Respect for females is one of my biggest problems in life.  There are multiple names I try to use like women or ladies.  But I have to be careful with girls and especially chicks.

Today I really value women and have a much different perspective, but it continues to change.




The fellowship gave us monitoring and support to keep us from being overwhelmed, a safe haven where we could finally face ourselves.” (SOLUTION, WB pg. 61-62 and pg. 204-5)

“addicts, then love cripples” (WHAT IS A SEXAHOLIC AND WHAT IS SEXUAL SOBRIETY, WB pg. ii and pg. 203)


Family Radio => http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harold_Camping


Famous Alcoholics (addicts)


Lust for Power

Lust is an emotion or feeling of intense desire in the body. The lust can take any form such as the lust for knowledge, the lust for sex or the lust for power. It can take such mundane forms as the lust for food as distinct from the need for food. Lust is a psychological force producing intense wanting for an object, or circumstance fulfilling the emotion. Read more

Other References: Lust Manipulation | Sexual Inducement

When I was an active Alcoholic and “womanizer” I constantly manipulated women to have sex with me.  At the very least, I would not give up until they gave me their phone number.  Everywhere I went, I constantly flirted with females and saw it as a game or conquest.

Today I’m married and have a young daughter.  I need to ALWAYS remember that when I’m objectifying other a lady that she is another father’s girl.  I’m very, very proud to have “Daddy’s little Girl” and I don’t want to abuse women anymore!  Even if I’m fantasizing ONLY and not even talking to them, I’m still stealing and taking.  I pray that when I see an attractive female today that I can stop and pray for her rather then satisfy my own desires. Amen

Self-fulfilling prophecy

A self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that directly or indirectly causes itself to become true, by the very terms of the prophecy itself, due to positive feedback between belief and behavior.

I met a guy a few years ago that pointed out this idea of my behavior is
to happen.

It seems like my whole life I have a tendency to live up to my reputation.  Particularly, bad behavior which is unsettling.

Read more

It’s not a competition

Far too often, I find my self competing with my fellow brothers and sisters in the program.  This is partly ingrained in me because ever since I was a young child I was exposed to very highly competitive sports and competition.

However in my 20 years of experience I have slowly learned that it is not a race.  We are all equal. There is no prize for having the most sobriety in the room.

* Am I in my group a healing, mending, integrating person, or am I divisive? What about gossip and taking other members’ inventories?

* Am I a peacemaker? Or do I, with pious preludes such as “just for the sake of discussion,” plunge into argument?

* Am I gentle with those who rub me the wrong way, or am I abrasive?

* Do I make competitive AA remarks, such as comparing one group with another or contrasting AA in one place with AA in another?

Read more

Open road

“Roadtrip” is one of my favorite words.

Hitting the open road was so liberating.  It was rarely the destination that was important. Instead, it was all about the journey.

12 Step recovery is the greatest “journey of self-discovery”.

Generally speaking I do not flirt with women, but some habits are hard to break.

For example, tonight at work and every night (especially late, 10:00pm – 2:00am) temptation knocks.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I started a new job recently that places me in many compromising situations. I am a taxi driver for Uber.

When you can lay on the charm with others to be liked it is difficult not to lust.

God, please help me do the next right thing.

Tightrope walker

“Sometimes our walk with God can feel like the daring feat of a tightrope walker.” Read more

“The leader can never close the gap between himself and the group. If he does, he is no longer what he must be. He must walk a tightrope between the consent he must win and the control he must exert.”~ Vince Lombardi

“Life is like walking a tightrope: A balance between turning inward often enough to find your happy core and focusing outward often enough to care a little more. Leaning too much inward may make you aloof and narcissistic. Leaning too much outward may make you bitter and pessimistic. Keeping balance fuels life with hope.” ~ Joan F. Marques

Read More

Different meeting formats

In case you are not familiar, the SA White Book describes a variety of different formats of Sexaholics Anonymous on pages 185-189  (Read more).  For example, Step Study meetings are a popular choice because the entire program is anchored in the 12 Steps (Read more).

Moreover, the Noon SA Phone meeting was established on 7/13/09 by a guy who believed that in order to stay sober, REQUIRED a lunch SA meeting every day.  Since then, there has been enormous growth and maturity developing a “home group” that continues to flourish (Read more).  We even setup a Blog specifically for the purpose of honoring our Traditions (Read more – password: noon).  In particular, unlike just about every SA teleconference on our schedule we do NOT have a queue of callers.  Instead, we are a “volunteer sharing” style which helps accommodate the growing number of callers.

