In the third edition of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book (since 1976), Paul O. writes the following:

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God.

For years I was sure the worst thing that could happen to a nice guy like me would be that I would turn out to be an alcoholic. Today I find it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. This proves I don’t know what’s good for me. And if I don’t know what’s good for me, then I don’t know what’s good or bad for you or for anyone. So I’m better off if I don’t give advice, don’t figure I know what’s best, and just accept life on life’s terms, as it is today – especially my own life, as it actually is. Before A.A. I judged myself by my intentions, while the world was judging me by my actions.

Acceptance has been the answer to my marital problems. It’s as though A.A. had given me a new pair of glasses. Max and I have been married now for thirty-five years. Prior to our marriage, when she was a shy, scrawny adolescent, I was able to see things in her that others couldn’t necessarily see – things like beauty, charm, gaiety, a gift for being easy to talk to, a sense of humor, and many other fine qualities. It was as if I had, rather than a Midas touch which turned everything to gold, a magnifying mind that magnified whatever it focused on. Over the years as I thought about Max , her good qualities grew and grew, and we married, and all these qualities became more and more apparent to me, and we were happier and happier.

But then as I drank more and more, the alcohol seemed to affect my vision: Instead of continuing to see what was good about my wife, I began to see her defects. And the more I focused my mind on her defects, the more they grew and multiplied. Every defect I pointed out to her became greater and greater. Each time I told her she was a nothing, she receded a little more into nowhere. The more I drank, the more she wilted.

Then, one day in A.A., I was told that I had the lenses in my glasses backwards; “the courage to change” in the Serenity Prayer meant not that I should change my marriage, but rather that I should change myself and learn to accept my spouse as she was. A.A. has given me a new pair of glasses. I can again focus on my wife’s good qualities and watch them grow and grow and grow.

I can do the same thing with an A.A. meeting. The more I focus my mind on its defects -late start, long drunkalogs, cigarette smoke – the worse the meeting becomes. But when I try to see what I can add to the meeting, rather than what I can get out of it, and when I focus my mind on what’s good about it, rather than what’s wrong with it, the meeting keeps getting better and better. When I focus on what’s good today, I have a good day, and when I focus on what’s bad, I have a bad day. If I focus on a problem, the problem increases; if I focus on the answer, the answer increases.

Today Max and I try to communicate what we feel rather than what we think. We used to argue about our differing ideas, but we can’t argue about our feelings. I can tell her she ought not to think a certain way, but I certainly can’t take away her right to feel however she does feel. When we deal in feelings, we tend to come to know ourselves and each other much better.

(This famous personal story formerly page 449 in the Big Book moved to PART II – They Stopped in Time, now appearing on page 417. Read more)

The Obama Administration is committed to restoring balance to U.S. drug-control efforts… As part of national efforts to raise public awareness about recovery and maintain dialogue with diverse recovery community stakeholders, ONDCP Director Gil Kerlikowske visited the General Service Office of Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) in New York City. Read more

Prior to meeting with the A.A.W.S. Board, Director Kerlikowske toured the A.A. Archives, which feature letters from U.S. presidents recognizing Alcoholics Anonymous for helping countless Americans regain health and happiness through its program of recovery from alcoholism. The archive also features the Lasker Award, presented to A.A. in 1951 by the American Public Health Association “in recognition of its unique and highly-successful approach to … alcoholism;” and a copy of the Hughes Act, the 1970 Congressional Bill that recognized alcoholism as “an illness or disease that requires treatment.” The bill also provided for the establishment of the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism and was followed by legislation leading to the creation of the National Institute on Drug Abuse.

“Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”

“We might next ask ourselves what we mean when we say that we have “harmed” other people. What kinds of “harm” do people do one another, anyway? To define the word “harm” in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emo­tional, or spiritual damage to people. If our tempers are consistently bad, we arouse anger in others. If we lie or cheat, we deprive others not only of their worldly goods, but of their emotional security and peace of mind. We really issue them an invitation to become contemptuous and vengeful. If our sex conduct is selfish, we may excite jealousy, misery, and a strong desire to retaliate in kind.”  (AA 12&12 pg. 80)

Today, I attended an AA meeting and came to the awareness that I frequently offend people unintentionally.

