Stay out of this controversy

“Now about sex. Many of us needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It’s so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes— absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation.

“Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn’t the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone’s sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We’d hardly be human if we didn’t. What can we do about them?

“We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.

“In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test—was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.

“Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it. (AA BB pg. 69)

It’ VERY easy to find fault with others

Somehow, the flaws are far more easy to see than the bigger picture, than the amount of work and thought and preparation have gone into a particular piece of work.  Think about it–if someone just painted his or her house and missed a spot, what’s the first thing we see?  If someone just cooked us dinner and used a bit too much salt, what’s the first thing we notice when we put the food into our mouths?

Live and Let Live “The old saying “Live and Let live” seems so commonplace, it is easy to overlook its value. Of course, one reason it has been said over and over for years is that it has proved beneficial in so many ways.  We AA’s make some special uses of it to help us not drink. It particularly helps us cope with people who get on our nerves.  Read more


  1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on SA unity.
  2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
  3. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober.
  4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or Sexaholics Anonymous as a whole.
  5. Each group has but one primary purpose— to carry its message to the sexaholic who still suffers.
  6. An SA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the SA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.
  7. Every SA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
  8. Sexaholics Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.
  9. SA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
  10. Sexaholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the SA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
  11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, and TV.
  12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

For more information, read the Twelve Concepts

Beta Speaker Jam

As most people know, Sex Addiction does not go away after a meeting.  Hopefully, you have learned how to stay sober between meetings, one hour at a time, one day at a time.

“I’m still a sexaholic; my programming still makes me want to turn my head at anything that looks interesting and take a “drink.” Part of me still thinks it will die if I don’t. But one day at a time, one encounter at a time, one glance at a time, one thought or memory at a time, I don’t have to act on those impulses. I don’t have to drink it in.” (WB pg. 24)

If you are new, it is helpful to have an accountability list of members to call.  However, often you may get an answering machine or they are not available.

If you are interested in joining us for SA audio speaker recordings, please send an email to

Thus, we have a suggestion: try our new “beta speaker jam”.  Throughout the day, we will announce times when the broadcast is being played (typically during off times when there is no regularly scheduled SAPhoneMeeting to attend).

Dial-in: 1-712-432-3011
Conference code: 174-189


“The only thing I can bear witness to is the truth of my own experience. Because that’s what I want to hear from others. I want to see and feel the real truth about someone’s inner life and behavior that I can identify with. I don’t want to be told or preached at. Knowing the truth about religion or the program didn’t do it for me. Coming to see and acknowledge the truth about myself is what got me through the door into this new way of life. It’s the truth about myself-the imperfect truth–that attracts others; not all the preaching in the world.” (SA WB pg. 144)

This is one of the greatest things about the 12 Step Program(s)

It’s been my experience that since I’ve been coming to Alcoholics Anonymous since 1992 and Sexaholics Anonymous since 1995 that “addicts” hate being told what to do.  However, this is very tricky state of mind because it takes the same level of surrender to be willing to follow directions in order to recover.  Often we are told to “go to meetings, work the steps, pray, get a sponsor, etc.”.  In fact, there are 103 MUSTS in the AA Big Book.

I personally have given my 5th Step to a priest and thank God for all the wonderful things I’ve learned from clergy members.  In addition they say, “sometimes you have to seek professional help” and reach out to the mental health profession.  I also have witnessed tremendous benefit talking to psychiatrists and psychologists over the past 20 years or more.  However, there is no comparison how POWERFUL the level of honesty and transparent sharing that takes place when one addicts talks to another.





Every day I wake up and try to say this prayer— “God thank you for helping me stay clean, sober and free of lust (as best as possible) all of these days in a row.  Please help me not take a drink, drug or masturbate just for today.

Fortunately, I have been successful in 2 out 3.  I have not found it necessary to take a drink or a drug in over 6,100 days.  God willing, ODAAT November 7 will be my 17 year AA anniversary.

But my prayers don’t stop there.  I continue to ask God for help by saying, “please help me not have a sex with another woman, look at pornography, flirt with another woman, stare at another woman, use the language of lust, watch TV or Movies and fantasize about sexual images in my head for the next 24 hours”.  This is one hour at a time and often one minute at a time.