Meetings – How They Work
“As I come into the fellowship, I’m confronted with my disease.  First, in my initial contacts with other members; then in meeting after meeting.  But there are parts of the disease still hidden in that deep hole inside me, sides of me I never want you to see, and eventually they start festering.  So, one by one, I’m forced to get rid of them.  The problem is, how do I keep my disease from always running into a dark corner?”
That’s how one member put it in trying to describe something of what happens in meetings.  The problem is our blind sides; we all have them.  So, the question for us is, How do we work our personal programs and conduct our meetings and fellowship so as to “walk in the light”? Here’s what has been working for us:
1.  By getting sober and staying sober and holding to the concept of sexual sobriety in our SA meetings.  Without sobriety we have nothing to offer anyone.  SA offers sexual sobriety, progressive victory over lust, and recovery.  When this is our aim, meetings can become a sanctuary of serenity and light.
2.  By not imposing uniformity.  We don’t prescribe doing the Steps by formula or in exactly the same way some other member does them.  We do the Steps in our own way and time; we “Live and Let Live.” But working the Steps does work for us.
3.  By telling the side of our stories we really don’t want to tell.  This is different than a mere “sexalog,” relating our sexual experiences.  It is rigorous self-searching and self-revealing honesty about every aspect of our lives.  We arc fitting the pieces of our lives together differently every time we tell our stories or share.
4.  By telling exactly where we are today(where we’re failing today, as well as where we’re succeeding.  “I’m as sick as my secrets,” the saying goes.  So we reveal our secrets; we bring the inside out.  Self-honesty, in humility, yet so powerful.  We lead with our weaknesses.
5.  By continually working the principles of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions in our lives first, and in our fellowship.
6.  By helping others through identification.  When we want to communicate to another member, we speak in terms of “I,” not “we” or “you.” We don’t tell them what’s wrong with them or give advice; we relate what happened to us.  When we thus identify with another, it may not only help that person, but often reveals something about ourselves we’ve missed before.  We don’t tell; we share.
“I can tell you what’s wrong with you without identifying, but this keeps me from looking at myself and can be destructive to you.  But when I bring it up by identifying through my own experience, it means I’m bringing myself out into the light.”
7.  By taking responsibility for our own recovery.  There’s a difference between taking responsibility for our recovery and being in charge of it.  When we take responsibility, we’ve stopped saying “Fix me” and are willing to take the actions necessary to get well.  We’re
willing to take direction and work the Steps.  This same attitude is what leads us to tie in to another sober member as helper or sponsor(one who can help us learn how to work the Steps in our daily lives.  When we remain “in charge,” however, we’re shutting ourselves off from the light and help of other recovering members.
8.  By leading with our weakness.  There is an attractive healing atmosphere in meetings when someone is transparent, naive, “innocent,” and self-revealing at depth.  He or she may even be a newcomer, which is often the case and why we need them to help keep us honest.  Vulnerable, and like a child, we take the supreme risk of exposing the truth about ourselves, dark as it may be.  We lead with our weakness because that’s where we’re hurting, and this becomes the point of our identification with each other, the point of true union.  Once this single ray of light shines in a meeting, it finds ready reception and response in the others present.  Honesty is catching; we’re learning to walk in the light.
9.  By commitment to the group.  SA members commit themselves to SA meetings.  We attend every meeting we can.  On time.  Meetings, on time.  Why this emphasis?
When the meeting is handled in a haphazard manner, there’s a feeling of What’s the use? There’s the feeling of being let down, that the secretary, leader, or other members don’t care and are not really a part of.  And if there’s no feeling of mutual caring, then / can’t be a part of.  How can I become a part of something that’s always shifting around? A feeling of separation and isolation comes into play(deadly for us.
Meetings starting on time and a general orderliness are one of the legacies we’ve gotten from the best of other Twelve Step programs.  Instead of “doing our own thing,” which characterizes our self-obsession, we commit ourselves to every meeting and to being on time.  No matter what(spouses, jobs, money(we put the group first because we put our own sobriety first.
Commitment to sobriety is commitment to the fellowship of sobriety.

