SAPhoneMeeting Blog

Other Recovery Teleconferences

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Sat, 19 May 2012 05:21:00 -0600

There are many more recovery teleconference solutions. Below is a short list (no particular order):

Codependents of Sex Addicts or Co-Sex Addicts: www.cosacall.com/pb/schedules.html

GreySheeters Anonymous: www.greysheet.org/cms/phone-meetings.html

Overeaters Anonymous: www.oa.org/meetings/find-a-meeting-online.php

Adult Children of Alcoholics: www.allone.com/12/aca

Alcoholics Anonymous: www.sites.google.com/site/aatelephonemeetings/home

Alanon: www.alanonphonemeetings.org

Debtors Anonymous: www.debtorsanonymous.org/admin/index.php/find/phone_meeting

Underearners Anonymous: www.underearnersanonymous.org/phone.html

Welcome!

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Tue, 01 May 2012 08:00:00 -0600

Welcome to our SA Phone Meeting Web Log. This is an extension from the regular web site and will expand upon our primary purpose of serving the fellowship of Sexaholics Anonymous in a more casual forum. This Blog is developed by a small but growing team of core developers and members of SA.

We are committed to providing a resource for S.A. members in a timely fashion about upcoming events and information related to Sexaholics Anonymous. Please visit us @ www.saphonemeeting.org to see our schedule of meetings updated regularly along with downloadable scripts, formats and other readings commonly used.

Really Simple Syndication (RSS) is a family of web feed formats used to publish frequently updated works—such as blog entries and news headlines—in a standardized format. An RSS document (which is called a "feed") includes full or summarized text, plus metadata such as publishing dates and authorship. Our Blog offers this capability. You can add this Link to your email client (e.g. Outlook and Windows Live) or select a Category by clicking on the specific icon.

One of the many goals is to encourage participation of S.A. members, groups and committees in S.A. services and activities. To this end, we offer a "transparent" vehicle with no hidden agenda. We believe the real magic of recovery is when one sexaholic talks to another--- sharing experience, strength and hope and the "Language of the Heart". The opinions expressed in this Blog by no means constitutes or indicates review, endorsement or approval of SAICO. We are committed to the growth of Sexaholics Anonymous and encourage feedback on many of our postings by clicking on the "Comments" link at the bottom of each publication.

SA White Book - Index

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 23:30:24 -0600

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time focusing on the language of recovery. Years ago I discovered the AA Big Book Index. So, here is a meager attempt to try and concentrate on where various words are mentioned in the Sexaholics Anonymous White Book.

Word

Page

Dishonesty

Honesty

Masturbation

Self-honesty

Suggest

114, 132

59, 84, 86, 112, 113, 134, 150, 151, 186, 187, 189, 198, 206

1, 10, 11, 13, 14, 15, 18, 19, 46, 47, 52, 55, 119, 189, 203

88, 186

3, 33, 65, 72, 107, 127, 157, 158, 160, 161, 162, 168, 173, 176, 177, 179, 181, 182, 188, 195, 200, 206

Humor

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 19:03:28 -0600

"Humor is mankind's greatest blessing." ~Mark Twain

"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” ~Bill Cosby

“I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?” ~Jerry Seinfield quotes

"A day without laughter is a day wasted." ~Charlie Chaplin

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose." ~Woody Allen

Self-Awareness and Sexual Dreams

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 18:34:14 -0600

"Many ask whether having had a sexual dream constitutes a lapse in sexual sobriety. This is ultimately the individual's decision. As concerned members, we may question that decision, but we do not declare a person either sober or not sober.

...We must never forget that the real issue is not some legalistic standing that mere length of sobriety confers upon us, but our quality of life. One of the pitfalls of counting length of sobriety is that some may be found who use it as a substitute for the reality of a changed life. Some may be stuck on externals: "I'm sober" equals "I'm okay." Mere length of sobriety is no more an indicator of recovery than growing old is a sign of increased wisdom. We can be so obsessed with not wanting to have to set our sobriety date back to zero that we are blind to the reality of our condition. (Recovery Continues, pg. 22-23)

This is perhaps one of my favorite readings. Why? Probably because I struggle with continuous sobriety in SA but have years of progressive victory over lust. I got sober in AA in 1996 and starting coming to SA around the same time. However, masturbation, pornography, and refusing all hits as toxic still eludes me. I believe I take my will back and give in to temptation. I rationalize my behavior chalking it off as a stress reliever.

Mute Feature

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Sat, 07 Apr 2012 04:59:00 -0600

Unfortunately, SA Phone Meetings are still relatively new. However, the biggest problem was the mute feature. It was suggested that we consider the advantages and disadvantages of incorporating a system wide mute feature.

Phone Etiquette
Be courteous. Please mute your phone if there is background noise at your location and when you are not speaking. It is recommended to use the mute feature on your phone if there is background noise at your location and when you are not speaking (slightly easier and faster). You can toggle back-n-forth between sharing & silence which will allow others to hear the message clearly. Our new and improved phone system offers an alternative command by pressing 6 to Mute or Un-mute. The phone system will give you an audio acknowledgement. To hear the # of parties in the conference press #. For more information, visit freeconference.com
It is helpful if you can keep track of your name in the order of callers and introduce the person that follows you when done sharing.

Teleconference Hints & Tips
Today, on the regular 6:30 AM EST DSR, there was a little interference during introductions. We've published some articles related to this issue in the past, see Cross Talk and Phone System. Also, there are some interesting articles that suggests Rules of Etiquette, Toastmaster's approach to Teleconferencing and more technical aspects of phone calls.

