married” for the past 14 years.

More importantly, I have never had an Extramarital Affair and/or committed Adultery.

YET = Your Eligible Too

But I sure have come close!

Midlife crisis is a term first coined by Elliott Jaques referring to a critical phase in a person’s life during the forties to early sixties, based on periods of transition. The period is said to vary among individuals and between men and women. Despite popular perception of this phenomenon, empirical research has failed to show that the midlife crisis is a universal experience, or even a real condition at all.

According to psychologist and writer Oliver Robinson, a life crisis is defined as a period characterized by unstable mental and emotional health, altering the course of life of those affected by it, and affecting them for a year or longer. Life crises usually have similar characteristics for each age group. Those in the early midlife stage are more likely to experience the deaths of loved ones, while declines in physical strength and vitality and impending death or work stoppage are more likely to affect people in late midlife. Effects of crises vary from being beneficial to some and life altering in a negative way for others. About half the people studied found results of their crises to be positive. Read more

Temptation

Text messaging, phone calls, chat rooms…

Remember the story about the “forbidden fruit” in the Bible?

temptationCyberstalking is the use of the Internet or other electronic means to stalk or harass an individual, a group, or an organization. It may include false accusations, defamation, slander and libel. It may also include monitoring, identity theft, threats, vandalism, solicitation for sex, or gathering information that may be used to threaten or harass.

Cyberstalking is often accompanied by realtime or offline stalking. Both are criminal offenses. Both are motivated by a desire to control, intimidate or influence a victim. A stalker may be an online stranger or a person whom the target knows. He may be anonymous and solicit involvement of other people online who do not even know the target.

Cyberstalking is a criminal offense under various state anti-stalking, slander and harassment laws. A conviction can result in a restraining order, probation, or criminal penalties against the assailant, including jail.

Orgasm (from Greek ὀργασμός orgasmos “excitement, swelling”; also sexual climax) is the sudden discharge of accumulated sexual excitement during the sexual response cycle, resulting in rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvic region characterized by sexual pleasure. Experienced by males and females, orgasms are controlled by the involuntary or autonomic nervous system. They are often associated with other involuntary actions, including muscular spasms in multiple areas of the body, a general euphoric sensation and, frequently, body movements and vocalizations. The period after orgasm (known as the refractory period) is often a relaxing experience, attributed to the release of the neurohormones oxytocin and prolactin as well as endorphins (or “endogenous morphine”).

Human orgasms usually result from physical sexual stimulation of the penis in males (typically accompanying ejaculation), and the clitoris in females. Sexual stimulation can be by self-practice (masturbation) or with a sex partner (penetrative sex, non-penetrative sex, or other sexual activity).

The health effects surrounding the human orgasm are diverse. There are many physiological responses during sexual activity, including a relaxed state created by prolactin, as well as changes in the central nervous system such as a temporary decrease in the metabolic activity of large parts of the cerebral cortex while there is no change or increased metabolic activity in the limbic (i.e., “bordering”) areas of the brain. There is also a wide range of sexual dysfunctions, such as anorgasmia. These effects impact cultural views of orgasm, such as the beliefs that orgasm and the frequency/consistency of it are important or irrelevant for satisfaction in a sexual relationship, and theories about the biological and evolutionary functions of orgasm.

Ejaculation is the discharge of semen (usually containing sperm) from the male reproductory tract, normally accompanied by orgasm. It is usually the final stage and natural objective of male sexual stimulation, and an essential component of natural conception. In rare cases, ejaculation occurs because of prostatic disease. Ejaculation may also occur spontaneously during sleep (a nocturnal emission or “wet dream”). Anejaculation is the condition of being unable to ejaculate. Dysejaculation is ejaculation that is painful or uncomfortable.

Extramarital sex occurs when a married person engages in sexual activity with someone other than his or her spouse. From a different perspective, it also applies to a single person having sex with a married person. Engagement in extramarital sex has been associated with individuals who have a higher libido (sex drive) than their partner.

Where extramarital sexual relations breach a sexual norm, it may also be referred to as adultery (sexual acts between a married person and a person other than the spouse), fornication (sexual acts between unmarried people), philandery, or infidelity. These terms may also carry moral or religious consequences in civil or religious law.