BTW, I found a couple sites you may enjoy including FREE mp3 downloads of the 12&12 audio, as well as editable versions of the book you can copy and print:

• http://silkworth.net/audio12x12/audio12x12.html
• http://quietmindrecovery.org/quietmind/AA
• http://12and12.net

Meeting Guidelines

Fortunately, Roy K. wrote down many of the Meeting Guidelines in the SA White Book page 188.  For example, “We can benefit from the unwritten guidelines that have contributed so profoundly to the success of other Twelve Step program meetings and have proven as valuable in our own.

1. “Leaders of meetings are servants of that meeting. They don’t “carry” the meeting; they merely facilitate it. A common mistake of   those who have no prior Twelve Step meeting experience is to feel they must comment on everything that is said or “help out” in some way by giving “the answer.” The effective leader surrenders this impulse   and lets the meeting work itself.
2. The leader of the meeting does not have to acknowledge a raised hand; he   or she can call on someone else. They can interrupt the one talking, if it is called for. This is in line with our common tradition. At the same time, a good meeting is one where the leader’s presence is inconspicuous and  non-controlling.”

Phone Etiquette

Be courteous.   Please mute your phone if there is background noise at your location and when   you are not speaking. It is recommended to use the mute feature on your phone if there is background noise at your location and when you are not speaking.  You can toggle back-n-forth between sharing & silence your line which will allow others to hear the message more clearly.

Our phone system offers an alternative command by pressing *6 to Mute or Un-mute. The phone system will give you an audio acknowledgement. To hear the # of parties in the conference press *#.  For a complete list of commands, visit www.freeconference.com/HotkeyList.aspx.  It is also helpful if you can keep track of your name in the order of callers and introduce the person that follows you when done sharing.  This helps keep the call moving in an orderly fashion and reduced dead air.  For more information, visit Toastmasters to get some additional hints & tips.

Features and Benefits

With any system, there are often many features that don’t get used.  Relatively speaking, the Sexaholics Anonymous Phone Meetings are slightly behind some of the other 12 Step Fellowships.  If you compare us to Alanon (www.alanonphonemeetings.org) or GreySheeters Anonymous (www.greysheet.org) for example, they often average more than 80 callers on the line (5 times the amount we normally get).  Both of these teleconferences have strict governance and traditions that prohibit the use of cross talk or background noise that is disruptive to the call.

In August 2012, the Virtual Intergroup (GSRs elected by each phone meeting) decided to distribute the “Call Organizer Access Code” (also known as the moderator code) amongst trusted servants to help carry the message of Sexaholics Anonymous around the globe.  This allowed the facilitator or secretary to eliminate the background noise when callers inadvertently would call in and fail to mute their line by mistake.

Here are the main Sexaholics Anonymous Phone Meeting Features:

• Organizer Access Code (OAC) – This code is entered by the conference Organizer in order to join a conference. It allows the Organizer to access enhanced conference controls. The OAC can be given to any or all Participants who will be given Organizer privileges.
• Conversation Mode – This mode provides an open, un-muted conference in which all Participants can speak freely. This mode works best for small groups of conferees. At any time during a conference, conference Organizers can switch between Conversation Mode, Question and Answer (Q&A) Mode and Presentation Mode by toggling the *7 on the telephone keypad.
• Q&A Mode – This mode allows Participants to un-mute themselves, permitting a ‘question and   answer’ or interactive session to be held during a conference call. This mode is accessible to those who provide the OAC when entering a conference. At any time during a conference, conference Organizers can switch between Q&A Mode, Presentation Mode and Conversation Mode by toggling the *7 on the telephone keypad.
• Presentation Mode – This mode automatically mutes members of the conference call who entered the Participant Access Code, enabling conference Participants to listen without being able to speak to  others on the conference. This mode works best with large groups of conferences for reducing background noise, and is accessible to those who provide the OAC when entering a conference. At any time during a conference, conference Organizers  can switch between Presentation Mode, Conversation Mode and Q&A Mode by toggling the *7 on the telephone keypad.
• Locking the Conference – This can be used for increased conference security, by preventing   additional Participants from joining the conference, and is accessible by  those who provide the OAC when entering a conference. At any time during a conference,   conference Organizers can lock or unlock the conference by toggling the *5 on the telephone keypad. Note  that if the conference is locked and a Participant is disconnected (e.g. cell   phone) from the conference, the room must first be unlocked before that Participant can rejoin the conference.