Meeting Guidelines
We can benefit from the unwritten guidelines that have contributed so profoundly to the success of other Twelve Step program meetings and have proven as valuable in our own.
1. Leaders of meetings are servants of that meeting. They don't "carry" the meeting; they merely facilitate it. A common mistake of those who have no prior Twelve Step meeting experience is to feel they must comment on everything that is said or "help out" in some way by giving "the answer." The effective leader surrenders this impulse and lets the meeting work itself.
2. The leader of the meeting does not have to acknowledge a raised hand; he or she can call on someone else. They can interrupt the one talking, if it is called for. This is in line with our common tradition. At the same time, a good meeting is one where the leader's presence is inconspicuous and non-controlling. WB pg. 188

PROS

CONS

1) Better quality teleconference
2) Everyone on the call is able to hear the message clearly
3) Eliminate frustration and anxiety of feeling heard
4) Many people innocently join the call and do not realize they are dropping into a live meeting. Thus, there is a disruption on the phone bridge until they realize how and why to mute
5) Cross talk originated from the communications industry which basically means that you cannot have two conversations at the same time. Today this is very important in networking when you get into half-duplex channels. Take the walkie talkie for example. When you speak, you first press the microphone button. The receiver waits for the sender to finish before replying. Unfortunately, when addicts come together, all the physical laws go out the window and it becomes a sparring match.
6) Eliminate the ugly side of human nature that comes out when people are interrupted and self-will forces are in play. In other words, there is something to be said for politeness
7) Bottom line, it eliminates variability and inconsistency of background noise. Telephony troubleshooting methodology suggests reducing the points of failure.
When we say the serenity prayer, "courage to change the things we can" we need to remember the wisdom of this simple feature

1) Fear of losing control to manipulate the call
2) Relinquish power that already exists with some members
3) Test of Patience is our code
4) Challenge with disseminating the call coordinator code
5) Sobriety requirement and who is allowed this special privilege

The Sexaholics Anonymous Phone Meetings have the ability to use www.freeconference.com/HotkeyList.aspx. If you would like to see how some of the features below are used, visit Other Recovery Teleconferences. They take advantage of this modern technology and make for a much better teleconference. Unfortunately, things have a tendency to move very slow in Twelve Step programs. Hopefully, some day we will be able to exchange the “Call Organizer Access Code” amongst trusted servants to help carry the message of Sexaholics Anonymous around the globe.

Presentation Mode – This mode automatically mutes members of the conference call who entered the Participant Access Code, enabling conference Participants to listen without being able to speak to others on the conference. This mode works best with large groups of conferees for reducing background noise, and is accessible to those who provide the Organizer Access Code when entering a conference. At any time during a conference, conference Organizers can switch between Presentation Mode, Conversation Mode and Q&A Mode by toggling the “*7” on the telephone keypad. Presentation Mode can also be specified in advance during the Web scheduling process on Web-scheduled conference calls.

Q&A Mode – This mode allows Participants to un-mute themselves, permitting a ‘question and answer’ or interactive session to be held during a conference call that was preset to Presentation Mode. This mode is accessible to those who provide the Organizer Access Code when entering a conference. At any time during a conference, conference Organizers can switch between Q&A Mode, Presentation Mode and Conversation Mode by toggling the “*7” on the telephone keypad. Q&A Mode can also be specified in advance during the Web scheduling process on Web-scheduled conference calls.

Organizer Access Code - This code is entered by the conference Organizer in order to join a conference. It allows the Organizer to access enhanced conference controls, such as Locking the Conference, changing the conference mute mode to Presentation Mode or Q&A Mode, and determining when a conference can begin and end. The Organizer Access Code can be given to any or all Participants who will be given Organizer privileges. The Organizer can share the Organizer Access Code with Panelists to prevent them from being muted.

Conversation Mode – This mode provides an open, un-muted conference in which all Participants can speak freely. This mode works best for small groups of conferees. At any time during a conference, conference Organizers can switch between Conversation Mode, Q&A Mode and Presentation Mode by toggling the “*7” on the telephone keypad. Conversation Mode can also be specified in advance during the Web scheduling process on Web-scheduled conference calls.

Locking the Conference – This can be used for increased conference security, by preventing additional Participants from joining the conference, and is accessible by those who provide the Organizer Access Code when entering a conference. At any time during a conference, conference Organizers can lock or unlock the conference by toggling the “*5” on the telephone keypad. Note that if the conference is locked and a Participant is disconnected (e.g. cell phone) from the conference, the room must first be unlocked before that Participant can rejoin the conference.

We have found that recovery still eludes us

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 23:24:40 -0600

Today, I don't know if I could live in California where marijuana is legal. I’m grateful for sobriety from bong hits, joints, etc. not to mention a glass of wine, cold beer and margaritas. In fact, I have been sober longer than when I used to party. I remember living in Newport beach, got high & drunk every day, and had a lot of recreational sex, one night stands, etc.

Now having come to Sexaholics Anonymous both when I was single and married, I struggle with lust and wanting to be lusted after. I hit my bottom in 2001, when I asked my girlfriend to move in with me. I discovered the crack cocaine of sex addiction, namely internet pornography back then and continue to have lots of trouble with television, movies and fantasy.

The good news is that I never paid for sex in the true sense of the word by having sex with a prostitute, or even calling 900 #s. However, I think I've attended more strip clubs since I got married than I ever did when I was single. It's interesting how my disease works. The scariest thing of all was deciding to be with one woman for the rest of my life.