The Petraeus scandal is a series of events that garnered strong media attention when an extramarital affair between retired four-star general David Petraeus, then Director of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), and Paula Broadwell became public information. Petraeus had chosen Broadwell to be his official biographer. She co-authored All In: The Education of General David Petraeus, his biography, when Petraeus was the International Security Assistance Force commander. On November 9, 2012, she was reported to have been involved in the extramarital affair with Petraeus that triggered his resignation as Director of the Central Intelligence Agency when it was discovered by the FBI.

Read more:

Sessions by the Sea

2015 AA Convention in Ocean City, MD

I would like to tell you a story about how I spent this past week. I met 3 different guys name Frank, another man name Steve and lastly an usual fella name George.

It reminds me of the movie, “The Jerk” describing what I need (Watch video).  It also reminds me of a joke I heard many years ago in Alcoholics Anonymous about how God grants miracles. A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says “get in, get in!” The religious man replies, ” no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle.”

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause “God will grant him a miracle.”

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down.” St. Peter chuckles and responds, “I don’t know what you’re complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter.” (here is a similar story and another about when God sends helicopter).


The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Living ONE DAY AT A TIME; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the Pathway to peace.  Taking, as He did, this Sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make All things right if I Surrender to His Will;  That I may be reasonably happy In this life, and supremely Happy with Him forever in The next. Amen

(WB pg. 210 | Reinhold Neibuhr-1926)


The Bible

“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28)

Jimmy Carter’s ‘Lust in the Heart’: Feeding Frenzy Carter admitted in an unsolicited comment to two Playboy freelance writers that he had “looked on a lot of women with lust” and had “committed adultery in my heart many times,” strange revelations all the more damaging because they appeared in a soft-porn magazine. (Playboy Interview – 1976)  Read more


White Book

“Then he asks me if I believe in a power greater than myself, whether I call that power God, Allah, Confucius, Prime Cause, Divine Mind, or any other name…I am on a train, headed for a city. I have left my wife at home, sick, and I have been unkind to her in leaving. I am very unhappy…A great fear seizes me…Things are not going so well at home. I am learning that I cannot have my own way as I used to. I blame my wife and children. Anger possesses me, anger such as I have never felt before.” (AA BB pg. 214-216)


Acknowledgements
Special thanks to the following people who are the real angels this past week: Ericka, Adrian, Bernie, Sheila and Stephen.

“We can do together what I cannot do alone.”

Here’s to the Crazy Ones

“We are not bad people, we are sick people trying to get well.  Maybe crazy but not evil!”

Can you identify all the famous celebrities in video above? I’m sure most people recognize Steve Jobs and Albert Einstein.  Click here

Steven Paul Jobs was an American business magnate, industrial designer, investor, and media proprietor. He was the chairman, chief executive officer (CEO), and co-founder of Apple Inc., the chairman and majority shareholder of Pixar, a member of The Walt Disney Company’s board of directors following its acquisition of Pixar, and the founder, chairman, and CEO of NeXT. Jobs is widely recognized as a pioneer of the personal computer revolution of the 1970s and 1980s, along with Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak.

Jobs was born in San Francisco, California, and put up for adoption. He was raised in the San Francisco Bay Area. He attended Reed College in 1972 before dropping out that same year, and traveled through India in 1974 seeking enlightenment and studying Zen Buddhism. His declassified FBI report states that he used marijuana and LSD while he was in college, and once told a reporter that taking LSD was “one of the two or three most important things” he had done in his life. Read more

Notice in the following two photos of Jobs and Amelia Earhart, both in their prime.  Then there is Ghandi, Einstein, etc.

 

 

plato_quote


votingCounting Votes; Voting Results

Majority:

Does Robert mean … the Majority of the entire membership? … the Majority of the members present? … the Majority of the Votes Cast? How should you count the blank votes, the illegal votes, the abstentions

Read more:

http://sa.org/docs/servman2014.pdf

http://www.roberts-rules.com/parl17.htm

http://www.rulesonline.com/rror-08.htm

http://ctb.ku.edu/en/table-of-contents/leadership/group-facilitation/main

http://www.omafra.gov.on.ca/english/rural/facts/05-035.htm#approaches

https://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Meeting_Basics/The_Meeting

 

