“He was a hard-headed man he was brutally handsome
\nAnd she was terminally pretty
\nShe held him up and he held her for ransom
\nIn the heart of the cold, cold city
\nHe had a nasty reputation as a cruel dude
\nThey said he was ruthless said he was crude
\nThey had one thing in common: they were good in bed
\nShe’d say, “Faster, faster “The lights are turning red”
\nLife in the fast lane
\nSurely make you lose your mind
\nLife in the fast lane, yeah
\nEager for action and hot for the game
\nThe coming attraction, the drop of a name
\nThey knew all the right people
\nThey took all the right pills
\nThey threw outrageous parties
\nThey paid heavenly bills
\nThere were lines on the mirror”<\/p>\n
~Lyrics from Eagles singer Joe Walsh<\/p>\n
Read more\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n Watch YouTube <\/a>or Watch DailyMotion<\/a><\/p>\n My biggest weaknesses are as follows:<\/p>\n strong censure; disapprobation; reproof.<\/p>\n condemn –\u00a0to express an unfavorable or adverse judgment on; indicate strong disapproval of; censure. to pronounce to be guilty; sentence to punishment: to condemn a murderer to life imprisonment.\u00a0to give grounds or reason for convicting or censuring: His acts condemn him.\u00a0to judge or pronounce to be unfit for use or service: to condemn an old building.<\/p>\n admonish –\u00a0to caution, advise, or counsel against something.\u00a0to reprove or scold, especially in a mild and good-willed manner: The teacher admonished him about excessive noise.\u00a0to urge to a duty; remind: to admonish them about their obligations.<\/p>\n “As I come into the fellowship, I’m confronted with my disease.\u00a0 First, in my initial contacts with other members; then in meeting after meeting.\u00a0 But there are parts of the disease still hidden in that deep hole inside me, sides of me I never want you to see, and eventually they start festering.\u00a0 So, one by one, I’m forced to get rid of them.\u00a0 The problem is, how do I keep my disease from always running into a dark corner?” <\/p>\n We can benefit from the unwritten guidelines that have contributed so profoundly to the success of other Twelve Step program meetings and have proven as valuable in our own. “He was a hard-headed man he was brutally handsome And she was terminally pretty She held him up and he held her for ransom In the heart of the cold, cold city He had a nasty reputation as a cruel dude They said he was ruthless said he was crude They had one thing in … Continue reading Life in the fast lane<\/span>
\nIn SA we “Lead with my weakness”<\/h2>\n
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Condemnation –\u00a0the act of condemning.<\/h4>\n
No one should be admonished from the 12 step meetings<\/h4>\n
Meetings – How They Work<\/h3>\n
\nThat’s how one member put it in trying to describe something of what happens in meetings.\u00a0 The problem is our blind sides; we all have them.\u00a0 So, the question for us is, How do we work our personal programs and conduct our meetings and fellowship so as to “walk in the light”? Here’s what has been working for us:
\n1.\u00a0 By getting sober and staying sober and holding to the concept of sexual sobriety in our SA meetings.\u00a0 Without sobriety we have nothing to offer anyone.\u00a0 SA offers sexual sobriety, progressive victory over lust, and recovery.\u00a0 When this is our aim, meetings can become a sanctuary of serenity and light.
\n2.\u00a0 By not imposing uniformity.\u00a0 We don’t prescribe doing the Steps by formula or in exactly the same way some other member does them.\u00a0 We do the Steps in our own way and time; we “Live and Let Live.” But working the Steps does work for us.
\n3.\u00a0 By telling the side of our stories we really don’t want to tell.\u00a0 This is different than a mere “sexalog,” relating our sexual experiences.\u00a0 It is rigorous self-searching and self-revealing honesty about every aspect of our lives.\u00a0 We arc fitting the pieces of our lives together differently every time we tell our stories or share.
\n4.\u00a0 By telling exactly where we are today(where we’re failing today, as well as where we’re succeeding.\u00a0 “I’m as sick as my secrets,” the saying goes.\u00a0 So we reveal our secrets; we bring the inside out.\u00a0 Self-honesty, in humility, yet so powerful.\u00a0 We lead with our weaknesses.
\n5.\u00a0 By continually working the principles of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions in our lives first, and in our fellowship.
\n6.\u00a0 By helping others through identification.\u00a0 When we want to communicate to another member, we speak in terms of “I,” not “we” or “you.” We don’t tell them what’s wrong with them or give advice; we relate what happened to us.\u00a0 When we thus identify with another, it may not only help that person, but often reveals something about ourselves we’ve missed before.\u00a0 We don’t tell; we share.
\n“I can tell you what’s wrong with you without identifying, but this keeps me from looking at myself and can be destructive to you.\u00a0 But when I bring it up by identifying through my own experience, it means I’m bringing myself out into the light.”