“Our definition of sobriety represents, for us, the basic and necessary condition for lasting freedom from the pain that brought us to SA. We have found that nothing else works. When we have tried to deny what our common experience has taught us, we have found that recovery still eludes us.” (SA WB pg.2)

Spiritual Condition! What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our "spiritual condition". (AA BB p.85)

What Is Lust?

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 23:09:36 -0600

A Personal Point of View
                It's pretty tough to get a handle on it, but here's what lust looks like in my life. It's a slave master that wants to control my sex for its own ends in its own way whenever it wants. And it's like mental-spiritual noise that distorts and perverts sex, much as a raucous radio interference distorts a lovely melody.
                Lust is not sex, and it is not physical. It seems to be a screen of self-indulgent fantasy separating me from reality—either the reality of my own person in sex with myself or the reality of my spouse. It works the same way whether with a girlfriend, a prostitute, or my wife. It thus negates identity, either mine or the other person's, and is anti-real, working against my own reality, working against me.
                I can't have true union with my wife while lust is active because she as a person really doesn't matter; she's even in the way; she's merely the sexual instrument. And I can't have true union within myself while I'm splitting myself having sex with myself. That fantasy partner I've conjured up in my mind is really part of me! With lust, the sex act is not the result of personal union; sex doesn't flow from that union. Sex energized by lust makes true union impossible.
                The nature of the lust-noise interference I superimpose over sex can be many things: memories, fantasies ranging from the erotic to revenge or even violence. Or, it can be the mental image of a single fetish or of some other person. Seen in this light, lust can exist apart from sex. Indeed, there are those who say they are obsessed with lust who can no longer have sex. I see my lust as a force that apparently infuses and distorts my other instincts as well: eating, drinking, working, anger... I know I have a lust to resent; it seems as strong as sexual lust ever was.
                In my experience, lust is not physical; it is not even strong sexual desire. It seems to be a spiritual force that distorts my instincts; and whenever let loose in one area, seems to want to infect other areas as well.
                And being nonsexual, lust crosses all lines, including gender. When energized by lust, my sexual fantasies or acting out can go in any direction, shaped by whatever I experience. Thus, the more I indulge in sexual lust, the less truly sexual I become.
43
                Therefore, my basic problem as a recovering sexaholic is to live free from my lust. When I entertain it in any form, sooner or later it tries to express itself in every form. And lust becomes the indicator of not only what I do, but what I am.
                But there is great hope here. By surrendering lust and its acting out each time I'm tempted by it, and then experiencing God's life-giving deliverance from its power, recovery and healing are taking place, and wholeness is being restored—true union within myself first, then with others and the Source of my life.
Lust Is . . .
Not being able to say no
Constantly being in dangerous sexual situations
Turning my head as if sex-starved all the time
Attraction only to beautiful people
Erotic fantasies
Use of erotic media
Being addicted to the partner as I would be to a drug
Losing my identity in the partner
Obsession with the romantic—going for the "chemistry"
The desire to make the other person lust
Another Personal Perspective
Lust Kills
Lust is the most important thing in my life; it takes priority over me.
Captive to lust, I cannot be myself.
Lust makes me its slave; it kills my freedom; it kills me.
Lust always wants more; lust creates more lust.
Lust is jealous; it wants to possess me.
Lust makes me self-obsessed; it drives me into myself.
Lust makes sex impossible without lust.
Lust destroys the ability to love; it kills love.
Lust destroys the ability to receive love; it kills me.
Lust creates guilt—unavoidably; and guilt has to be expiated.
Lust makes part of me want to die because I can't bear what
I'm doing to myself and my powerlessness over it.
Increasingly, I direct this guilt and self-hatred inward and outward.
Lust is destructive to me and those around me.
Lust kills the spirit; my spirit is me. Lust kills me!

(WB pg. 45)

We need your support

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 23:09:00 -0600

The SAPhoneMeeting website has been averaging over 16,000 hits per month since September, 2010.

Dec-10 had a 277% increase from December 2009. Better yet, we had approx. 191,000 more hits in 2010 (344% increase).

In order to keep up with the growing demand, we are looking for volunteers to help. We have some open service positions and plan to schedule an ad-hoc business meeting soon. Some of the responsibilities include web designer, email coordinator, etc.

In the spirit of service and sacrifice we are counting on your participation. Ideally, we would like to get a strong cross-section of the fellowship. This includes, both women and men, singles and marrieds, various lengths of sobriety, and different geographic locations. Please reply if you are interested.

7th Tradition

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 23:04:00 -0600

7th Tradition: "Every SA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions." Click "Donate" icon below to contribute. Self-Support: Where Money and Spirituality Mix

This website costs over $5.00 per month to host domain. Additional donations go to SAICO. If you enjoy this resource, please consider donating to help cover expenses and support the fellowship. Visit Blog, to get more info. PayPal protects your privacy and security. PayPal quickly processes donations for donate@saphonemeeting.org. You can complete your payment with just a few clicks.

We publish regular reports and YTD Financial Summary: 2009 | 2010 | 2011 | 2012

Traditions

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 22:59:00 -0600

Personally, I think discussing any 12-Step fellowship is okay. However, it’s been my experience that it can be confusing to the newcomer if you endorse SLAA and others because SA is the only one that I know of that clearly says, no masturbation.