This topic has been highly controversial and weighing the advantages and disadvantages is not easy.

All meetings are closed and mixed gender unless otherwise specified. The “Women Only” meetings REQUIRE ladies to contact the SA Central Office (callers are screened). Phone toll free (866) 424-8777 or call direct (615) 370-6062.

You may also find it less intimidating attending some other 12 Step Recovery meetings including Alanon.

Thought you might find these websites helpful for those struggling in sexual addiction & recovery:

• Covenant Eyes – Covenant Eyes helps you live porn-free
• Guard your Eyes – Help Jews who are struggling
• Reco (buzzsprout) – Speaker Meeting Podcast
• Arp Support.org – Accountability Recovery Program (Latter-day Saint men who have overcome addiction)
• Same Recovery – Same sex Lust Recovery in SA
• Sexaholics Anonymous – EMER Recovery for the sex and porn addict
• SLAA – Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
• SAA – Sex Addicts Anonymous

Pledge “I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of S.A. always to be there

You can say that you are addicted to Nicotine.  They probably will congratulate you for quitting cigarettes and joining SA – Smokers Anonymous

• SAA – Sex Addicts Anonymous
• SLAA – Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
• SCA – Sexual Compulsives Anonymous
• SIA – Survivors of Incest Anonymous

Or you can say you are a student or a writer and you are working on an Essay.  Either way, let’s face it, sex addicts are not generally thought highly of in today’s world.  All you hear about is the latest rape and sex offense on the news.  Once you get caught by the FBI you are “smeared” for life.

SA & S-Anon International Conventions

Have you been to a Sexaholics Anonymous convention?  Visit the complete history on the Wiki SA site – Sexaholics Anonymous

Sexual addiction (sometimes called sex addiction) is a conceptual model devised in order to provide a scientific explanation for sexual urges, behaviors, or thoughts that appear extreme in frequency or feel out of one’s control—in terms of being a literal addiction to sexual activity.

Hypersexuality is a related continuous theoretical construct. Higher hypersexuality has been associated with addictive or obsessive personalities, escapism, psychological disorders, low self-esteem, self-destructive behavior, lowered sexual inhibitions, and behavioral conditioning.

Medical studies and related opinions vary among professional psychologists, sociologists, clinical sexologists, and other specialists regarding whether “sexual addiction” is a medical, physiological, and psychological addiction, and whether it is representative of a psychological/psychiatric condition at all.  Source

“Now about sex. Many of us needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It’s so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes— absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation.

“Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn’t the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone’s sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We’d hardly be human if we didn’t. What can we do about them?

“We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.

“In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test—was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.

“Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it. (AA BB pg. 69)

It’ VERY easy to find fault with others

Somehow, the flaws are far more easy to see than the bigger picture, than the amount of work and thought and preparation have gone into a particular piece of work.  Think about it–if someone just painted his or her house and missed a spot, what’s the first thing we see?  If someone just cooked us dinner and used a bit too much salt, what’s the first thing we notice when we put the food into our mouths?

Live and Let Live “The old saying “Live and Let live” seems so commonplace, it is easy to overlook its value. Of course, one reason it has been said over and over for years is that it has proved beneficial in so many ways.  We AA’s make some special uses of it to help us not drink. It particularly helps us cope with people who get on our nerves.  Read more

TWELVE TRADITIONS OF SEXAHOLICS ANONYMOUS

1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on SA unity.
2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
3. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober.
4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or Sexaholics Anonymous as a whole.
5. Each group has but one primary purpose— to carry its message to the sexaholic who still suffers.
6. An SA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the SA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.
7. Every SA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
8. Sexaholics Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.
9. SA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
10. Sexaholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the SA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, and TV.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

For more information, read the Twelve Concepts

As most people know, Sex Addiction does not go away after a meeting.  Hopefully, you have learned how to stay sober between meetings, one hour at a time, one day at a time.