Life in the fast lane

“He was a hard-headed man he was brutally handsome
And she was terminally pretty
She held him up and he held her for ransom
In the heart of the cold, cold city
He had a nasty reputation as a cruel dude
They said he was ruthless said he was crude
They had one thing in common: they were good in bed
She’d say, “Faster, faster “The lights are turning red”
Life in the fast lane
Surely make you lose your mind
Life in the fast lane, yeah
Eager for action and hot for the game
The coming attraction, the drop of a name
They knew all the right people
They took all the right pills
They threw outrageous parties
They paid heavenly bills
There were lines on the mirror”

~Lyrics from Eagles singer Joe Walsh

Read more 

Watch YouTube or Watch DailyMotion


In SA we “Lead with my weakness”

My biggest weaknesses are as follows:

  • searching for job, enormous anxiety & pressure, 5th step every day, every hour
  • self esteem, confidence, insecurity – criticism, insult, confidence, courage, serenity prayer
  • resentments – pray for others, freedom from bondage
  • wife – unsolicited advice, mother, friends – get a new network; women, lust, refuse all hits as toxic – fantasy, relief

Condemnation – the act of condemning.

strong censure; disapprobation; reproof.

condemn – to express an unfavorable or adverse judgment on; indicate strong disapproval of; censure. to pronounce to be guilty; sentence to punishment: to condemn a murderer to life imprisonment. to give grounds or reason for convicting or censuring: His acts condemn him. to judge or pronounce to be unfit for use or service: to condemn an old building.

No one should be admonished from the 12 step meetings

admonish – to caution, advise, or counsel against something. to reprove or scold, especially in a mild and good-willed manner: The teacher admonished him about excessive noise. to urge to a duty; remind: to admonish them about their obligations.

Meetings – How They Work

“As I come into the fellowship, I’m confronted with my disease.  First, in my initial contacts with other members; then in meeting after meeting.  But there are parts of the disease still hidden in that deep hole inside me, sides of me I never want you to see, and eventually they start festering.  So, one by one, I’m forced to get rid of them.  The problem is, how do I keep my disease from always running into a dark corner?”
That’s how one member put it in trying to describe something of what happens in meetings.  The problem is our blind sides; we all have them.  So, the question for us is, How do we work our personal programs and conduct our meetings and fellowship so as to “walk in the light”? Here’s what has been working for us:
1.  By getting sober and staying sober and holding to the concept of sexual sobriety in our SA meetings.  Without sobriety we have nothing to offer anyone.  SA offers sexual sobriety, progressive victory over lust, and recovery.  When this is our aim, meetings can become a sanctuary of serenity and light.
2.  By not imposing uniformity.  We don’t prescribe doing the Steps by formula or in exactly the same way some other member does them.  We do the Steps in our own way and time; we “Live and Let Live.” But working the Steps does work for us.
3.  By telling the side of our stories we really don’t want to tell.  This is different than a mere “sexalog,” relating our sexual experiences.  It is rigorous self-searching and self-revealing honesty about every aspect of our lives.  We arc fitting the pieces of our lives together differently every time we tell our stories or share.
4.  By telling exactly where we are today(where we’re failing today, as well as where we’re succeeding.  “I’m as sick as my secrets,” the saying goes.  So we reveal our secrets; we bring the inside out.  Self-honesty, in humility, yet so powerful.  We lead with our weaknesses.
5.  By continually working the principles of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions in our lives first, and in our fellowship.
6.  By helping others through identification.  When we want to communicate to another member, we speak in terms of “I,” not “we” or “you.” We don’t tell them what’s wrong with them or give advice; we relate what happened to us.  When we thus identify with another, it may not only help that person, but often reveals something about ourselves we’ve missed before.  We don’t tell; we share.
“I can tell you what’s wrong with you without identifying, but this keeps me from looking at myself and can be destructive to you.  But when I bring it up by identifying through my own experience, it means I’m bringing myself out into the light.”
7.  By taking responsibility for our own recovery.  There’s a difference between taking responsibility for our recovery and being in charge of it.  When we take responsibility, we’ve stopped saying “Fix me” and are willing to take the actions necessary to get well.  We’re
willing to take direction and work the Steps.  This same attitude is what leads us to tie in to another sober member as helper or sponsor(one who can help us learn how to work the Steps in our daily lives.  When we remain “in charge,” however, we’re shutting ourselves off from the light and help of other recovering members.
8.  By leading with our weakness.  There is an attractive healing atmosphere in meetings when someone is transparent, naive, “innocent,” and self-revealing at depth.  He or she may even be a newcomer, which is often the case and why we need them to help keep us honest.  Vulnerable, and like a child, we take the supreme risk of exposing the truth about ourselves, dark as it may be.  We lead with our weakness because that’s where we’re hurting, and this becomes the point of our identification with each other, the point of true union.  Once this single ray of light shines in a meeting, it finds ready reception and response in the others present.  Honesty is catching; we’re learning to walk in the light.
9.  By commitment to the group.  SA members commit themselves to SA meetings.  We attend every meeting we can.  On time.  Meetings, on time.  Why this emphasis?
When the meeting is handled in a haphazard manner, there’s a feeling of What’s the use? There’s the feeling of being let down, that the secretary, leader, or other members don’t care and are not really a part of.  And if there’s no feeling of mutual caring, then / can’t be a part of.  How can I become a part of something that’s always shifting around? A feeling of separation and isolation comes into play(deadly for us.
Meetings starting on time and a general orderliness are one of the legacies we’ve gotten from the best of other Twelve Step programs.  Instead of “doing our own thing,” which characterizes our self-obsession, we commit ourselves to every meeting and to being on time.  No matter what(spouses, jobs, money(we put the group first because we put our own sobriety first.
Commitment to sobriety is commitment to the fellowship of sobriety.