I believe consistency in following the suggestions is what makes the 4th tradition so interesting. Long version: “With respect to its own affairs, each A.A. group should be responsible to no other authority than its own conscience. But when its plans concern the welfare of neighboring groups also, those groups ought to be consulted. And no group, regional committee, or individual should ever take any action that might greatly affect A.A. as a whole without conferring with the Trustees of the General Service Board. On such issues our common welfare is paramount.”

Another example is the “Answers in the Heart” reading. Personally, I would vote in favor of it because I have not found any passages that conflict with our sobriety definition.

As it relates to Meeting Guidelines, the White Book p. 189 says, “See the material under the heading "I Am a Sexaholic" under Step One, in this book, and read the article "Meeting Quality and Use of Non-SA Literature," in Discovering the Principles.”

Spring Forward

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 13:25:06 -0700

Don't forget to turn your clocks forward one hour this weekend, Sunday, March 11, 2012 at 2:00 AM for all those living in the United States and Canada. One of the benefits of the www.SAPhoneMeeting.org is the "Interactive Clock" where you can see exactly what time it is relative to the schedule published based on EDT/EST (Eastern Daylight/Standard Time). For example, today we have many callers from Europe, Middle East and even Australia/Pacific. Attend a live Sexaholics Anonymous teleconference meeting with others around the world who are seeking sobriety. Daylight Saving Time (DST) ends on Sunday, November 4, 2012 at 2:00 AM local daylight time (UTC/GMT -5 hours)

British Summer Time (BST) starts on Sunday, March 25, 2012 at 1:00 AM for all those folks in England (No UTC/GMT offset). If you live in Sydney, Australia the current time zone offset is UTC/GMT +11 hours. DST ends on Sunday, April 1, 2012 at 3:00 AM local daylight time.

Our singleness of purpose is to aid in providing timely and accurate information to the newcomer, as well as existing members of Sexaholics Anonymous. "I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of S.A. always to be there. And for that: I am responsible."

The phone meetings have experienced tremendous growth and structure improvements. For more info, visit www.timeanddate.com, www.worldtimeserver.com or even www.google.com/earth

What does the sobriety definition mean for me?

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 04:59:43 -0700

Besides no masturbation and no sex outside my marriage...

No pornography

No adult video stores

No strip clubs

Here is where it gets very challenging:

Avoiding sexually graphic images like sports illustrated swimsuit magazine at the checkout counter in the grocery store

Avoiding television and movies that contain sexually graphic scenes and images that lead me to objectifying women

Not getting into any confrontation, arguments and being kind and loving to everyone

SA Sobriety Definition

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 04:37:29 -0700

Tradition Three states that "The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober." Given this requirement, one might think that sexual sobriety would be a relative matter that we define for ourselves. On the surface, this might appear to be an attractive and democratic idea. We think not.

Our rationalizations are ingenious. We tried masturbation only, or having "meaningful relationships" only, or having affairs where we "truly cared" for the other person. Or, we resorted only to one-nighters, prostitutes, or anonymous sex "so nobody got hurt." Over the long haul, these forms of experimentation did not work for us. There was no real recovery. Sobriety works for us.

How can we consider ourselves sober if we are still resorting to whatever or whomever we are using addictively? With most of us coming in, there was never any doubt what we had to stop doing. We knew. However, if we come into an SA group where we can define our own sobriety, watch those rationalizations come alive! And if we define our own level of sobriety, that's all we're likely to reach.

In defining sobriety, we do not speak for those outside Sexaholics Anonymous. We can only speak for ourselves. Thus, for the married sexaholic, sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the spouse. For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind. And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust. In SA’s sobriety definition, the term “spouse” refers to one’s partner in a marriage between a man and a woman.

Of course, we recognize that one can be sexually "dry" but not sober from lust or dependency. The "dry drunk" syndrome, discovered in AA, applies to us as well, single or married. But we try to avoid passing judgment on the quality of another's inner sobriety. That must come from the individual. And if such persons keep coming back, the fact of whether or not they are living free from the power of sexual lust, fantasy, or dependency, not to mention switching addictions, usually becomes apparent. This aspect of recovery seems to be progressive. Thus, our SA expression: "True sobriety includes progressive victory over lust." But progress we must or recovery eludes us! The real problem for all of us(single, married, man, woman, from whatever lifestyle(is one and the same: the spiritual misconnection.

We have found that more important than the mere length of our calendar sobriety is its quality and our own personal integrity. Physical sobriety is not an end in itself but a means toward an end - victory over the obsession and progress in recovery. We are often the only ones who know on the inside of our souls whether we are truly in sobriety and recovery. (It is also possible we can be fooling ourselves.) Better to acknowledge where we really are than hide behind the badge of our sobriety date, cheat ourselves, and threaten our union with one another.

The fact that marrieds can have sex with their spouse and call themselves "sober" is no advantage at all. It can even work against recovery. Some marrieds confess that even though they aren't "acting out" any more, victory over lust still eludes them. As a matter of fact, it often seems harder for marrieds to get victory over lust and dependency unless they go through the experience of total sexual abstinence. And more often than we might suppose, marrieds can be heard complaining that singles have it easier! Let's face it: sexaholics(recovering or not, single or married( can expect to have problems with sex! Not to mention the host of other problems entailed in trying to live with and relate to others.

What we strive toward is not only the negative sobriety of not acting out our sexaholism, but progressive victory over the obsession in the looking and thinking. We also strive toward the positive sobriety of acting out true union of persons. The great blessing (or curse, as the case may be) of our condition is that unless and until we can give unconditionally and relate with others, the vacuum left inside us from withdrawal will never be filled. All along, we had thought we could make the Connection by taking; we see now that we get it by giving. Our whole concept of sex begins to change. Sex finds a simple and natural place it could never have before and becomes merely one of the things that flows from true union in committed marriage. And even here, we've discovered that sex is optional.