\n7.\u00a0 By taking responsibility for our own recovery.\u00a0 There’s a difference between taking responsibility for our recovery and being in charge of it.\u00a0 When we take responsibility, we’ve stopped saying “Fix me” and are willing to take the actions necessary to get well.\u00a0 We’re
\nwilling to take direction and work the Steps.\u00a0 This same attitude is what leads us to tie in to another sober member as helper or sponsor(one who can help us learn how to work the Steps in our daily lives.\u00a0 When we remain “in charge,” however, we’re shutting ourselves off from the light and help of other recovering members.
\n8.\u00a0 By leading with our weakness.\u00a0 There is an attractive healing atmosphere in meetings when someone is transparent, naive, “innocent,” and self-revealing at depth.\u00a0 He or she may even be a newcomer, which is often the case and why we need them to help keep us honest.\u00a0 Vulnerable, and like a child, we take the supreme risk of exposing the truth about ourselves, dark as it may be.\u00a0 We lead with our weakness because that’s where we’re hurting, and this becomes the point of our identification with each other, the point of true union.\u00a0 Once this single ray of light shines in a meeting, it finds ready reception and response in the others present.\u00a0 Honesty is catching; we’re learning to walk in the light.
\n9.\u00a0 By commitment to the group.\u00a0 SA members commit themselves to SA meetings.\u00a0 We attend every meeting we can.\u00a0 On time.\u00a0 Meetings, on time.\u00a0 Why this emphasis?
\nWhen the meeting is handled in a haphazard manner, there’s a feeling of What’s the use? There’s the feeling of being let down, that the secretary, leader, or other members don’t care and are not really a part of.\u00a0 And if there’s no feeling of mutual caring, then \/ can’t be a part of.\u00a0 How can I become a part of something that’s always shifting around? A feeling of separation and isolation comes into play(deadly for us.
\nMeetings starting on time and a general orderliness are one of the legacies we’ve gotten from the best of other Twelve Step programs.\u00a0 Instead of “doing our own thing,” which characterizes our self-obsession, we commit ourselves to every meeting and to being on time.\u00a0 No matter what(spouses, jobs, money(we put the group first because we put our own sobriety first.
\nCommitment to sobriety is commitment to the fellowship of sobriety.<\/p>\nMeeting Guidelines<\/h3>\n
\n1.\u00a0 Leaders of meetings are servants of that meeting.\u00a0 They don’t “carry” the meeting; they merely facilitate it.\u00a0 A common mistake of those who have no prior Twelve Step meeting experience is to feel they must comment on everything that is said or “help out” in some way by giving “the answer.” The effective leader surrenders this impulse and lets the meeting work itself.
\n2.\u00a0 The leader of the meeting does not have to acknowledge a raised hand; he or she can call on someone else.\u00a0 They can interrupt the one talking, if it is called for.\u00a0 This is in line with our common tradition.\u00a0 At the same time, a good meeting is one where the leader’s presence is inconspicuous and non-controlling.
\n3.\u00a0 Most groups stick with a certain basic set of readings that are read at every meeting, adding to this to suit the particular meeting.\u00a0 A list of suggested readings from which to draw is included in the Suggested Meeting Format.\u00a0 We use authorized SA and AA literature only, both for use during meetings and for distribution on the literature table.
\n4.\u00a0 Participation guidelines:
\n– There is no cross talk.\u00a0 We don’t interrupt others.\u00a0 However, the leader has the right to remind the person sharing of guidelines, time consumed, etc.
\n– We don’t give advice.\u00a0 We talk in the “I,” not the “we” or the “you,” speaking from our own experience.\u00a0 If we want to respond to what someone has said, we do so only in terms of our own experience.\u00a0 “I can only speak for myself, but whenever I did such and such, this is what happened in my life .\u00a0 .\u00a0 .”
\n– We don’t get carried away analyzing what caused our behavior or attitudes.\u00a0 If we were victimized
\nin early life, we slowly learn to face and work through it in acknowledgment, acceptance, and forgiveness.\u00a0 We talk as those who are now responsible for our attitudes and actions and are willing to take responsibility for our lives and recovery.
\n– In sharing, rather than displaying our knowledge or insights, we lead with our weakness and give of ourselves.
\n– We avoid politics, religious dogma, and other divisive issues.\u00a0 We also avoid explicit sexual descriptions and sexually abusive language.
\n– We avoid dumping, self-pity, and blaming others.
\n– We don’t take the “inventories” of others; that is, we uncover and work on our own defects, not those of others.\u00a0 We refer to our own experiences.
\n– We do speak honestly of where we really are today.\u00a0 We try to develop transparent honesty of complete self-disclosure, letting the other members know where we are currently, regardless of length of sobriety.
\n– We do lead with our weakness and take the risk of total self-disclosure.
\n– By attending on time and sharing regularly, we give of ourselves to others in the group.\u00a0 We get back recovery.
\n(See the material under the heading “I Am a Sexaholic” under Step One, in this book, and read the article “Meeting Quality and Use of Non-SA Literature,” in Discovering the Principles.)