 

Meeting Guidelines

We can benefit from the unwritten guidelines that have contributed so profoundly to the success of other Twelve Step program meetings and have proven as valuable in our own.
1.  Leaders of meetings are servants of that meeting.  They don’t “carry” the meeting; they merely facilitate it.  A common mistake of those who have no prior Twelve Step meeting experience is to feel they must comment on everything that is said or “help out” in some way by giving “the answer.” The effective leader surrenders this impulse and lets the meeting work itself.
2.  The leader of the meeting does not have to acknowledge a raised hand; he or she can call on someone else.  They can interrupt the one talking, if it is called for.  This is in line with our common tradition.  At the same time, a good meeting is one where the leader’s presence is inconspicuous and non-controlling.
3.  Most groups stick with a certain basic set of readings that are read at every meeting, adding to this to suit the particular meeting.  A list of suggested readings from which to draw is included in the Suggested Meeting Format.  We use authorized SA and AA literature only, both for use during meetings and for distribution on the literature table.
4.  Participation guidelines:
– There is no cross talk.  We don’t interrupt others.  However, the leader has the right to remind the person sharing of guidelines, time consumed, etc.
– We don’t give advice.  We talk in the “I,” not the “we” or the “you,” speaking from our own experience.  If we want to respond to what someone has said, we do so only in terms of our own experience.  “I can only speak for myself, but whenever I did such and such, this is what happened in my life .  .  .”
– We don’t get carried away analyzing what caused our behavior or attitudes.  If we were victimized
in early life, we slowly learn to face and work through it in acknowledgment, acceptance, and forgiveness.  We talk as those who are now responsible for our attitudes and actions and are willing to take responsibility for our lives and recovery.
– In sharing, rather than displaying our knowledge or insights, we lead with our weakness and give of ourselves.
– We avoid politics, religious dogma, and other divisive issues.  We also avoid explicit sexual descriptions and sexually abusive language.
– We avoid dumping, self-pity, and blaming others.
– We don’t take the “inventories” of others; that is, we uncover and work on our own defects, not those of others.  We refer to our own experiences.
– We do speak honestly of where we really are today.  We try to develop transparent honesty of complete self-disclosure, letting the other members know where we are currently, regardless of length of sobriety.
– We do lead with our weakness and take the risk of total self-disclosure.
– By attending on time and sharing regularly, we give of ourselves to others in the group.  We get back recovery.
(See the material under the heading “I Am a Sexaholic” under Step One, in this book, and read the article “Meeting Quality and Use of Non-SA Literature,” in Discovering the Principles.)
The Sobriety Definition
Tradition Three states that “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober.” Given this requirement, one might think that sexual sobriety would be a relative matter that we define for ourselves.  On the surface, this might appear to be an attractive and democratic idea.  We think not.
Our rationalizations are ingenious.  We tried masturbation only, or having “meaningful relationships” only, or having affairs where we “truly cared” for the other person.  Or, we resorted only to one-nighters, prostitutes, or anonymous sex “so nobody got hurt.” Over the long haul, these forms of experimentation did not work for us.  There was no real recovery.  Sobriety works for us.
How can we consider ourselves sober if we are still resorting to whatever or whomever we are using addictively? With most of us coming in, there was never any doubt what we had to stop doing.  We knew.  However, if we come into an SA group where we can define our own sobriety, watch those rationalizations come alive! And if we define our own level of sobriety, that’s all we’re likely to reach.
In defining sobriety, we do not speak for those outside Sexaholics Anonymous.  We can only speak for ourselves.  Thus, for the married sexaholic, sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the