“I’m still a sexaholic; my programming still makes me want to turn my head at anything that looks interesting and take a “drink.” Part of me still thinks it will die if I don’t. But one day at a time, one encounter at a time, one glance at a time, one thought or memory at a time, I don’t have to act on those impulses. I don’t have to drink it in.” (WB pg. 24)

If you are new, it is helpful to have an accountability list of members to call.  However, often you may get an answering machine or they are not available.

If you are interested in joining us for SA audio speaker recordings, please send an email to info@saphonemeeting.org.

Thus, we have a suggestion: try our new “beta speaker jam”.  Throughout the day, we will announce times when the broadcast is being played (typically during off times when there is no regularly scheduled SAPhoneMeeting to attend).

Dial-in: 1-712-432-3011
Conference code: 174-189

“The only thing I can bear witness to is the truth of my own experience. Because that’s what I want to hear from others. I want to see and feel the real truth about someone’s inner life and behavior that I can identify with. I don’t want to be told or preached at. Knowing the truth about religion or the program didn’t do it for me. Coming to see and acknowledge the truth about myself is what got me through the door into this new way of life. It’s the truth about myself-the imperfect truth–that attracts others; not all the preaching in the world.” (SA WB pg. 144)

This is one of the greatest things about the 12 Step Program(s)

It’s been my experience that since I’ve been coming to Alcoholics Anonymous since 1992 and Sexaholics Anonymous since 1995 that “addicts” hate being told what to do.  However, this is very tricky state of mind because it takes the same level of surrender to be willing to follow directions in order to recover.  Often we are told to “go to meetings, work the steps, pray, get a sponsor, etc.”.  In fact, there are 103 MUSTS in the AA Big Book.

I personally have given my 5th Step to a priest and thank God for all the wonderful things I’ve learned from clergy members.  In addition they say, “sometimes you have to seek professional help” and reach out to the mental health profession.  I also have witnessed tremendous benefit talking to psychiatrists and psychologists over the past 20 years or more.  However, there is no comparison how POWERFUL the level of honesty and transparent sharing that takes place when one addicts talks to another.

SA decided years ago that it is best to eliminate “clouding the message of recovery” by allowing outside literature. So, basically if it doesn’t appear on this list http://sa.org/docs/approvedlit.pdf then it is not allowed.

To help members get access to our AA Big Book, we’ve included some links below:

• http://www.aa.org/bbonline
• http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline
• http://saphonemeeting.org/images/aa_big_book_1-164.pdf
• http://saphonemeeting.org/images/aa_big_book_xiii-181.pdf
• http://anonpress.org/bbindex

AA Twelve and Twelve:

• http://www.aa.org/1212
• http://www.aa.org/twelveandtwelve

More AA literature:

• http://www.aa.org/lang/en/aareflections.cfm
• http://saphonemeeting.org/images/AsBillSeesIt.pdf
• http://saphonemeeting.org/images/Living_Sober.pdf

A.A. Guidelines are compiled from the shared experience of A.A. members in various service areas. They also reflect guidance given through the Twelve Traditions and the General Service Conference (U.S. and Canada). In keeping with our Tradition of autonomy, except in matters affecting other groups or A.A. as a whole, most decisions are made by the group conscience of the members involved. The purpose of these Guidelines is to assist in reaching an informed group conscience.

A.A. TRADITIONS AND THE INTERNET

We observe all A.A.’s principles and Traditions on A.A. Web sites.

Anonymity—As anonymity is the “spiritual foundation of all our Traditions,” we practice anonymity on public Web sites at all times.

Unless password-protected and for members only, an A.A. Web site is a public medium, and, therefore, requires the same safeguards that we use at the level of press, radio and film. In simplest form, this means that A.A.s do not identify themselves as A.A. members using their full names and/or full-face photos. For more information on anonymity online, see the section of this Guideline, “Guarding Anonymity Online.”

Attraction not promotion—As our co-founder, Bill W., wrote: “Public information takes many forms – the simple sign outside a meeting place that says ‘A.A. meeting tonight’; listing in local phone directories; distribution of A.A. literature; and radio and television shows using sophisticated media techniques. Whatever the form, it comes down to ‘one drunk carrying the message to another drunk,’ whether through personal contact or through the use of third parties and the media.

Source: http://aa.org/lang/en/en_pdfs/mg-18_internet.pdf