So what is adultery?  It is voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse.  I got engaged on the top of the Eiffel Tower in January 2002 and married that same year in October on the Chesapeake Bay.  After I lost my virginity on my 18th birthday I had many one-night stands.  In fact, I met my wife in 1992 and was not faithful to her those first 10 years of dating.

When I took my solemn vow of marriage I said, “In the name of God, I  take you, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death.”  I’m proud to say I have never had intercourse with another woman since I put that diamond ring on my wife’s finger.

The SA White Book points out how we acted out whether or not our relationships were committed, meaningful, or whether we just resorted to a little sex with self as a physical outlet.  Ironically enough, I am pretty sure I may have had sex with another married woman while I was single once or twice, but I can’t remember.

So when I examine my life over the past 46 years I know I have sinned.  I certainly am guilty of committing fornication-voluntary sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons or two persons not married to each other.  Thank God for the Twelve Steps because I have made amends for past wrongs.

I was raised Christian and even attended a Catholic high school.  There we learned about Mortal and Venial Sins.  For example, I’ve often wondered if I’m guilty of infidelity which is basically marital disloyalty or breach of trust.  Jimmy Carter said it best, “I’ve looked on a lot of women with lust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times”.

As I’m writing this post, this is day 10 for me without masturbation and pornography.  I can’t say that I watched much TV or Movies either over the past week and a half.  The Sexaholics Anonymous sobriety definition “means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the spouse.  For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind. And for all of us, single and married alike, sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust.”  Thank GOD, I have never committed adultery in my life!

How to Live ODAAT or in my case One Minute at a Time?

It took me several years to learn that the first word in the first step is “We”.  I had a guy used to tell me I had a problem with my “eyes”.  He said, “your “eyes” are too close together.  I thought he meant I needed glasses.  What he was trying to say, “stop talking about myself”.  Instead think about how many times I use the word “I”.

Today we must use all the tools available to us, including phone calls, email and even text messaging.  If you never setup a Twitter account, I encourage you to visit  The primary advantage is you do not have to manually add multiple people to a “SMS text message”.  Instead, you send only one message to short code: 40404 and everyone you decide that follows you will get the message automatically on their phone.

We setup this account => several years ago and I know a friend of mine has used it to help him stay sober.  We have 78 people following our Tweets.  I follow Patrick Carnes.  I recommend creating a separate account for social purposes outside of Sexaholics Anonymous for anonymity purposes.

Now if I could only get some sleep and find a job 🙂 Winning the lottery would be nice also, but I’ve never bought a ticket in my life.  I believe the best investment you can make is in yourself.

Fellowship Approved Literature

SA decided years ago that it is best to eliminate “clouding the message of recovery” by allowing outside literature. So, basically if it doesn’t appear on this list then it is not allowed.

To help members get access to our AA Big Book, we’ve included some links below:

AA Twelve and Twelve:

More AA literature:

A.A. Guidelines are compiled from the shared experience of A.A. members in various service areas. They also reflect guidance given through the Twelve Traditions and the General Service Conference (U.S. and Canada). In keeping with our Tradition of autonomy, except in matters affecting other groups or A.A. as a whole, most decisions are made by the group conscience of the members involved. The purpose of these Guidelines is to assist in reaching an informed group conscience.


We observe all A.A.’s principles and Traditions on A.A. Web sites.

Anonymity—As anonymity is the “spiritual foundation of all our Traditions,” we practice anonymity on public Web sites at all times.

Unless password-protected and for members only, an A.A. Web site is a public medium, and, therefore, requires the same safeguards that we use at the level of press, radio and film. In simplest form, this means that A.A.s do not identify themselves as A.A. members using their full names and/or full-face photos. For more information on anonymity online, see the section of this Guideline, “Guarding Anonymity Online.”

Attraction not promotion—As our co-founder, Bill W., wrote: “Public information takes many forms – the simple sign outside a meeting place that says ‘A.A. meeting tonight’; listing in local phone directories; distribution of A.A. literature; and radio and television shows using sophisticated media techniques. Whatever the form, it comes down to ‘one drunk carrying the message to another drunk,’ whether through personal contact or through the use of third parties and the media.