192
spouse.  For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind.  And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust.*
Of course, we recognize that one can be sexually “dry” but not sober from lust or dependency.  The “dry drunk” syndrome, discovered in AA, applies to us as well, single or married.  But we try to avoid passing judgment on the quality of another’s inner sobriety.  That must come from the individual.  And if such persons keep coming back, the fact of whether or not they are living free from the power of sexual lust, fantasy, or dependency, not to mention switching addictions, usually becomes apparent.  This aspect of recovery seems to be progressive.  Thus, our SA expression: “True sobriety includes progressive victory over lust.” But progress we must or recovery eludes us! The real problem for all of us(single, married, man, woman, from whatever lifestyle(is one and the same: the spiritual misconnection.
We have found that more important than the mere length of our calendar sobriety is its quality and our own personal integrity.  Physical sobriety is not an end in itself but a means toward an end – victory over the obsession and progress in recovery.  We are often the only ones who know on the inside of our souls whether we are truly in sobriety and recovery.  (It is also possible we can be fooling ourselves.) Better to acknowledge where we really are than hide behind the badge of our sobriety date, cheat ourselves, and threaten our union with one another.
The fact that marrieds can have sex with their spouse and call themselves “sober” is no advantage at all.  It can even work against recovery.  Some marrieds confess that even though they aren’t “acting out” any more, victory over lust still eludes them.  As a matter of fact, it often seems harder for marrieds to get victory over lust and dependency unless they go through the experience of total sexual abstinence.  And more often than we might suppose, marrieds
(* In SA’s sobriety definition, the term “spouse” refers to one’s partner in a marriage between a man and a woman.)
can be heard complaining that singles have it easier! Let’s face it: sexaholics(recovering or not, single or married( can expect to have problems with sex! Not to mention the host of other problems entailed in trying to live with and relate to others.
What we strive toward is not only the negative sobriety of not acting out our sexaholism, but progressive victory over the obsession in the looking and thinking.  We also strive toward the positive sobriety of acting out true union of persons.  The great blessing (or curse, as the case may be) of our condition is that unless and until we can give unconditionally and relate with others, the vacuum left inside us from withdrawal will never be filled.  All along, we had thought we could make the Connection by taking; we see now that we get it by giving.  Our whole concept of sex begins to change.  Sex finds a simple and natural place it could never have before and becomes merely one of the things that flows from true union in committed marriage.  And even here, we’ve discovered that sex is optional.
Unity in fellowship and good spiritual quality in meetings are supported by this definition.  Without defining sexual sobriety, we would make it possible for those who are still practicing lust in some fashion to lead meetings and hold policy-making positions affecting not only the group but SA as a whole.  This could also compromise the spiritual atmosphere so that the power of God’s presence would not be active in the meetings and fellowship.  While groups may stay together without a commitment to sobriety – just as individuals may temporarily feel better without it(we have found that there is no true spiritual unity in groups without a shared commitment to sobriety and progress in recovery.  “Personal recovery depends on SA unity” (Tradition One).  Sobriety and victory over lust are the bases for our unity and common welfare, which must come first.  Our sobriety is the sine qua non, the necessary basis of our recovery and fellowship.  Without experiencing it, we have nothing.
For us, sobriety works.
We “Live and Let Live,” but we do not call one another sober unless we are practicing sobriety.

History

Chronological History of SAPhoneMeeting: Website Project

What was the catalyst that lit the fire?