Meeting Guidelines
We can benefit from the unwritten guidelines that have contributed so profoundly to the success of other Twelve Step program meetings and have proven as valuable in our own.
1.  Leaders of meetings are servants of that meeting.  They don’t “carry” the meeting; they merely facilitate it.  A common mistake of those who have no prior Twelve Step meeting experience is to feel they must comment on everything that is said or “help out” in some way by giving “the answer.” The effective leader surrenders this impulse and lets the meeting work itself.
2.  The leader of the meeting does not have to acknowledge a raised hand; he or she can call on someone else.  They can interrupt the one talking, if it is called for.  This is in line with our common tradition.  At the same time, a good meeting is one where the leader’s presence is inconspicuous and non-controlling.
3.  Most groups stick with a certain basic set of readings that are read at every meeting, adding to this to suit the particular meeting.  A list of suggested readings from which to draw is included in the Suggested Meeting Format.  We use authorized SA and AA literature only, both for use during meetings and for distribution on the literature table.
4.  Participation guidelines:
– There is no cross talk.  We don’t interrupt others.  However, the leader has the right to remind the person sharing of guidelines, time consumed, etc.
– We don’t give advice.  We talk in the “I,” not the “we” or the “you,” speaking from our own experience.  If we want to respond to what someone has said, we do so only in terms of our own experience.  “I can only speak for myself, but whenever I did such and such, this is what happened in my life .  .  .”
– We don’t get carried away analyzing what caused our behavior or attitudes.  If we were victimized
in early life, we slowly learn to face and work through it in acknowledgment, acceptance, and forgiveness.  We talk as those who are now responsible for our attitudes and actions and are willing to take responsibility for our lives and recovery.
– In sharing, rather than displaying our knowledge or insights, we lead with our weakness and give of ourselves.
– We avoid politics, religious dogma, and other divisive issues.  We also avoid explicit sexual descriptions and sexually abusive language.
– We avoid dumping, self-pity, and blaming others.
– We don’t take the “inventories” of others; that is, we uncover and work on our own defects, not those of others.  We refer to our own experiences.
– We do speak honestly of where we really are today.  We try to develop transparent honesty of complete self-disclosure, letting the other members know where we are currently, regardless of length of sobriety.
– We do lead with our weakness and take the risk of total self-disclosure.
– By attending on time and sharing regularly, we give of ourselves to others in the group.  We get back recovery.
(See the material under the heading “I Am a Sexaholic” under Step One, in this book, and read the article “Meeting Quality and Use of Non-SA Literature,” in Discovering the Principles.)


Invest in Extra Security

We use “Security by Obscurity”

Our ecommerce solution is via PayPal which is arguably one of the top 3rd party shopping cart vehicles for making credit card transactions.  In fact, if you want to make a donation to www.sa.org, they too use the same company.

Nevertheless, for an additional cost, we can purchase services that bring extra security to our site. There are several services available that look for changes and known vulnerabilities in our site on a regular basis.

There is a solution that identifies malware links and security gaps on our website that could let a hacker steal information, vandalize our site or infect our members.

Purchasing an SSL certificate lets us log in and use our “Members Only” page over https. This protects your password and admin session from eavesdroppers on our network.

This is just one example of how your 7th Tradition is so valuable.  We want to continue to provide the VERY BEST online experience for Sex Addicts.  Obviously, there is an enormous amount of shame that comes with the territory.  Many of us are stuck in denial and are hiding our disease from others.  We are essentially wearing a mask pretending to live two separate lives.  When in fact, we are killing ourselves.

Break out of this “ball and chain”.  The more you give, the more you will get back.  Visit Paypal to make a donation today.


Sex Addiction and Withdrawal

If you have withdrawal symptoms, it’s likely you have an addiction. However, some guys have addictions without much in the way of withdrawal symptoms. This is why addiction specialists don’t list withdrawal symptoms in their addiction tests.

Common withdrawal symptoms include
• Anxiety
• Restlessness
• Irritability
• Insomnia
• Fatigue
• Headaches
• Poor concentration
• Depression
• Social isolation
• Loss of libido (Can take days to manifest, and last a long time)
Internet addiction research now reports that Internet addicts can suffer a form of cold turkey when they stop using the web – just like people coming off drugs.  Read more

I can’t believe it’s taken me 19 years to figure this out.  It just goes to show how insidious sex addiction is.  I’ve spent literally 100+ hours working on protecting myself from this JUNK.  Read more  However, I’m still exploring solutions for smart phones for FREE.  It seems like most of the companies target the Browser – Safe Internet Filter with Customizable Parental Controls.