Unity in fellowship and good spiritual quality in meetings are supported by this definition. Without defining sexual sobriety, we would make it possible for those who are still practicing lust in some fashion to lead meetings and hold policy-making positions affecting not only the group but SA as a whole. This could also compromise the spiritual atmosphere so that the power of God's presence would not be active in the meetings and fellowship. While groups may stay together without a commitment to sobriety - just as individuals may temporarily feel better without it(we have found that there is no true spiritual unity in groups without a shared commitment to sobriety and progress in recovery. "Personal recovery depends on SA unity" (Tradition One). Sobriety and victory over lust are the bases for our unity and common welfare, which must come first. Our sobriety is the sine qua non, the necessary basis of our recovery and fellowship. Without experiencing it, we have nothing.

For us, sobriety works.
We "Live and Let Live," but we do not call one another sober unless we are practicing sobriety.

(White Book, pgs. 191-193)

SA on Yahoo

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 17:41:26 -0700

Folks looking for more online resources, visit http://groups.yahoo.com/search?query=sexaholics

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/SAonline

Members: 3443

Category: Sex

Founded: Jan 26, 2002

Traditions

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 21:02:46 -0700

Ever wonder if we are following our 12 Traditions?

Here are a few ideas to consider:
4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or Sexaholics Anonymous as a whole.
6. An SA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the SA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.
7. Every SA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
10. Sexaholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the SA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

SA Purpose: "does not wish to engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any causes."

As many people know, the SA Phone Meetings tries very hard to follow the upside down pyramid of service structure (click here). We have adopted the AA principles. Each group is supposed to have a representative that attends intergroup meetings. However, the intergroup meetings do not always meet consistently on the same day and time of every month.

In addition, there is a sobriety requirement which prohibits members with less than 3 months Sexual Sobriety to vote. Unfortunately, there is a large population of members on the phone calls counting days, constant relapse yet have strong moral principles and experience from other 12 step programs. Yet these folks are discouraged to participate. Thus, the intergroup meetings result in less than a handful of members making decisions for hundreds of sex addicts desperately seeking recovery.

I encourage folks to read more about the 4th, 6th, 7th and 10th traditions. I could be wrong, but it doesn't feel right that we announce the www.denversa.org website as the central resource for all the meetings. This is an "outside group" and technically has nothing to do with the virtual teleconference besides hosting a pdf flyer with the schedule of meetings. Yet, never do you hear people give money to support this host.

It would make more sense if we had an intergroup treasurer who reported the money collected from "passing the basket" and was more transparent detailing where the money goes and how it supports our structure. There is also another entity above the intergroup level called MARS, which stands for Mid-Atlantic region.

What if the www.denversa.org website went down? Or even worse, what if it were compromised? For example, if it were hacked and someone could trace the ip address of everyone who visited this site. Would you like to see this information leaked to the NY Times and be judged by the world why you were going to that site? If you think this is impossible, it's been done in the past and exposed many US politicians and famous people. In other words, if you believe in service and understand the principles, considering all that goes into the virtual world can be pretty scary.

Fortunately, the www.saphonemeeting.org is alive and well averaging over 25,000 hits per month. Please don't hesitate to submit your comments by clicking on the link below.

Dissension

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 01:28:16 -0700

"In participation, we avoid topics that can lead to dissension or distraction". SUGGESTED MEETING FORMAT pg. 198

Dissension - strong disagreement; a contention or quarrel; discord. difference in sentiment or opinion. Contention - a struggling together in opposition; strife. a striving in rivalry; competition; contest. debate; dispute; controversy. Disagreement - the act, state, or fact of disagreeing. lack of agreement; diversity; unlikeness: a disagreement of colors. argument.

If you are like me, this is challenge. See, I am a perfectionist and try very hard to be honest. Having been a bold faced liar for years, I understand what deceit is all about. However, today I know a few things about SA and struggle with sharing my experience, strength and hope. I know I just need to let this go. My sobriety and serenity depend on it. The age ole question, "how important is it" strictly applies.

At the beginning of just about every SA Phone Meeting we say the Serenity Prayer. Thus, this sets the tone for not being able to control whether others respect the mute feature or not. In addition, it helps me remember that other people may be just as sick as I am.

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. AA Big Book pg. 84

"The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober. Our primary purpose is to stay sexually sober and help others to achieve sexual sobriety."

Group Conscience Meetings
Group officers or individual members can call for group conscience (business) meetings to decide on all matters pertaining to the group: election of officers, terms of office, length of sobriety required for holding office and voting, finances, and other matters affecting the group and its relation to other groups and SA as a whole.
The group conscience determines the length of sexual sobriety required before a member can vote in the meeting. (Read the articles "Group Conscience Meetings and the Twelve Traditions" and "What's a Group Conscience?" in Discovering the Principles.)

Moving forward

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 02:30:05 -0700

Why do I keep changing my sobriety date? Well, I guess God has a plan for me. When I first heard someone say, "they needed every drink they took in AA", I thought to myself that doesn't make sense. Now I totally understand and firmly agree. I came into AA in 1992 and had my last drink in 1996. Obviously I had a few drinks before AA, but they also say, "a head full of AA and a belly full of rum don't mix". AA ruined my drinking. I was very puzzled why I could not stop. I relapsed over and over in those 4 years, celebrating a year twice.