The following email was sent out on Monday, March 30, 2009 @ 2:30 PM to the entire SA Fellowship

“Does anyone think it would be helpful to have a website exclusively dedicated to the SA Teleconference meetings?  If you Google “SA Phone Meetings”, there are currently 3,490,000 hits all leading to any of the following sites:

Australia New York, NY
Denver, CO Portland, OR
Fresno, CA San Diego, CA
MDDCNoVA United Kingdom & Ireland

to name a few…

I have witnessed firsthand tremendous growth in the teleconference attendance over the past 5+ years and I think we need to look out 2014 and beyond.

As we grow it might get a little confusing having multiple listings across the web, especially since this is the third time we’ve changed our phone number.

Also, I think there is a slight conflict with the 4th tradition – “Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or Sexaholics Anonymous as a whole”.  We need something that is a little more global and does not interfere with other Intergroups and online discussion boards (e.g. http://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/SAonline/info).

Here are a few things that might be helpful to publish:
•Obviously the phone number and pin
•Time zone printer friendly schedule
•Secretary meeting format scripts
•Log of meeting
•Other suggestions like phone etiquette, mute, Skype, etc.

If so, I have been rolling the idea around in my head and was thinking of setting something up FREE, maybe even our very own domain.  Any thoughts or opinions are welcome?  Otherwise, I look forward to talking to you on the phone.


From: DenverSA Webmaster
Sent: Monday, March 30, 2009, 9:24 PM
To: SA Member

Sounds like a great idea to me. And I highly recommend a dedicated domain. But you’ll need a commitment from the groups to pay for all this.

I’m currently working on the time zone stuff, but I’m not getting any responses to my questions about which meetings are based in which time zones. Your help on this would be appreciated.

I believe we can make it so that requests for the denversa.org phone meeting flyer redirect to the new website.


From: DenverSA Webmaster
Sent: Thursday, April 16, 2009 1:06 PM
To: SA Member

A few comments on the website…scrolling comments.  The page takes up too much space to fit on my screen.

Keep up the good work.


From: DenverSA Webmaster
Sent: Friday, April 17, 2009 7:24 AM
To: SA Member

As far as width goes, I recommend not having it be more than about 800 pixels. It’s okay for it to expand past that width if the user has more screen space, but it should fit nicely into an 800-pixel display.


Timeline and other Historical Milestones

On April 12, 2009 the founder of the 6:30 a.m. DSR shared a copy of the script and the next day this website was born.
Read more

On December 8, 2011, the founder of Europe and Middle East Region (EMER) website approved this website and posted a hyperlink accordingly.

Recently, on November 14, 2015 the Baltimore Area Intergroup (BAIG) approved and voted unanimously to support this website.
Read more

New Project…Coming Soon

New Beginnings

[metaslider id=2503]

The way we see SAPhoneMeeting.org…

Saphonemeeting.org was designed by SA members to serve the needs of the members who are unable to attend face to face meetings. Our contention is that the site has evolved to be a much better resource than the flyer that is currently on the SA.org website. We formed our committee to call attention to the potential of the site and to suggest a forward direction.

The following Website Advisory Committee (WAC) members agree with the aforementioned statement, research and findings. Bill R., Rob S., Steve G., Kelvin P., Len & Brooks S.

Background. SAphonemeeting.org launched in 2009 to meet the immediate needs of some of the phone meetings. It published the available meetings times, phone numbers, access codes, scripts and group rosters. Based on the positive feedback and requests from members, the designer spent hundreds of hours to create a framework where the entire community can make electronic donations to sa, share blogs, news, and links to additional resources. As we shall show, this website compares favorably to the SA phone flyer in terms of useful functionality, presentation, and almost any other reasonable measure.

Personalities before principles. In the last few years, the designer of Saphonemeeting.org turned to SA to ask for help and support to keep the website strong. He has consistently sought out members to serve as committee to provide guidance and oversight to the site. The SA office referred the matter to the Virtual Intergroup (VIG) that had formed to represent the growing number of phone meetings. Personality differences arose when discussing the transfer of the site to SA. VIG members questioned the advisability of having a dynamic site when so many members have not found the Internet to be a safe place. Other issues concerned matters about how to handle anonymity, conference approved material, individual opinion, and financial accountability. VIG members even went so far as to question the motivations and financial propriety of the site. All these matters were worthy of discussion, but for whatever reason, strong personal feelings surfaced and the VIG and saphonemeeting.org divided into two acrimonious camps.