I came into the “S” fellowship around 1994-95 as the result of speaking to a therapist regarding my compulsive masturbation.  It began with SLAA and I went to meetings fairly regularly for about 6 years.  During that time I would toggle back-n-forth with SA.  My sponsor told me the difference between SLAA and SA was much like AA and NA.  In other words, SA covers everything and is much more rigorous.

Today I attend SAA and believe it is arguably equally as strong as SA treating the disease of sex addiction.  The main difference between SA and SAA is that SA clearly defines sobriety = “no sex with self” aka masturbation.  However, I’ve met many people in SA that would not be sober according to some of the SAA sobriety definitions I’ve heard people share.  This may be shocking, but it’s true.  Plus, Patrick Karnes is one of the pioneers for Sex Addicts Anonymous and since many of the founding fathers are still alive, it has gained a lot of traction particularly in the Midwest where it is was founded.

Nevertheless, Withdrawal is my #1 challenge as I string sober hours together.  Eventually this leads to days, weeks and months.  I will always have and continue to struggle with many “character defects”, including Anger, Resentments, Self-Pity, etc.  However, I have a SOLUTION and I’m very grateful!!!

Here’s what Roy says about “Withdrawal”…

The term withdrawal is applied to the symptoms the addict may experience when deprived of the drug or activity. Such symptoms can be physical, emotional, or both. This gives rise to the deception and demand that we’ve got to have sex. But this is no different from the drug addict feeling he’ll die without his fix. It is simply not true; not feeding the hunger doesn’t kill us.

Some of us look back on our transition to sobriety as a time when we were in a state of shock, in which our whole system had to slowly recover from the trauma of a lifetime of self-inflicted injury.                 Sobriety involves a new and unfamiliar way of life, like driving in a foreign country without knowing the language or customs. Only this is a whole new inner terrain. Without the drug, we begin to feel what’s really going on inside. It takes time to adjust to all this, and the support of others in the fellowship is vital. Journeying this new road together helps take the fear out of withdrawal. We see that others who have gone before us have discovered that sex is truly optional, once they surrendered Inst and the expectation of sex. And their comfort and joy are genuine; they are neither abnormal nor deprived. Married members discover they can go into periods of voluntary abstinence to recover from lust and find them surprisingly effective and rewarding experiences. Yes, there is life after lust! And life after sex!

We see that the practice of our addiction includes the whole range from sporadic or periodic to continuous acting out, sometimes all within the same individual. But regardless of our particular pattern, it involves the addictive elements of tolerance, abstinence, and withdrawal, though we probably are not aware of them at the time. And if we switch addictions — not uncommon for those trying to quit one – the addictive process is the same.

Three additional aspects of our addiction we should look at are toxicity, adverse physical and emotional effects, and trigger mechanisms.  (SA WB pg. 31)

Step Studies

When we come into the rooms of recovery we quickly learn about the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions.

We hear there are “suggestions”, but it turns out they are really “Musts”.  In fact, there are over 103 in the AA Big Book. Read more

What about the Bleeding Deacon and Elder Statesman?  I know personally, that I am very guilty of being a “control freak” and behave like a baby if I do not get my way.

Bleeding Deacon – In the context of a 12-step program like Alcoholics Anonymous, a bleeding deacon is someone in the group who is overly preachy and considers themselves to be the lone voice of reason and source of wisdom. In the eyes of the bleeding deacon, the group would fall apart without them.

Elder Statesman – an old, experienced, and eminent person, a politician, whose advice is often sought

12&12  Tradition Two, p.135  Read more

Besides the 12&12, Roy K. describes his interpretation of the 12 Steps in the SA White Book.

The 12:00 pm SAPhoneMeeting hosts a regular Step Study meeting every Tuesday afternoon.  There are also other Step meetings throughout the week (e.g. Wednesday, 7:00 AM ET) that read from “Step into Action”

7:00 AM


Lastly, the SA SanDiego group also has an online series of readings available => Click here

On Tue 12/9 we will be reading from the White Book, Step 12 pg. 145 “accentuate positive”

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