The Sobriety Definition
Tradition Three states that
"The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and
become sexually sober." Given this requirement, one might think that
sexual sobriety would be a relative matter that we define for ourselves. On the
surface, this might appear to be an attractive and democratic idea. We think
not.
Our
rationalizations are ingenious. We tried masturbation only, or having
"meaningful relationships" only, or having affairs where we
"truly cared" for the other person. Or, we resorted only to
one-nighters, prostitutes, or anonymous sex "so nobody got hurt."
Over the long haul, these forms of experimentation did not work for us. There
was no real recovery. Sobriety works for us.
How
can we consider ourselves sober if we are still resorting to whatever or
whomever we are using addictively? With most of us coming in, there was never
any doubt what we had to stop doing. We knew. However, if we come into
an SA group where we can define our own sobriety, watch those rationalizations
come alive! And if we define our own level of sobriety, that's all we're likely
to reach.
In
defining sobriety, we do not speak for those outside Sexaholics Anonymous. We
can only speak for ourselves. Thus, for the married sexaholic, sexual sobriety
means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the spouse.
For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom
from sex of any kind. And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual
sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust.*
*In SA's
sobriety definition, the term "spouse" refers to one's partner in a
marriage between a man and a woman.
Of course, we recognize that one can be sexually
"dry" but not sober from lust or dependency. The "dry
drunk" syndrome, discovered in AA, applies to us as well, single or
married. But we try to avoid passing judgment on the quality of another's inner
sobriety. That must come from the individual. And if such persons keep coming
back, the fact of whether or not they are living free from the power of sexual
lust, fantasy, or dependency, not to mention switching addictions, usually
becomes apparent. This aspect of recovery seems to be progressive. Thus, our SA
expression: "True sobriety includes progressive victory over lust."
But progress we must or recovery eludes us! The real problem for all of
us-single, married, man, woman, from whatever lifestyle-is one and the same:
the spiritual misconnection.
We
have found that more important than the mere length of our calendar sobriety is
its quality and our own personal integrity. Physical sobriety is not an end in
itself but a means toward an end-victory over the obsession and progress in
recovery. We are often the only ones who know on the inside of our souls
whether we are truly in sobriety and recovery. (It is also possible we can be
fooling ourselves.) Better to acknowledge where we really are than hide behind
the badge of our sobriety date, cheat ourselves, and threaten our union with
one another.
The
fact that marrieds can have sex with their spouse and
call themselves "sober" is no advantage at all. It can even work against
recovery. Some marrieds confess that even though
they aren't "acting out" any more, victory over lust still eludes
them. As a matter of fact, it often seems harder for marrieds
to get victory over lust and dependency unless they go through the experience
of total sexual abstinence. And more often than we might suppose, marrieds can be heard complaining that singles have it
easier! Let's face it: sexaholics-recovering or not,
single or married can expect to have problems with sex! Not to mention the host
of other problems entailed in trying to live with and relate to others.
What
we strive toward is not only the negative sobriety of not acting out our sexaholism, but progressive victory over the obsession in
the looking and thinking. We also strive toward the positive sobriety of acting
out true union of persons. The great blessing (or curse, as the case may be) of
our condition is that unless and until we can give unconditionally and relate
with others, the vacuum left inside us from withdrawal will never be filled.
All along, we had thought we could make the Connection by taking; we see now
that we get it by giving. Our whole concept of sex begins to change. Sex finds
a simple and natural place it could never have before and becomes merely one of
the things that flows from true union in committed marriage. And even
here, we've discovered that sex is optional.
Unity
in fellowship and good spiritual quality in meetings are supported by this
definition. Without defining sexual sobriety, we would make it possible for
those who are still practicing lust in some fashion to lead meetings and hold
policy-making positions affecting not only the group but SA as a whole. This
could also compromise the spiritual atmosphere so that the power of God's
presence would not be active in the meetings and fellowship. While groups may
stay together without a commitment to sobriety-just as individuals may
temporarily feel better without it-we have found that there is no true
spiritual unity in groups without a shared commitment to sobriety and progress
in recovery. "Personal recovery depends on SA unity" (Tradition
One). Sobriety and victory over lust are the bases for our unity and common
welfare, which must come first. Our sobriety is the sine qua non, the
necessary basis of our recovery and fellowship. Without experiencing it, we
have nothing.
For
us, sobriety works.
We
"Live and Let Live," but we do not call one another sober unless we
are practicing sobriety.
Copyright
© 1989-2008 SA Literature
Reprinted
with permission of SA Literature