Our committee has formed to provide a series of recommendations to overcome a toxic situation that has developed. It is time that SA welcomed the contribution of this website and provided the support that is required. We do not want to abandon this vital web site that has become important to the recovery of many members of the community.

Promotion not attraction. The advantages of Saphonemeeting.org over the flyer, the saphonemeeting.org designer sought support at the group level. Some members heard this as promotion not attracting and their pushback proved disruptive and contentious. Strong feelings became open disputes. Addicts behaved like addicts. And the VIG initiated an effort to classify SAphonemeeting.org as an “outside” organization, asking other Intergroups to delist the site and remove links to it. They even went so far as to advocate that SA return any donations made to it from SAphonemeeting.org.

From inside to outside. Our contention is that the SAphonemeeting.org has never been an “outside” organization. It was formed in good faith to serve the members and has faithfully done so ever since. See Saphonemeeting.org to read more about traffic to the site, survey results of frequent users, and various testimonials from members of the years talking about the pivotal role the site has played in many, many recoveries. All this evidence should be sufficient to dispel the divisive notion that Saphonemeeting.org is an “outside” organization despite the strong feelings of the VIG committee.

Our leaders serve, they do not govern. Further, it’s clear to us that the VIG overstepped its authority in attempting to expel SAphonemeeting.org and to censure its designer.

7th tradition. It is clear to us that we as a fellowship have not yet evolved a reasonable method of collecting 7th tradition donations from the members who depend on digital and phone meetings. This need was addressed with a simple PayPal tool that has collected more than $1300 to cover expense since its inception. Surpluses have been forwarded to SAICO. In the graph below we show an accounting of the funds that have been received, paid the small expenses, and forwarded to SAICO.

We feel that a further step to create an infrastructure where individual meetings, whether phone or chat or forum or skype, can accept 7th tradition micropayments, maintain their own electronic treasuries, and spend their funds as determined by their group conscience. This is the formula that has fueled 12step programs forever. We need to provide the technology to perpetuate.

Such an effort may help pay for expenses to expand and improve the site and to help in SAICO’s work to carry the message.  Read more

For example, suppose there are 4000 phone and skype meetings a month, which seems reasonable considering there are dozens of daily meetings. If an average of 8-10 contributed $1 a meeting, 7th tradition funds would approach $40,000 a month, or almost $500,000 over the year.

Where do we go from here?

Amends. It’s clear to us that a cycle of amends is necessary on the part of all players. It is also important to bring a level of sobriety and civility into the matter. We’d suggest a moratorium on VIG’s efforts to censure saphonemeeting.org and to set direction of cooperation, not competition.

Guidance from Other 12 step fellowships.   Beyond that, there is a growing need to support members who employ technology in their recovery. This a broader issue than managing the list of phone meetings and instructions on how to use a phone system. Our committee looked to the other 12 step fellowships as a guide. It’s clear that SA is very far behind.  Having a strong digital presence is especially important today because of special stigma attached to our addiction.   In contrast to AA, SA, GA, Al-anon, etc., there are very few meetings in mid-sized and small towns around the world. Our phone and digital meetings are therefore key to our world-wide mission. Please examine Exhibit 5 which surveys the current features provided by the others.

The Rush of Technology.  Whether we like it or not, technology is fast becoming the dominant enabler of human interaction, particularly among our young members. Younger members want to connect with each other with text and social media. Phone, email, even web sites are no longer in vogue. In their place are a wide range of tools which young members use to learn, connect, and become inspired. Unfortunately, there is widespread abuse of this technology which is fueling sexual addiction like never before. The static phone meeting flyer, as well as the entire SA.org site, does not speak to the needs of. most people who are struggling with sex addiction.   Worse, soon our fellowship will be facing the challenges of virtual reality-based meetings, life cameras, eye glasses that project digital images, wearable computers, etc. In every case, people are using technology to connect with each other and with a message. The foundation laid today must be adaptable to what is coming without sacrificing our traditions and concepts. Our primary purpose is to carry the message.