Today, I have a much different and perhaps more powerful addiction called sex addiction. I lost my virginity around my 18th birthday, but had fantasies for years prior. Now, 44 years old, going on 10 years of marriage and two kids later, I am so discusted with my "dual life". It's like a wearing a mask. This hidden lifestyle that contradicts everything that I stand for. God, please help me refuse all hits as toxic, ODAAT. Thank you for helping me stay clean, sober and free of lust as best as possible, all of these days in a row. God, please help me not take a drink, drug or masturbate, just for today. God, please help me not look at pornography, stare at women, flirt with women, use the language of lust, watch TV or movies and fantasize about sex or images in my head. Amen

I love learning new acronyms. One of my favorites is ODAAT > One Day at a Time. However, with SA it is really one hour at a time, or one minute. OHAAT, OMAAT.

Click Here

and check out the lyrics below (read more). One Day | song by Jewish reggae singer Matisyahu

Sometimes I lay under the moon
And I thank God I'm breathin'
Then I pray don't take me soon
'Cause I am here for a reason

Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know someday it'll all turn around because

All my life I been waitin' for
I been prayin' for, for the people to say
That we don't want to fight no more
They'll be no more wars
And our children will play, one day

It's not about win or lose 'cause we all lose
When they feed on the souls of the innocent blood
Drenched pavement keep on movin'
Though the waters stay ragin'
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/matisyahu-lyrics/one-day-lyrics.html ]

And in this life you may lose your way
It might drive you crazy
But don't let it phase you, no way

Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know someday it'll all turn around because

All my life I been waitin' for
I been prayin' for, for the people to say
That we don't want to fight no more
They'll be no more wars
And our children will play, one day

One day this all will change
Treat people the same
Stop with the violence down with the hate
One day we'll all be free and proud
To be under the same sun
Singing songs of freedom like

Group Conscience

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 01:31:20 -0700

Our next business meeting is scheduled for Wednesday, February 29 >>> Leap Year (last Wednesday of every month). Some of the topics that have been suggested for the agenda so far are:

We need a volunteer to facilitate the “group conscience”? Should this be a separate meeting, after the formal part has ended (approximately 1:00 PM EST for about 15-30 minutes)? We should not feel rushed to make important decisions.

Daily chair people (including alternates). Sobriety requirement (suggested 30 days)?

Intergroup trusted servant report?

From time to time, we send out our “accountability and support list” for members of the 12 Noon Sexaholics Anonymous Phone Meeting (attached list of 26+ current members). Since it has been awhile since the last update, email addresses and phone numbers have been omitted. Be responsible.

Changing the format of the meeting, emailing DRAFT to members and voting on next month. Click links >>> Current “approved” Script, Cross talk , Mute feature. In addition, we may get some good ideas from >>> Al-Anon Phone Meeting

Additional reading >>> Principles of SA

It's a "Twenty Four Hours a Day" Program

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 06:10:47 -0700

Here are a few thoughts about today's reading:

Thank God 12 Step recovery has such a KISS philosophy. Sometimes even that's too long. So take it 60 minutes at a time OHAAT. Ironically, the reading suggests we "learn to take a long view" yet for this sexaholic, I almost always project the worst, worry about tomorrow and feel guilty about yesterday.

"Glamour of the night before" - what a powerful way to think of things. It is so easy to get off kilter when you join the human race. Just about everywhere I go, and everyone I talk to requires me to behave and act like a mature, responsible adult. So, when I see something that looks really attractive (i.e. a popular drinking bar party, a young lady in a bathing suit, -et cetera) my instinct is to escape reality. Unfortunately, there is a heavy price to pay.

My SA sponsor always used to tell me that there were "consequences". For me, the destruction of Sex Addiction has taken an enormous toll on my career. For example, I can't begin to describe all the job situations where I got myself into trouble because I was unable to concentrate, be grateful and keep my mouth shut. The other area is my family. Unfortunately, my relationship with my parents is nothing what I would like it to be. In addition, my wife and kids have been traumatized by this disease. In other words, generally everyone I come in contact with is affected. What's worse is that my loved ones are affected the most.

The meditation is pretty deep. I don't always feel like much of a role model, practicing God's will. However, when I am really centered and feeling good about myself, I try to smile and be courteous to folks. It's amazing to see the reaction when you are nice to people.

The greatest achievement I'll ever achieve in 12-step recovery is "human". In other words, I'll never be perfect but at least I can try.

Terrified of abandonment

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 04:07:26 -0700

"We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors." ACA Laundry List

Total abstinence

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 00:43:31 -0700

I remember coming to my first "S" fellowship meeting back around 1995. It was Sex Love Addicts Anonymous. About a few months later, I found out about SA. Since I had previous 12-step experience, folks compared AA to SLAA and they said Sexaholics Anonymous was similar to Narcotics Anonymous. In other words, AA was tough but NA was a lot more strict.

SA - Sexaholics Anonymous

SAA - Sex Addicts Anonymous

SCA - Sexual Compulsives Anonymous

SIA - Survivors of Incest Anonymous

SLAA - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

I don't really consider those first 6 years of going to meetings both in SLAA and SA to count because I really wasn't the least bit willing to surender my desire for lust and masturbation. However, in 2001 when my girlfriend Rene moved in I realized that I needed to get sober. She and I met in 1992 about a month after I got sober in Alcoholics Anonymous and going to meetings. We dated for 10 years until we got married on 10/6/2002. We are coming up on our 10 year wedding anniversary and I still have no idea how to stop masturbating for any long period of time.