\nThe Sobriety Definition
\nTradition Three states that “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober.” Given this requirement, one might think that sexual sobriety would be a relative matter that we define for ourselves.\u00a0 On the surface, this might appear to be an attractive and democratic idea.\u00a0 We think not.
\nOur rationalizations are ingenious.\u00a0 We tried masturbation only, or having “meaningful relationships” only, or having affairs where we “truly cared” for the other person.\u00a0 Or, we resorted only to one-nighters, prostitutes, or anonymous sex “so nobody got hurt.” Over the long haul, these forms of experimentation did not work for us.\u00a0 There was no real recovery.\u00a0 Sobriety works for us.
\nHow can we consider ourselves sober if we are still resorting to whatever or whomever we are using addictively? With most of us coming in, there was never any doubt what we had to stop doing.\u00a0 We knew.\u00a0 However, if we come into an SA group where we can define our own sobriety, watch those rationalizations come alive! And if we define our own level of sobriety, that’s all we’re likely to reach.
\nIn defining sobriety, we do not speak for those outside Sexaholics Anonymous.\u00a0 We can only speak for ourselves.\u00a0 Thus, for the married sexaholic, sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the
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\nspouse.\u00a0 For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind.\u00a0 And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust.*
\nOf course, we recognize that one can be sexually “dry” but not sober from lust or dependency.\u00a0 The “dry drunk” syndrome, discovered in AA, applies to us as well, single or married.\u00a0 But we try to avoid passing judgment on the quality of another’s inner sobriety.\u00a0 That must come from the individual.\u00a0 And if such persons keep coming back, the fact of whether or not they are living free from the power of sexual lust, fantasy, or dependency, not to mention switching addictions, usually becomes apparent.\u00a0 This aspect of recovery seems to be progressive.\u00a0 Thus, our SA expression: “True sobriety includes progressive victory over lust.” But progress we must or recovery eludes us! The real problem for all of us(single, married, man, woman, from whatever lifestyle(is one and the same: the spiritual misconnection.
\nWe have found that more important than the mere length of our calendar sobriety is its quality and our own personal integrity.\u00a0 Physical sobriety is not an end in itself but a means toward an end – victory over the obsession and progress in recovery.\u00a0 We are often the only ones who know on the inside of our souls whether we are truly in sobriety and recovery.\u00a0 (It is also possible we can be fooling ourselves.) Better to acknowledge where we really are than hide behind the badge of our sobriety date, cheat ourselves, and threaten our union with one another.
\nThe fact that marrieds can have sex with their spouse and call themselves “sober” is no advantage at all.\u00a0 It can even work against recovery.\u00a0 Some marrieds confess that even though they aren’t “acting out” any more, victory over lust still eludes them.\u00a0 As a matter of fact, it often seems harder for marrieds to get victory over lust and dependency unless they go through the experience of total sexual abstinence.\u00a0 And more often than we might suppose, marrieds
\n(* In SA\u2019s sobriety definition, the term \u201cspouse\u201d refers to one\u2019s partner in a marriage between a man and a woman.)
\ncan be heard complaining that singles have it easier! Let’s face it: sexaholics(recovering or not, single or married( can expect to have problems with sex! Not to mention the host of other problems entailed in trying to live with and relate to others.
\nWhat we strive toward is not only the negative sobriety of not acting out our sexaholism, but progressive victory over the obsession in the looking and thinking.\u00a0 We also strive toward the positive sobriety of acting out true union of persons.\u00a0 The great blessing (or curse, as the case may be) of our condition is that unless and until we can give unconditionally and relate with others, the vacuum left inside us from withdrawal will never be filled.\u00a0 All along, we had thought we could make the Connection by taking; we see now that we get it by giving.\u00a0 Our whole concept of sex begins to change.\u00a0 Sex finds a simple and natural place it could never have before and becomes merely one of the things that flows from true union in committed marriage.\u00a0 And even here, we’ve discovered that sex is optional.
\nUnity in fellowship and good spiritual quality in meetings are supported by this definition.\u00a0 Without defining sexual sobriety, we would make it possible for those who are still practicing lust in some fashion to lead meetings and hold policy-making positions affecting not only the group but SA as a whole.\u00a0 This could also compromise the spiritual atmosphere so that the power of God’s presence would not be active in the meetings and fellowship.\u00a0 While groups may stay together without a commitment to sobriety – just as individuals may temporarily feel better without it(we have found that there is no true spiritual unity in groups without a shared commitment to sobriety and progress in recovery.\u00a0 “Personal recovery depends on SA unity” (Tradition One).\u00a0 Sobriety and victory over lust are the bases for our unity and common welfare, which must come first.\u00a0 Our sobriety is the sine qua non, the necessary basis of our recovery and fellowship.\u00a0 Without experiencing it, we have nothing.
\nFor us, sobriety works.
\nWe “Live and Let Live,” but we do not call one another sober unless we are practicing sobriety.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"