Coordination with SAICO’s effort to revitalize worldwide web sites. The recent meeting of the delegates and trustees initiated a committee to look at upgrading SA’s website. We suggest that the committee considers these recommendations works with those of us that would like to see saphonemeeting.org incorporated into the new sites.

The Traditions and Concepts suggest a path to governance. The Traditions and Concepts provide the guidelines that should guide the fellowship to a policies that foster working together for the common good, adaptability, and promote innovation while not compromising our guiding principles. Please look at Exhibit 2 for our thoughts on how the traditions might guide us to meet the technology challenges ahead as well as maneuver out of the difficult personality problems that have arisen between the VIG and SAphonemeeting.org.

EXHIBIT 1. FEATURE COMPARISON OTHER 12 STEP NON FACE TO FACE MEETINGS

wac-exhibit1

 

EXHIBIT 2. KEY QUESTIONS TO BE ANSWERED FROM THE 12 TRADITIONS

  1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon SA unity.

We all trying to survive in a perilous sea depending on each other despite a wide divergence of opinion, backgrounds, and beliefs. Aren’t we chasing a common goal — serving the member who depends on phone meetings? When we have disagreements what is the best way to resolve them?

  1. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern..

What exactly is the fine line one crosses when one begins to “govern”? Bill W provides some instructions on this in the 12 and 12: “…no board of dirctions ..can cast an erring member into outer darkness, when indeed no AA can give another a direction and enforce obedience….” pp 132

  1. The only requirement for SA membership is a desire to stop drinking.

How can we embrace the service work of members who desire to stop lusting but struggle with sobriety.?

  1. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or SA as a whole.

Does the Intergroup or Region have authority over individual groups? Having a portal for each individual group would, we think, vastly increase the strength and service structure at the group level.

  1. Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers.

In this dynamic digital world where many young members have fully embraced streaming, social media, how should the message be communicated and delivered ?.

  1. An SA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the SA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

How can a web site serving the needs of phone members, become an “outside” organization?

  1. Every SA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

What financial support do the phone meetings require? What is the best and most economical way for phone meeting members to participate in the 7th tradition?

  1. Sexaholics Anonymous should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

What are the administrative responsibilities required for the technology that is needed to service virtual meetings?

  1. SA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

How should the digital assets committee working on the overall SA technology be working with the current web sites?

  1. Sexaholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the SA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

When members want to communicate digitally through blogs, chat rooms, and social media, under what conditions should the content be restricted or moderated? By whom? and under what guidelines?

  1. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always to maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films.

In a digital world what is the best way to announce the existence of a useful website and its new features and capabilities. Secondly, what guidelines should we follow in collecting and distributing personal content information? .

  1. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

When a member violates this tradition in face to face meetings, one can raise a hand or exercise some body language? What is the digital equivalent?

Additional Resources

Governance Model (version 4)

About Us

History

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

http://saphonemeeting.org/blog/website-committee/

http://saphonemeeting.org/blog/virtual-intergroup

http://saphonemeeting.org/joomla

 

Hootchy-Kootchy

My present job as an Uber driver puts me face-to-face with temptation on a daily basis. Unfortunately, there are a lot of parties and festivals this weekend in Baltimore (e.g. http://baltimorecomiccon.com, Power Plant Live, Pier V pavillion and Druid Hill park).

Below are a few terms and definitions according to Webster dictionary that were surfaced from some of the wild “taxi rides”.

Slut—promiscuous woman; prostitute; a saucy girl; minx; slutty clothes; bimbo; hoochie; Jezebel; floozy, tramp, wench, whore

Minx—a sexually attractive and playful woman who often causes trouble; a pert girl; a wanton woman; a clever little minx; a blond actress who was usually typecast as the minx in melodramas

Hoochie—a sexually promiscuous young woman; took up with some hoochie he had met at a biker bar; hootchy-kootchy exotic dance

Jezebel—the Phoenician wife of Ahab who according to the account in I and II Kings pressed the cult of Baal on the Israelite kingdom but was finally killed in accordance with Elijah’s prophecy; shameless, or morally unrestrained woman; as far as the family matriarch was concerned, her son’s fiancée was a gold digger and a Jezebel


Grope—feel or fondle (someone) for sexual pleasure, especially against their will. “he was accused of groping office girls”; fondle, touch