Leap Year

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 07:17:22 -0700

Do you know anyone who was born on "Leap Year". If it were me, I would be a little dissappointed that I could only celebrate my birthday every 4 years

Pornography Addiction

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 09:09:00 -0700

"Pornography addiction has its roots in the viewing and hoarding of magazine and video pornography. However, these days porn addicts have new and frighteningly powerful enablers: the Internet, Smartphones, and social media. Porn addicts today can feed their Internet porn problem by viewing online still photos, downloading porn videos, or by having webcam sex (paid and unpaid). Some use the Internet to simply view images while others eventually end up using the Internet as a vehicle to meet with anonymous sexual partners. The ‘new media’ of smartphones offers some addicts instant phone-based porn downloads along with wherever/whenever live video streaming of sexual activities, while Facebook can leave some cruising images and profiles for hours on end.

What is porn addiction? Similar to someone with a chemical or substance addiction, porn addicts tend to replace important relationships and commitments with their “drug” of choice: pornography. Non-Internet porn addicts can be found in places like strip clubs and adult bookstores, but it is unlikely that they have a strip club addiction or an adult bookstore addiction, but rather that they have consistent and compulsive sexual problems that manifest in different ways" (Read more). Additional resources

For over 15 years, I have been journaling in a spiral notebook. I use this tool as an opportunity to reflect on my life and get closer to God. Now, I enjoy alternating my journal entries online for others to enjoy. Nobody reads my notebooks, not even me. Rather, it's like going to a meeting and sharing random thoughts. Most people can't remember what I said last month or even care. However, I know that I must apply the tools of the program every day. So, I benefit tremendously. More importantly, I hope others can identify with my feelings and ideas and not feel so isolated, which is what our addiction wants.

The above reading helps me define precisely what my major form of compuslive behavior is. I didn't start going to strip clubs until I was about 35 years old, just after I got engaged. Up until then, I generally thought those places were for losers, because I could always find women to have sex with in public places. However, for the past 2 years or so, my disease has gone more "underground". I am afraid of infidelity (marital disloyalty; unfaithfulness. a breach of trust or a disloyal act; transgression. adultery - voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man or woman and a partner other than the legal spouse). Thus, if I don't leave the house I'm essentially avoiding the temptation.

SA has introduced a lot of terms that I never understood. For example, I was guilty of fornication (voluntary sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons or two persons not married to each other) from the age of 18 till 35. I am turning 45 this year, and thank God I never cheated on my wife. However, I am ashamed that I lust after other women in my mind. I get a tremendous high looking at images on the Internet which always leads to masturbation.

I was celibate for the first 18 years (abstention from sexual relations. the state of being unmarried), abstinent from sex with my wife for about 6 months in a row, and totally abstinent from all sex for about 2 months since I was legal age. More importantly, I went 100 days in a row back in 2010 of sexual sobriety according to the SA White Book definition.

As I was looking up some of these terms, I also found it interesting to note that I have never committed buggery (unnatural intercourse with a man. sodomy refers to anal sex or other non-penile/vaginal copulation-like acts, especially between male persons or between a person and an animal). There are many forms of sexual acting out that the SA literature describes and the bottom line is --- "I AM A SEXAHOLIC". One of my biggest problems is beating myself up. I am very ambitious and I can be very hard on myself. Just for today, I plan to be honest, unselfish, humble, empathetic, loving and pure. This next reading below (reference unknown) gave me hope that I feel very grateful that I am still married.

"If masturbation becomes obsessive it will lead to a loss of control in the life just like gluttony or any other form of appetite gone astray. The young person should be taught to confess the sin of appetite which is out of control rather than to tell them that they are sexually perverted or nasty. The sin is that of not letting the Holy Spirit lead in appetites.

Another way in which masturbation is, without a doubt, sinful is when it is accompanied by the use of pornography, filthy music, or even mental fantasies of women other than the spouse. This is so common that it is assumed to be the only method of masturbating. Of course, many young people do NOT start out in their first masturbating venture with ANY fantasy. They have no history to work with mentally. They are just playing with their hardpiano coverse.

The older a man gets, the more he accumulates a mental history which feeds fantasy, and thus, the more tempted he will be to sin by mental lust as he masturbates. This is why Paul piano coversns Timothy to "flee youthful lusts." We said that masturbation is NOT called sin in the Bible, but sexual lust for a women IS called sin by Jesus. To add masturbation to this mental "youthful lust" will insure trouble by and by. So, it IS true that masturbation is easily perverted by fetishes of the mind or magazine. I knew a man who fantasized in lust for a woman in the church fellowship while he masturbated, and whenever he came to church and saw the woman, he blushed with shame. So, this IS a danger for sure.

DOES MASTURBATION SERVE ANY GOOD PURPOSE?

When a husband and wife are separated against their will and one is having severe temptations with lust, masturbation can serve as a release for those drives. This has saved many men from infidelity. In that sense, and I suppose I shall be thrashed for this, I suggest that masturbation is a very useful solution. Masturbation is also a release to young unmarried men. We just don't like to admit it. Many a young man has defused a setting for fornication by masturbating ahead of time. Cold showers are fine, but they don't last. Of course, a young man can further help this struggle greatly by making sure he is only found in modest company."

SAPhoneMeeting Stats WEEKLY

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 21:46:00 -0700

Safety in Numbers

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 06:30:00 -0700

I have to remember that "we can do together what I can't do alone". It's hard when you get a little bit of knowledge because it can delude me --- His conceit deluded him into believing he was important.

“Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory” (Proverbs 11:14, NASB)

Acceptance and faith are capable of producing 100 per cent sobriety.
In fact, they usually do; and they must, else we could have no life
at all. But the moment we carry these attitudesinto our emotional
problems, we find that only relative results are possible. Nobody
can, for example, become completely free from fear, anger, and pride.
Hence, in this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and
love. So we shall have to settle, respecting most of our problems,
for a very gradual progress, punctuated sometimes by heavy setbacks.
Our oldtime attitude of "all or nothing" will have to be abandoned.
1. GRAPEVINE, MARCH 1962

Stop feeding the obsession

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 08:30:00 -0700

"This meant eliminating from what was under my control all printed and visual materials and other symbols of my tyranny. I had to stop feeding my lust by looking around, in my use of television, movies, and music; and by using and listening to the language of lust. I also had to stop living only and always inside my own head. That's one of the great fringe benefits of going to a lot of meetings. Most of us sexaholics really live on the inside of our heads; we're seldom in the real world." (WB pg. 158).

I don't stand a chance unless I do. "Remember that we deal with lust — cunning, baffling, and powerful!" (WB pg. 206). Everywhere I go, everything I do. This includes everything I think, feel, say, and especially perceive.

Thank God there is a program for someone as sick as me. God can move mountains but I need to bring a shovel. Like the ole Nike slogan, "Just Do It".

Drying out

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 04:48:06 -0700

I am extremely compulsive. The SA Problem describes my disease very accurately. I'm returning to the SA Phone Meetings after taking a 2-month sabbatical. Meanwhile, the good news is that thanks to the program, promiscuity does NOT exist in my life today. I'm married and have NOT committed adultery (thank God) since 2002.

"We saw that our problem was threefold: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Healing had to come about in all three. The crucial change in attitude began when we admitted we were powerless, that our habit had us whipped. We came to meetings and withdrew from our habit. For some, this meant no sex with themselves or others, including not getting into relationships. For others it also meant "drying out" and not having sex with the spouse for a time to recover from lust." (THE SOLUTION WB pgs. 204-5)

If you are feeling down and discouraged, consider these lyrics below from Fleetwood Mac. Click here

"If you wake up and don't want to smile,
If it takes just a little while,
Open your eyes and look at the day,
You'll see things in a different way.

Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone."

What Is Lust?

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 16:10:05 -0700

For years I have been struggling with this disease called “Sexaholism”. Thank God, I found the 12 step rooms of sexual addiction. It has by no means been easy. However, I have the rooms to thank for helping me stay married and never committing adultery.

It first begun in 1995 when I discussed my obsessions, powerlessness and unmanageability with a psychologist in 1995. Shortly thereafter, the journey began attending SA meetings, as well as SLAA and SCA.

I’m a big believer in the 24 hour program, One Day at a Time, One Hour at a Time (ODAAT, OHAAT). AA has worked for me so I believe SA can work also. Yet, it has been much, much more difficult staying abstinent according to the WB definition.

My experience with the following passage from the White Book, pg. 45 follows.

Lust Is . . .
Not being able to say no
Constantly being in dangerous sexual situations
Turning my head as if sex-starved all the time
Attraction only to beautiful people
Erotic fantasies
Use of erotic media
Being addicted to the partner as I would be to a drug
Losing my identity in the partner
Obsession with the romantic—going for the "chemistry"
The desire to make the other person lust

Another Personal Perspective
Lust Kills
Lust is the most important thing in my life; it takes priority over me.
Captive to lust, I cannot be myself.
Lust makes me its slave; it kills my freedom; it kills me.
Lust always wants more; lust creates more lust.
Lust is jealous; it wants to possess me.
Lust makes me self-obsessed; it drives me into myself.
Lust makes sex impossible without lust.
Lust destroys the ability to love; it kills love.
Lust destroys the ability to receive love; it kills me.
Lust creates guilt—unavoidably; and guilt has to be expiated.
Lust makes part of me want to die because I can't bear what
I'm doing to myself and my powerlessness over it.
Increasingly, I direct this guilt and self-hatred inward and outward.
Lust is destructive to me and those around me.
Lust kills the spirit; my spirit is me. Lust kills me!

Feeling apathetic can lead to being pathetic

nospam@example.com (SA Member) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 09:02:01 -0700

Lately I've been comatose!

I started thinking about why? Essentially, I have been lacking alertness or energy. Problems around consistent sleep lead me to believe there are "bipolar" symptoms. Either I wake up in the middle of night or I want to sleep all day, masturbate, watch TV/movies and eat junk food. Most people would diagnose this as depression.

So, I researched a little more and found some interesting words to describe the situation better. Namely, torpid---not active or sluggish; slow; dull; apathetic; dormant, as a hibernating animal; lethargic---drowsy; sluggish; apathetic---having or showing little or no emotion; not interested or concerned; indifferent or unresponsive.

Ironically, I can easily shift to the other extreme after a shower, few cups of coffee and an AA/SA meeting. The antonym is emotional, which tends to flare up and I get angry, loud, obnoxious and controversial.

I think our literature describes this dual personality as "Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde" syndrome. However, left untreated for too long, ultimately leads to a "pathetic" state of affairs---causing or evoking pity, sympathetic sadness, sorrow; pitiful; miserably or contemptibly inadequate.

So, here I am, at a crossroads once again. The bottom line is, I took a 2 week hiatus---a break or interruption in the continuity of a work, series, action, etc. Life may not get better, but hopefully I'm figuring out how to get better.